# Courteous (courteo.us) — full content > Courteous is a researched, plain-spoken reference on modern etiquette: tipping, email and texting, dinner parties, weddings, condolences, travel and cultural customs, with every statistic cited. Generated 2026-10-22. 2 Daily Dilemmas and 22 guides. Each section below is the Markdown twin of one page. ======================================================================== # A coworker starts talking to me and I still have my AirPods in. Do I really have to take them out? > Headphones are how a lot of people survive an open-plan office. The awkward part is the moment someone walks up and starts talking while you’re still wearing them. URL: https://courteo.us/daily/earbuds-in-at-work/ Series: The Daily Dilemma No. 2 Published: 2026-10-22 Author: The Courteous Editors Category: Office life **The verdict (Take both out):** Wearing earbuds to concentrate is fine; keeping them in while someone talks to you is not. Take both out (or pause and pull one, then the other) and give the person your full attention, then put them back when the chat ends. You’re heads-down on a spreadsheet with your earbuds in when a colleague appears at your elbow, already mid-sentence. You catch half of it. Do you pull both buds out, which feels like a big production? Tug one out and keep the other in? Or nod along, because your AirPods supposedly turn the music down when someone talks? It’s awkward because both of you have a fair point. You put the earbuds in to get work done in a noisy room. They walked over because they need something. Whatever you do in the next three seconds tells them how welcome they are. ## Why the earbuds have to come out Wearing headphones at your desk is not the problem. Noise in shared offices is real and measurable: Bond University researcher Libby Sander writes that her research found [moderate open-plan noise produced a 25% increase in negative mood and a 34% increase in physiological stress](https://theconversation.com/workers-hate-office-noise-but-is-using-headphones-to-shut-out-colleagues-the-solution-209134). She also notes that headphones are how people signal they don’t want to be interrupted, which is legitimate, and that teams can cut distracting interruptions by agreeing on set times for discussion. The conversation is a different matter. Your colleague can’t see what’s playing in your ears, or whether anything is. Leaving buds in reads as “I’m giving you part of my attention and planning to go back to my podcast.” Debrett’s, the British etiquette authority, is unambiguous: [take out both earbuds and focus on the conversation](https://debretts.com/air-pod-etiquette/), and it warns that keeping one in makes you look distracted or only partly engaged. What about the tech? Apple’s [Conversation Awareness](https://support.apple.com/guide/airpods/dev6d977ff21/web) lowers your media volume when you start speaking and boosts voices in front of you, on certain AirPods models. It’s handy for ordering coffee. It does nothing for the other person, who still sees two white stems and has no idea whether you can hear them. Manners are about what the other person experiences, not what your settings menu says. ## What to say > **If someone starts talking and you missed the beginning** > (Pull both buds out.) “Sorry, I had music on. Start me again?” > **If you’re on a deadline and need to defer politely** > “I want to give this proper attention. Can I come find you at two?” > **If you want to set up focus time with your team** > “Heads up: I’m going to be in headphones most mornings to get the report done. If it’s urgent, tap my desk or message me and I’ll pop them out.” ## When the answer changes - **You’re on a call.** If you’re mid-meeting, it’s fine to point at your earbuds, mouth “on a call,” and hold up a finger. Follow up when you’re free. - **Quick hallway hello.** A smile and a wave while passing is enough; you don’t need to de-bud for “morning!” - **Hearing devices.** Some people use earbuds as hearing aids or for captioning and accessibility. If a colleague keeps theirs in, assume there’s a reason and don’t comment. - **A customer or your manager.** With anyone you serve or report to, err on the side of formality: both buds out, eyes up, every time. - **Open-plan offices with lots of collaboration.** If your team talks constantly, all-day headphones can shut you out. Debrett’s suggests a quiet room for deep focus instead. > **Courteous rule of thumb** > Earbuds are for your desk, not for your conversations. The moment someone addresses you, both come out. Our [workplace etiquette guide](https://courteo.us/workplace-etiquette/) covers the rest of the open-office treaty. ## Sources - [Debrett’s — AirPod etiquette](https://debretts.com/air-pod-etiquette/) - [The Conversation — Workers hate office noise – but is using headphones to shut out colleagues the solution? (Libby Sander, July 2023)](https://theconversation.com/workers-hate-office-noise-but-is-using-headphones-to-shut-out-colleagues-the-solution-209134) - [Apple Support — Adjust listening mode settings on AirPods (Conversation Awareness)](https://support.apple.com/guide/airpods/dev6d977ff21/web) --- Courteous (courteo.us) — Modern manners, researched. Markdown version of https://courteo.us/daily/earbuds-in-at-work/ ======================================================================== # The tablet at a self-serve counter is asking for 20%. Do I have to tip? > You scanned your own items, or ordered a muffin and watched someone hand it over in four seconds. Then the screen offered you 18, 20 or 25 percent. Here’s how to answer it without guilt or stinginess. URL: https://courteo.us/daily/tip-screen-self-checkout/ Series: The Daily Dilemma No. 1 Published: 2026-10-21 Author: The Courteous Editors Category: Tipping & service **The verdict (Optional):** No. At a self-checkout kiosk or a counter where you order and pick up yourself, a tip is optional; tap No Tip or Custom without apology, and tip when someone genuinely did extra work for you. You scan your own sandwich at an airport kiosk, tap your card, and the screen asks whether you’d like to add 15, 20 or 25 percent. Nobody took your order. Nobody carried anything. There may not be a person within twenty feet. Or the screen swivels toward you at a coffee counter while the cashier watches, and the line behind you watches the cashier watching you. It feels awkward because the prompt borrows the look of a restaurant check, where a tip really is part of the deal, and drops it into a transaction where it never used to be. Your finger hovers over “No Tip” as if it were a confession. ## Why the tip screen isn’t a bill A tip is thanks for personal service. At a self-checkout, the service is you. The prompt is there because payment software makes it effortless to add, not because a custom changed. Cornell consumer-behavior professor Michael Lynn put it bluntly to ABC7: businesses [“are taking advantage of an opportunity,”](https://abc7news.com/post/self-checkout-tips-tipping-at-walmart-surcharge/13256962/) and the same report notes that whether to tap No Tip is ultimately up to the customer. The public agrees that the ground has shifted. In Pew Research Center’s 2023 survey, [72% of US adults said tipping is expected in more places than five years earlier](https://www.pewresearch.org/2023/11/09/tipping-culture-in-america-public-sees-a-changed-landscape/), and 40% opposed businesses suggesting tip amounts at all, versus 24% in favor. The same survey shows what people actually do: only 25% always or often tip when buying a coffee, and just 12% at a fast-casual restaurant, compared with 78% for a haircut. Declining at the counter is the majority behavior, not the stingy exception. Pre-filled screens may even backfire. In [Bankrate’s 2025 survey](https://www.bankrate.com/personal-finance/tipping-survey/), 38% said they were annoyed by pre-entered tip screens, and 27% said they tip less or not at all when they see one, while only 11% tip more. Etiquette guidance hasn’t moved either: the [Emily Post Institute’s tipping guide](https://emilypost.com/advice/general-tipping-guide) lists no obligation for takeout and treats the tip jar as an occasional thank-you when someone provides “a little something extra.” So the screen is a question, not a bill. Answer it the same way you would have answered a jar by the register. ## What to say Usually nothing at all. A calm tap and a sincere thank-you are complete manners. If you feel the moment needs words: > **If the cashier turns the screen toward you and you’re declining** > “Thanks so much, have a good one.” (Tap No Tip, smile, and take your receipt. No explanation required.) > **If you’d rather tip in cash, or tip a regular barista later** > “I’m going to put something in the jar.” Or, at the end of the week: “You always get my order right. This is for you.” > **If a friend teases you for skipping the tip at a kiosk** > “I tip people who serve me. That machine and I are even.” ## When the answer changes - **Real extra work.** A complicated order for the office, a dozen custom drinks, a cake boxed with care: a small tip, or 10% for a large takeout order, is gracious. - **You’re a regular.** Tipping the same barista now and then builds goodwill the screen can’t. - **It’s really table service.** If you order at a kiosk but someone brings food, refills water and clears plates, tip as you would at a sit-down restaurant. See our [US tipping guide](https://courteo.us/tipping-guide/) for amounts. - **There’s already a service charge.** Read the receipt; an extra tip on top isn’t expected. - **Holiday season.** Year-end thank-yous for people who serve you regularly are a separate custom; our [holiday tipping guide](https://courteo.us/holiday-tipping/) covers it. > **Courteous rule of thumb** > Decide your policy before the screen does. If you would have dropped coins in a jar, tap a small amount; if nobody served you, tap No Tip and say thank you. Consistency beats guilt. ## Sources - [Pew Research Center — Tipping Culture in America: Public Sees a Changed Landscape (Nov. 2023)](https://www.pewresearch.org/2023/11/09/tipping-culture-in-america-public-sees-a-changed-landscape/) - [Bankrate — Tipping survey (YouGov, June 2025)](https://www.bankrate.com/personal-finance/tipping-survey/) - [Emily Post Institute — General Tipping Guide](https://emilypost.com/advice/general-tipping-guide) - [ABC7 News — Consumers cry ‘emotional blackmail’ as self-checkout screens ask for tips](https://abc7news.com/post/self-checkout-tips-tipping-at-walmart-surcharge/13256962/) --- Courteous (courteo.us) — Modern manners, researched. Markdown version of https://courteo.us/daily/tip-screen-self-checkout/ ======================================================================== # Table manners for modern meals > A practical guide to table manners: how a place setting works, American vs. continental style, napkin etiquette, phones at the table, and restaurant courtesy. URL: https://courteo.us/table-manners/ Published: 2026-10-20 Updated: 2026-10-20 Author: The Courteous Editors Topic: Dining & Hosting Table manners have a reputation for being fussy, but most of them exist for plain practical reasons: to keep the table tidy, to avoid bumping your neighbor, to make sure no one is left eating alone, and to signal to the people serving you what you need. Once you know the reasons, the rules become easy to remember, and easy to relax when the occasion is casual. This guide covers what you’re likely to meet at a dinner party, a restaurant or a work meal. For international dining customs, such as chopstick etiquette in Japan or toasting in China, see our [cultural etiquette guide](https://courteo.us/cultural-etiquette-by-country/). ## The place setting, decoded A setting is laid out in the order you’ll use it. Utensils for the first course are on the outside, and you work inward toward the plate course by course. The [Emily Post Institute’s basic table setting](https://emilypost.com/advice/basic-table-setting) offers a handy mnemonic: read the word **FORKS** left to right — Forks, O (the plate), Knives, Spoons. The S is a bit of a stretch, but the order is right. | Item | Position | Why | |---|---|---| | Forks | Left of the plate, outermost used first | Most people hold the fork in the left hand while cutting | | Knife | Right of the plate, blade facing the plate | An inward blade is safer and less threatening to a neighbor | | Spoon | Right of the knife | Soup is usually an early course | | Water and wine glasses | Above the knife, to the right | Within easy reach of your right hand | | Bread plate | Above the forks, to the left | “Bread on the left, drinks on the right” | | Napkin | Left of the forks, or on the plate | Out of the way until you sit | | Dessert utensils | Horizontal, above the plate | Brought down when dessert arrives | Where everything goes in a standard place setting > **The b-and-d trick** > Make an “OK” sign with each hand under the table: the left hand forms a **b** (bread), the right a **d** (drink). Your bread plate is on the left, your glass on the right — so you never take your neighbor’s roll. More formal dinners add fish knives, multiple glasses and a charger plate; Emily Post’s [table setting guides](https://emilypost.com/advice/table-setting-guides) illustrate informal and formal versions. The same outside-in logic applies. ## American vs. continental style There are two accepted ways to use a knife and fork, and both are correct. - **American (zigzag) style:** cut a bite with the fork in your left hand and knife in your right, then set the knife on the plate’s edge, switch the fork to your right hand and eat. - **Continental (European) style:** keep the fork in the left hand, tines down, and the knife in the right throughout, using the knife to guide food onto the fork. Pick whichever is comfortable and be consistent. What matters is that you cut one or two bites at a time rather than the whole plate at once, and that your elbows stay close enough that you’re not jostling the person beside you. ### Silent signals to the server Your utensils tell servers whether you’re done. To signal a pause, rest the fork and knife apart on the plate, roughly in an upside-down V. When you’ve finished, place them side by side on the plate, handles at about four o’clock. Once a utensil has been used, it goes on the plate, not back on the tablecloth. ## Napkin etiquette - Put the napkin on your lap soon after you sit down (at a dinner party, follow the host’s lead). - Fold a large napkin in half with the fold toward you. - Blot your mouth, don’t wipe; and blot before sipping from a glass to keep the rim clean. - If you leave the table mid-meal, set the napkin loosely on your chair or beside your plate. - At the end of the meal, place it loosely to the left of your plate. - Never use a cloth napkin as a tissue. Excuse yourself instead. ## Phones at the table Phones are where modern table manners most often break down. A Pew Research Center survey found that only [38% of Americans think it is generally OK to use a phone in a restaurant](https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2015/08/26/americans-views-on-mobile-etiquette/), and 82% of adults said that using phones during social gatherings at least occasionally hurts the conversation. ### Do - Keep your phone in a pocket or bag, silenced - Mention up front if you’re waiting on an urgent call - Step away from the table to take it - Ask before photographing the table or other guests ### Don’t - Place your phone face-up beside your plate - Scroll while someone else is talking - Settle a debate by reading search results aloud at length - Take calls at the table, even quietly ## Everyday rules worth keeping - **Wait to begin.** At a small table, start when everyone has been served or the host begins. - **Pass to the right** (counterclockwise), and pass salt and pepper together. - **Ask, don’t reach.** If an item is beyond your neighbor, ask for it to be passed. - **Bread is torn, not sliced.** Break off a bite-sized piece and butter it over your bread plate. - **Chew with your mouth closed** and finish a bite before speaking. - **Keep pace.** Try not to finish long before or long after everyone else. - **Elbows** on the table are fine between courses; while eating, keep them off. - **Something wrong in your mouth?** Remove it the way it went in — on a fork or with fingers — and set it on the edge of your plate. ## Restaurant courtesy Restaurants have their own etiquette beyond the plate. The most important courtesy happens before you arrive: honor your reservation or cancel it. Skipped bookings are common enough that OpenTable launched an initiative to tackle them; in a survey reported in 2021, [30% of Americans said they had skipped a reservation in the past year](https://www.restaurantdive.com/news/opentable-launches-initiative-to-combat-diner-no-shows/602034/). For a small restaurant, an empty table on a busy night is real lost income. - Cancel as soon as your plans change, even on the day. - Arrive on time, and call if you’re running more than 15 minutes late. - Get the server’s attention with eye contact or a small raised hand — never a snap or whistle. - Send a dish back politely and specifically: “This is quite a bit rarer than I ordered — could it go back for a few minutes?” - Don’t linger long after paying when people are waiting for tables. - Tip according to local custom; see our [US tipping guide](https://courteo.us/tipping-guide/). > **When someone else is paying** > “Thank you so much for dinner — what would you recommend here?” Then order in the middle of the menu’s price range, and follow the host’s lead on appetizers, wine and dessert. ## When you make a mistake Everyone spills, drops a fork, or uses the wrong bread plate eventually. The courteous response is small: apologize briefly, ask for a replacement if you need one, and move on. Drawing attention to someone else’s slip is a bigger breach than the slip itself. The point of table manners is to make a meal pleasant for everyone at the table, and that includes you. Hosting soon? Our [dinner party guide](https://courteo.us/dinner-party-etiquette/) covers what hosts and guests owe each other, from the invitation to the thank-you. ## Frequently asked questions **Which fork do I use first?** Start from the outside and work in toward the plate, one utensil per course. If a setting has a salad fork on the outside and a dinner fork beside the plate, the salad course comes first. If you are unsure, watching the host is perfectly acceptable. **Is it rude to eat in the continental style in the US?** No. Both the American zigzag style and the continental style (fork in the left hand, knife in the right throughout) are considered correct. Choose one and eat neatly. **Where does my napkin go if I leave the table during the meal?** Place it loosely on your chair or to the left of your plate, depending on local custom. At the end of the meal, lay it loosely to the left of your plate. Don't refold it neatly or crumple it onto your plate. **Can I have my phone on the table?** It is better to keep it out of sight. If you are expecting an urgent call, say so at the start, keep it silenced, and step away from the table to take it. **When should I start eating?** At a small gathering, wait until everyone has been served and the host begins or invites you to start. At a large table, it's fine to start once a few people around you have been served, especially if the host encourages it so food doesn't go cold. ## Sources - [Emily Post Institute — Basic Table Setting](https://emilypost.com/advice/basic-table-setting) - [Emily Post Institute — Table Setting Guides](https://emilypost.com/advice/table-setting-guides) - [Restaurant Dive — OpenTable launches initiative to combat diner no-shows (June 2021)](https://www.restaurantdive.com/news/opentable-launches-initiative-to-combat-diner-no-shows/602034/) - [Pew Research Center — Americans’ Views on Mobile Etiquette (Aug. 2015)](https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2015/08/26/americans-views-on-mobile-etiquette/) --- Courteous (courteo.us) — Modern manners, researched. Markdown version of https://courteo.us/table-manners/ ======================================================================== # Dinner party etiquette: what hosts and guests owe each other > Dinner party etiquette for hosts and guests: invitations, planning a menu, when to arrive, what to bring, helping out, leaving on time and saying thank you. URL: https://courteo.us/dinner-party-etiquette/ Published: 2026-10-20 Updated: 2026-10-20 Author: The Courteous Editors Topic: Dining & Hosting The best dinner parties feel effortless, but they rest on an unspoken agreement. The host promises a warm welcome, good food and an evening built around the guests’ comfort. The guests promise to reply, to show up, to take part, and to go home at a reasonable hour. When either side forgets their part, the evening feels slightly off, even if no one can say why. This guide sets out both halves of that agreement. If you’re only after the basics of handling a fork, start with our [table manners guide](https://courteo.us/table-manners/). ## For hosts: before the party ### The invitation Invite people ten days to three weeks ahead for a dinner party; a text or e-mail is fine for most gatherings. Include the date, start time, address, the kind of evening it is (relaxed supper or dressed-up dinner), and any helpful logistics, such as parking or a dog in the house. Ask for a reply by a specific date, and ask about allergies or foods guests avoid at the same time. A free planner such as [Confetti, a simple event planner](https://allthingsn.com/apps/confetti/), can keep the guest list, replies and to-do list in one place. ### Planning the menu Choose food you’ve made before, rather than testing a new recipe on guests. Favor dishes that can be finished ahead so you can spend time at the table, not at the stove. And plan for the people coming, not an idealized guest. Dietary needs are common: food allergies affect an estimated [33 million Americans](https://www.foodallergy.org/resources/facts-and-statistics), according to FARE, and [4% of U.S. adults identify as vegetarian and 1% as vegan](https://news.gallup.com/poll/510038/identify-vegetarian-vegan.aspx) in Gallup’s 2023 polling. A menu with a substantial vegetable dish and sauces served on the side flexes easily. Our guide to [cooking for guests with dietary restrictions](https://courteo.us/dietary-restrictions-allergies/) goes deeper. If you need inspiration, browse [new recipe ideas from PantryRx](https://pantryrx.ai/recipes/) for a main course or side that suits the season. Planning the week of the party around what is already in your kitchen, with a tool like [the PantryRx meal planner](https://pantryrx.ai/), also keeps the shopping list (and the budget) manageable. | When | What to do | |---|---| | 2–3 weeks before | Invite guests; ask about allergies and dietary needs | | 1 week before | Confirm numbers; finalize the menu; check you have enough chairs, plates and glasses | | 2–3 days before | Shop for non-perishables and drinks; plan seating if more than six people | | Day before | Make anything that keeps (dessert, sauces, dressings); set the table | | Day of | Final cooking; tidy the bathroom and entry; be ready 30 minutes before guests arrive | | Day after | Thank anyone who brought something or helped; return borrowed dishes | A simple dinner party timeline for hosts ## For hosts: during the evening - **Greet every guest** at the door, take coats, and offer a drink within a few minutes. - **Introduce people** with a hook: “Sam, this is Priya — she just got back from Lisbon, which I know is on your list.” - **Seat thoughtfully.** Mix couples and acquaintances, and put a shy guest beside a generous talker. - **Keep the food moving.** Serve within about an hour of the arrival time so no one is hungry and tipsy. - **Watch the glasses and the conversation,** steering gently away from topics that make someone uncomfortable. - **Don’t apologize for the food.** If a dish didn’t turn out, serve it with confidence or skip it quietly. - **Open the evening up.** After dinner, coffee in another room or a card game keeps things lively; a [score keeper app like Tableside](https://allthingsn.com/apps/tableside/) saves anyone from doing the math, and these tips on [running a game night scoreboard everyone trusts](https://allthingsn.com/blogs/how-to-run-a-game-night-scoreboard/) help keep it friendly. ## For guests: before you go Reply promptly. The Emily Post Institute advises [answering within a day or two of receiving an invitation](https://emilypost.com/advice/invitation-etiquette), and certainly by the date requested. If you have an allergy or a firm dietary restriction, mention it when you reply, briefly and without a long explanation. If it is serious and complex, offer to bring a dish you can safely eat. Our [RSVP guide](https://courteo.us/rsvp-etiquette/) covers the wording, and what to do if your plans change. ### What to bring | Gift | Why it works | Tip | |---|---|---| | Wine or a nice bottle | Classic and easy | Say “for you to enjoy another time” so they don’t feel obliged to open it | | Flowers already in a vase | Beautiful with no work | Unarranged bouquets send the host looking for a vase mid-greeting | | Chocolates or local treats | Good for non-drinkers | Present them as a gift for later, not as dessert | | Something for breakfast | Thoughtful and practical | Good coffee, jam or pastries for the next morning | | A dish you were asked to bring | Lightens the host’s load | Bring it ready to serve, with its own serving utensil | Host gifts that work — and why Don’t bring an uninvited guest, a surprise dish meant for the menu, or a pet. Each of these creates work for the host at the worst possible moment. ## For guests: at the party ### Do - Arrive on time or up to 15 minutes after - Greet the host first and anyone you don’t know - Try a little of everything you can safely eat - Talk to the people beside you, not only your friends - Offer once to help, and take no for an answer ### Don’t - Arrive early, even by five minutes - Announce dislikes or diets at the table - Check your phone during the meal - Open the host’s fridge or cupboards uninvited - Be the last one there unless asked to stay ### Knowing when to leave Watch for natural endings: coffee served, the host starting to tidy, a lull in the conversation. Thank your host warmly, say goodbye to the other guests, and go. If several people stand to leave together, don’t hold the door open with a twenty-minute farewell. ## After the party A thank-you within a day or two is the final courtesy. For a casual supper, a warm text the next morning is enough. For a formal dinner, an evening in your honor, or a first-time invitation, a handwritten note is a lovely touch. Our [thank-you note guide](https://courteo.us/thank-you-notes/) has wording you can borrow. > **A next-day thank-you text** > “Thank you again for last night — the lamb was incredible and I haven’t laughed that hard in ages. We loved meeting Jo and Marcus. Our place next time!” > **Return the invitation** > Hospitality is a circle. You don’t need to repay a dinner party with an identical one, but do invite your hosts to something within a few months, whether that’s brunch, a picnic or drinks. ## Frequently asked questions **What time should I arrive at a dinner party?** Arrive at the stated time or up to about 15 minutes after. Never arrive early, since hosts often use the last minutes to finish cooking or get dressed. If you’ll be more than 15 to 20 minutes late, text the host. **Should I bring wine to a dinner party?** A bottle of wine is a classic host gift, but present it as a gift for the host to enjoy later, not as something they must open that night. If you don't know whether your hosts drink, bring flowers in a vase, chocolates, or a nice non-alcoholic drink instead. **Should guests offer to help clean up?** Yes, offer once, sincerely. If the host declines, accept that graciously and keep them company instead. Insisting on doing the dishes can make a host feel their evening has been taken over. **How long should a dinner party last?** There is no fixed rule, but most dinner parties wind down two to three hours after the meal begins. Watch for cues such as coffee being served, the host tidying up, or yawns, and leave before the host has to hint. **How do I ask guests about allergies or dietary restrictions?** Ask in the invitation or when guests accept: a simple 'Any allergies or foods you avoid?' works. See our guide to hosting guests with dietary restrictions for details. ## Sources - [Emily Post Institute — Invitation Etiquette](https://emilypost.com/advice/invitation-etiquette) - [FARE — Facts and Statistics](https://www.foodallergy.org/resources/facts-and-statistics) - [Gallup — In U.S., 4% Identify as Vegetarian, 1% as Vegan (2023)](https://news.gallup.com/poll/510038/identify-vegetarian-vegan.aspx) --- Courteous (courteo.us) — Modern manners, researched. Markdown version of https://courteo.us/dinner-party-etiquette/ ======================================================================== # Hosting guests with food allergies and dietary restrictions > How to host guests with food allergies, celiac disease or vegetarian and vegan diets: what to ask, menu planning, cross-contact, labels and what guests say. URL: https://courteo.us/dietary-restrictions-allergies/ Published: 2026-10-20 Updated: 2026-10-20 Author: The Courteous Editors Topic: Dining & Hosting Cooking for someone is an act of care, and so is making sure they can actually eat what you’ve made. Dietary needs are no longer an occasional exception at the table. Some are matters of safety (a peanut allergy, celiac disease); others are matters of belief, health or preference (vegetarianism, religious dietary laws, a doctor-advised diet). Good hosting treats all of them with respect and treats the first group with real seriousness. > **A note on safety** > This guide covers etiquette, not medical advice. When a guest has a food allergy or a medical condition, follow their instructions and those of their clinician. They know their own triggers far better than any general guide. ## How common are dietary needs? - **33M** Americans estimated to have at least one food allergy [FARE](https://www.foodallergy.org/resources/facts-and-statistics) - **10.8%** of U.S. adults have a convincing food allergy [Gupta et al., 2019](https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6324316/) - **~2M** people in the U.S. estimated to have celiac disease [NIDDK](https://www.niddk.nih.gov/health-information/digestive-diseases/celiac-disease/definition-facts) - **4% / 1%** of U.S. adults identify as vegetarian / vegan [Gallup, 2023](https://news.gallup.com/poll/510038/identify-vegetarian-vegan.aspx) Food allergies in particular are more widespread, and more often adult, than many hosts assume. In a nationally representative study of more than 40,000 U.S. adults, [10.8% had a convincing food allergy](https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6324316/). Of those, 51.1% had experienced a severe reaction, and 48.0% had developed at least one allergy as an adult. So the friend who ate shrimp happily ten years ago may not be able to now. ## The major allergens to know Under U.S. law, packaged foods must declare nine major allergens. Sesame became the ninth under the FASTER Act, with labeling required since January 1, 2023, according to the [U.S. Food and Drug Administration](https://www.fda.gov/food/food-allergies/faster-act-sesame-ninth-major-food-allergen). | Allergen | Est. Americans affected | Where it hides at dinner parties | |---|---|---| | Shellfish | 8.4 million | Stocks, paella, fish sauce blends, some dips | | Milk | 6.2 million | Butter-finished sauces, bread, mashed potatoes | | Peanut | 6.2 million | Satay, some curries, desserts, fryer oil | | Tree nuts | 3.9 million | Pesto, salads, baked goods, nut flours | | Egg | 2.7 million | Mayonnaise, aioli, glazes, fresh pasta | | Fish | 2.7 million | Caesar dressing, Worcestershire sauce | | Wheat | 2.4 million | Soy sauce, gravies, breadcrumb coatings | | Soy | 1.9 million | Soy sauce, vegetable oils, processed foods | | Sesame | 0.7 million | Hummus (tahini), buns, dressings, spice blends | The nine major U.S. food allergens, with FARE’s estimates of how many Americans each affects Source for estimates: [FARE facts and statistics](https://www.foodallergy.org/resources/facts-and-statistics). ## Step 1: Ask early, and ask once The kindest way to handle dietary needs is to ask before you plan the menu, so guests don’t have to raise it themselves. Put the question in the invitation or ask when they reply. Keep it light and open: > **Asking in an invitation** > “We’d love to have you for dinner on Saturday the 14th at 7. Are there any allergies or foods you don’t eat? I’m planning the menu this week.” If someone mentions an allergy, ask a couple of follow-up questions privately: How severe is it? Is a trace a problem, or only a full serving? Are there hidden sources I should watch for? People with serious allergies are used to these questions and usually appreciate them. ## Step 2: Plan a menu that flexes The most graceful menus don’t single anyone out. Instead of cooking a “special plate” for one guest, design dishes everyone can eat, then add extras on the side. - **Leave the allergen out entirely** when the allergy is serious and the ingredient isn’t essential. Skipping pine nuts in a salad is easier than making two salads. - **Serve components separately:** sauces, cheese, croutons and nuts on the side let guests build their own plates. - **Make one generous vegetarian main** rather than relying on sides when a vegetarian or vegan is coming. A pile of side vegetables isn’t dinner. - **Choose naturally gluten-free starches,** such as rice, potatoes or polenta, so a guest with celiac disease isn’t left out of the main course. - **Keep packaging** for anything store-bought so a guest can read the label themselves. - **Use a planner.** Mapping each guest’s needs against the menu in a meal-planning tool such as the [PantryRx web app](https://pantryrx.ai/app/) makes it easy to spot a dish that doesn’t work for someone before you shop. If you want recipes that already lean vegetable-forward or allergen-light, [PantryRx’s daily recipes](https://pantryrx.ai/recipes/) and the practical nutrition articles on [the PantryRx dietitian blog](https://pantryrx.ai/blog/) are good starting points. For saving and scaling your own recipes offline, this comparison of [offline recipe apps and meal planners](https://allthingsn.com/best/best-offline-recipe-apps/) may help. ## Step 3: Prevent cross-contact in the kitchen For a serious allergy or celiac disease, the ingredients are only half the story. Tiny amounts transferred through shared equipment can cause a reaction. The Celiac Disease Foundation notes that celiac disease [affects about 1 in 100 people worldwide](https://celiac.org/about-celiac-disease/what-is-celiac-disease/), and for them even small amounts of gluten cause harm. ### Do - Cook the allergen-free dish first, then cover it - Use freshly washed boards, knives, pans and towels - Give every dish its own serving spoon - Serve the guest with the allergy first, before the buffet is touched - Read every label, including spices, stocks and sauces ### Don’t - Pick nuts or croutons off a salad and call it safe - Reuse frying oil or a toaster with gluten in it - Assume “a little” won’t matter - Guess about a store-bought item without the packaging - Pressure anyone to “just try a bite” ## Step 4: Label the table At buffets, potlucks and parties, small cards naming each dish and its main allergens (“Contains: dairy, tree nuts”) save guests from having to quiz you while you’re busy. It’s also helpful for guests who didn’t think to mention a restriction. Label honestly: if you aren’t certain, write “May contain” or ask the guest to check with you. ## For guests: how to communicate a dietary need Hosts can’t accommodate what they don’t know about. Mention your need when you reply to the invitation, not when you sit down to eat. - **Be brief and clear:** “I have a serious tree-nut allergy, including traces” tells a host exactly what they need to know. - **Separate needs from preferences.** “I’m allergic to shellfish” and “I don’t love mushrooms” are very different requests. Only mention the second if asked. - **Offer a solution:** bring a dish to share that you know is safe, or eat beforehand if the menu is complicated. - **Carry what you need**, such as prescribed medication, as you would anywhere. - **Be gracious at the table.** If a dish isn’t safe, pass it quietly. No commentary or apology is needed. > **Replying to an invitation with a restriction** > “We’d love to come — thank you! One thing to mention: I have celiac disease, so I can’t have any gluten, even crumbs. Please don’t go to any trouble. I’m happy to bring a main dish to share so there’s definitely something I can eat.” ## Religious and ethical diets Many guests follow dietary practices rooted in faith or ethics: no pork or alcohol, halal or kosher rules, vegetarianism during certain observances, or no beef. You don’t need to master every tradition; ask what would be comfortable for them. Often a vegetarian main and an alcohol-free drink option cover most needs. Never treat a faith-based practice as a preference that can be bent “just this once.” > **The host’s goal** > Not perfection, just that every guest leaves full, safe and feeling welcome. If you’re unsure you can manage a severe allergy safely, say so honestly and work out a plan together. That honesty is itself a courtesy. For the rest of the evening, from invitations to the thank-you, see our [dinner party etiquette guide](https://courteo.us/dinner-party-etiquette/). ## Frequently asked questions **Is it rude to ask guests about dietary restrictions?** No, it is considerate. Ask once, when you invite people or when they accept: 'Any allergies or foods you don’t eat?' Most guests are grateful to be asked rather than having to raise it themselves. **Is it rude to bring my own food to a dinner party?** Not if you tell the host first. For a serious allergy or celiac disease, offering to bring a dish you can safely eat — and enough to share — is a common and gracious solution. Explain briefly rather than apologetically. **What is cross-contact?** Cross-contact happens when an allergen is transferred to a food that doesn’t contain it, for example through a shared knife, cutting board, fryer oil, or serving spoon. Cooking does not reliably remove the allergen, so for a guest with a serious allergy, separate utensils and surfaces matter. **Should I make the whole meal allergen-free?** When it is practical, yes. If one guest has a severe nut allergy, leaving nuts out of every dish is simpler and safer than cooking two versions. For preferences such as vegetarianism, one substantial dish they can enjoy alongside the main course is usually enough. **What if I’m not confident I can cook safely for a guest’s allergy?** Say so honestly and ask the guest what would help. Options include using sealed packaged foods with clear labels, ordering from a restaurant the guest trusts, or inviting the guest to bring their own plate. Their safety matters more than your menu. ## Sources - [FARE (Food Allergy Research & Education) — Facts and Statistics](https://www.foodallergy.org/resources/facts-and-statistics) - [Gupta et al., Prevalence and Severity of Food Allergies Among US Adults, JAMA Network Open (2019), via PubMed Central](https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6324316/) - [U.S. Food and Drug Administration — FASTER Act: Sesame Is the Ninth Major Food Allergen](https://www.fda.gov/food/food-allergies/faster-act-sesame-ninth-major-food-allergen) - [Gallup — In U.S., 4% Identify as Vegetarian, 1% as Vegan (2023)](https://news.gallup.com/poll/510038/identify-vegetarian-vegan.aspx) - [NIDDK (National Institutes of Health) — Definition & Facts for Celiac Disease](https://www.niddk.nih.gov/health-information/digestive-diseases/celiac-disease/definition-facts) - [Celiac Disease Foundation — What Is Celiac Disease?](https://celiac.org/about-celiac-disease/what-is-celiac-disease/) --- Courteous (courteo.us) — Modern manners, researched. Markdown version of https://courteo.us/dietary-restrictions-allergies/ ======================================================================== # RSVP etiquette: how and when to reply to an invitation > RSVP etiquette made simple: how fast to reply, what “regrets only” means, plus-ones and kids, changing your answer, and wording to accept or decline. URL: https://courteo.us/rsvp-etiquette/ Published: 2026-10-20 Updated: 2026-10-20 Author: The Courteous Editors Topic: Dining & Hosting RSVP stands for *répondez s’il vous plaît* — “please reply.” It’s a simple request, but anyone who has hosted a party knows how often it goes unanswered. Hosts need numbers to buy food, set tables, book venues and plan seating. A prompt reply, either way, is a small gift to the person who invited you. ## The golden rules of replying - **Reply quickly.** The Emily Post Institute advises [replying within a day or two of receiving an invitation](https://emilypost.com/advice/invitation-etiquette), and by the RSVP deadline at the latest. - **Reply either way.** Unless the invitation says “regrets only,” the host needs your no as much as your yes. - **Reply the way you were asked.** Use the response card, website, e-vite or phone number provided. - **Reply only for those invited.** The names on the invitation are the guest list. - **Keep your word.** A yes is a commitment the host is planning around. ## How to RSVP, by invitation type | Invitation says or includes | How to reply | |---|---| | A response card | Fill it in and mail it back in the envelope provided, before the deadline. | | “RSVP” with an address but no card | Send a short handwritten reply to the host at the return address. | | “RSVP” with a phone number | Call and speak to the host, rather than relying only on voicemail. | | An e-mail invitation | Reply to the e-mail. | | An e-vite or wedding website | Use the site’s RSVP button. If you choose “maybe,” follow up with a firm answer. | | A text or group chat | Reply directly to the host, not only in the group thread, so your answer doesn’t get lost. | | “Regrets only” | Reply only if you can’t attend. Silence means yes. | | No reply requested | A quick note or call letting the host know your plans is still courteous. | How to reply to each kind of invitation These methods follow the Emily Post Institute’s guidance on [how to RSVP](https://emilypost.com/advice/how-do-i-rsvp), including its reminder that if you pick “maybe” on an e-vite, you should come back with a final answer. ## Sample wording > **Accepting** > “Thank you so much for the invitation — Alex and I would be delighted to come to dinner on Saturday the 14th. Is there anything we can bring?” > **Declining** > “Thank you so much for thinking of me. I’m so sorry I can’t make it on the 14th — I’ll be out of town that weekend. I hope it’s a wonderful evening, and I’d love to catch up soon.” > **Accepting with a dietary note** > “We’d love to come, thank you! Just so you know, I’m vegetarian — please don’t make anything special; I’ll happily fill up on sides.” You don’t owe a detailed reason for declining. “I have a conflict that evening” is complete and polite. Do avoid a vague reason that you then visibly contradict on social media. ## Plus-ones, partners and children The invitation tells you who is invited. Read the envelope or message carefully: - **Your name only:** you alone are invited. Don’t ask to bring a date. - **Your name “and guest”:** you may bring someone. Tell the host whether you will, and give their name. - **Your family’s names, or “the Kim family”:** children are included. If only adults are named, they aren’t. Emily Post’s advice on asking to add people is blunt: [don’t ask](https://emilypost.com/advice/invitation-etiquette). If you have a houseguest that weekend, the gracious move is to decline and explain why; the host can then offer to include your guest if they wish. For wedding-specific questions, see our [wedding guest etiquette guide](https://courteo.us/wedding-guest-etiquette/). ## Changing your answer ### Acceptable - Changing yes to no for illness, injury, a death in the family or an unavoidable work conflict - Changing no to yes if it won’t disrupt the host’s plans (ask first) - Telling the host as soon as you know, by phone if it’s close to the date ### Not acceptable - Dropping out because a better invitation came along - Simply not showing up - Leaving a “maybe” unresolved until the day - Turning up with someone who wasn’t invited No-shows hurt more than hosts let on, and the problem isn’t limited to private parties. In a survey OpenTable reported in 2021, [30% of Americans said they had skipped a restaurant reservation in the past year](https://www.restaurantdive.com/news/opentable-launches-initiative-to-combat-diner-no-shows/602034/). Whether it’s a dinner table or a friend’s living room, someone planned and paid for your seat. > **Cancelling after accepting** > “I’m so sorry to do this — I’ve come down with a fever and won’t be able to come tonight. I was really looking forward to it. I hope it’s a lovely evening, and I’d love to see you soon.” ## For hosts: making it easy to reply Hosts can reduce RSVP headaches with a clear invitation: - Name exactly who is invited, including whether children or a guest are included. - Give a specific reply-by date. Two weeks before the event is typical for larger gatherings. - Offer one clear way to reply, such as a link, phone number or e-mail. - Ask about allergies and dietary needs in the same message (see our guide to [hosting guests with dietary restrictions](https://courteo.us/dietary-restrictions-allergies/)). - Keep a single list of replies. A free planner such as [Confetti](https://allthingsn.com/apps/confetti/) tracks guests, replies and to-dos in one place. - Follow up kindly with anyone who hasn’t replied a few days before the deadline: “Just checking whether you’ll be able to join us on the 14th — no pressure either way!” > **Why it matters** > A fast, clear reply says, “I respect your planning.” It is the first courtesy a guest offers, long before they arrive at the door. ## Frequently asked questions **What does RSVP stand for?** RSVP comes from the French “répondez s’il vous plaît,” meaning “please reply.” It asks you to tell the host whether you will attend, yes or no. **How soon should I RSVP?** The Emily Post Institute recommends replying within a day or two of receiving an invitation, and no later than the RSVP date if one is given. **What does “regrets only” mean?** It means you only need to reply if you cannot attend. If the host doesn’t hear from you, they will expect you to come. **Can I ask to bring a plus-one?** Generally, no. An invitation is extended to the people named on it. If the invitation says “and guest,” say in your reply whether you’re bringing someone and give their name. **Is it OK to change my RSVP from yes to no?** Only for genuine reasons, such as illness, injury, a death in the family, or an unavoidable work conflict, and you should tell the host right away, ideally by phone. Dropping out for a better offer is a serious breach of etiquette. ## Sources - [Emily Post Institute — Invitation Etiquette](https://emilypost.com/advice/invitation-etiquette) - [Emily Post Institute — How Do I RSVP?](https://emilypost.com/advice/how-do-i-rsvp) - [Restaurant Dive — OpenTable launches initiative to combat diner no-shows (June 2021)](https://www.restaurantdive.com/news/opentable-launches-initiative-to-combat-diner-no-shows/602034/) --- Courteous (courteo.us) — Modern manners, researched. Markdown version of https://courteo.us/rsvp-etiquette/ ======================================================================== # Neighbor etiquette: how to be (and keep) a good neighbor > Practical neighbor etiquette for noise, parking, pets, fences, packages and introductions, plus how to raise a problem politely and a sample note to a neighbor. URL: https://courteo.us/neighbor-etiquette/ Published: 2026-10-20 Updated: 2026-10-20 Author: The Courteous Editors Topic: Everyday Courtesy Neighbors occupy an odd place in our lives: close enough to hear us, but often strangers. And they are getting more distant. In a Pew Research Center survey of 9,482 U.S. adults conducted in March 2025, only [26% said they know all or most of their neighbors](https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2025/05/08/how-connected-do-americans-feel-to-their-neighbors/), down from 31% in 2018. Most (62%) know only some, and 12% know none at all. That matters for etiquette, because it is much easier to raise a problem, ask a favor or forgive an annoyance with someone whose name you know. Being a good neighbor starts with a hello. - **26%** know all or most of their neighbors (31% in 2018) [Pew, 2025](https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2025/05/08/how-connected-do-americans-feel-to-their-neighbors/) - **59%** have a neighbor they’d trust with a spare key [Pew, 2025](https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2025/05/08/how-connected-do-americans-feel-to-their-neighbors/) - **76%** would bring in a neighbor’s mail while they’re away [Pew, 2025](https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2025/05/08/how-connected-do-americans-feel-to-their-neighbors/) - **44%** trust all or most of their neighbors (52% in 2015) [Pew, 2025](https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2025/05/08/how-connected-do-americans-feel-to-their-neighbors/) ## We’re kinder than we expect each other to be One of the most hopeful findings in Pew’s survey is a gap between what people would do and what they expect from others. Some 76% said they would bring in the mail for a neighbor who was away, but only 52% thought a neighbor would do the same for them. And 67% said they would bring a meal to a sick neighbor, while only 42% expected a neighbor to do that for them. In other words, most people are more willing to help than their neighbors assume. Etiquette’s job here is simply to make the first move easier. ## Introducing yourself Whether you just moved in or someone new arrived next door, a brief introduction in the first week or two is the most valuable neighborly courtesy there is. - Knock at a reasonable hour (late morning or early evening on a weekend works well) and keep it to a few minutes. - Give your name, which house or unit is yours, and something friendly: “Let us know if you need a recommendation for a plumber.” - Offer contact details if you’re comfortable. Many neighbors appreciate a phone number for emergencies, like a water leak or a lost pet. - A small treat is lovely but optional. A note slipped under the door works too. > **A welcome note** > Hi! We’re Dana and Luis in the green house at number 14. Welcome to the street. If you ever need anything (a cup of sugar, a spare ladder, the name of a good electrician) just knock or text us at 555-0142. Hope you’re settling in well! ## The classic friction points | Issue | Courteous default | |---|---| | Noise | Keep loud music, power tools and parties within reasonable daytime hours and check your local quiet-hours rules. Give neighbors a heads-up before a party or a renovation. | | Parking | Don’t block driveways, mailboxes or bins; avoid taking the spot in front of someone else’s house every day if street parking is tight. Ask guests to park considerately too. | | Pets | Pick up after dogs every time, keep barking in check (especially when you’re out), and don’t let cats or dogs roam into others’ gardens. | | Trees and fences | Talk before you trim overhanging branches or replace a shared fence. Offer to share costs for shared boundaries, and check property lines and local rules first. | | Trash and bins | Put bins out and bring them back in on schedule; secure lids so trash doesn’t blow into a neighbor’s yard. | | Packages | Return misdelivered parcels promptly and unopened. If you’re asked to hold a delivery, keep it safe and let your neighbor know it arrived. | | Shared walls (apartments) | Rugs under heavy furniture, soft-close habits for doors, and headphones late at night go a long way. | | Kids and balls | Teach children to knock and ask before retrieving a ball from a neighbor’s yard. | Common neighbor issues and the courteous default ## How to raise a problem without starting a feud Most neighbor disputes start small and grow because one side stews silently and then explodes, or skips the conversation and calls an authority. A calmer path: 1. **Assume they don’t know.** People rarely realize their bass carries or their security light shines into your bedroom. 2. **Pick a neutral moment.** Not mid-party, not when you’re furious. A weekend afternoon is better than 1 a.m. 3. **Be specific and suggest a fix.** “Your dog barks for most of the morning after you leave. Would it help if I texted you when it happens?” 4. **Listen.** There may be a reason (a new baby, a night-shift job) that changes the conversation. 5. **Follow up kindly.** If things improve, say thanks. If they don’t, then consider a landlord, HOA or mediation service. > **A friendly note about a problem** > Hi Sam, it’s Jordan from 3B. I hope this isn’t awkward to raise: music from your place has been carrying into our bedroom late at night, usually after 11. I’m sure you didn’t realize. Would you mind keeping it down after then on weeknights? Thanks so much, and knock anytime if anything from our side bothers you. > **When to skip the conversation** > If you feel unsafe, suspect a crime, or someone may be in danger, contact the appropriate authority immediately. Etiquette never requires you to confront someone at personal risk. ## Small ways to build goodwill ### Do - Wave and say hello, even if you don’t chat - Offer to bring in mail or water plants when they travel - Give advance notice of parties, construction or a moving truck - Return borrowed tools promptly, cleaned - Check on older or isolated neighbors during storms and heat waves ### Don’t - Post complaints about a neighbor in a community group before talking to them - Use their trash bins, driveway or Wi-Fi without asking - Let leaves, snow or debris from your property pile onto theirs - Peer over fences or comment on how they keep their home If you want to go further, a simple gathering is one of the best ways to turn a street of strangers into a neighborhood. A potluck or block party doesn’t need to be elaborate; a free planner like [Confetti](https://allthingsn.com/apps/confetti/) helps you keep track of the date, who’s bringing what and the to-do list. Our guides to [hosting](https://courteo.us/dinner-party-etiquette/) and [cooking for guests with allergies](https://courteo.us/dietary-restrictions-allergies/) cover the rest. Curious why so many people feel daily life has grown less courteous? See our look at [what the data says about rudeness](https://courteo.us/state-of-civility/). ## Frequently asked questions **How do I complain to a neighbor about noise politely?** Talk in person, at a calm moment, not mid-party. Be specific about the noise and the time, assume they don't know, and suggest a fix: 'The bass carries into our bedroom after 11; could you turn it down after then?' Put it in a friendly note if you're not comfortable knocking. **Should I introduce myself to new neighbors?** Yes. A quick hello and your name within the first couple of weeks is a kind default, whether you're the newcomer or the longtime resident. A small treat or a note with your contact details is a bonus, not a requirement. **Is it rude to call the police or HOA about a neighbor?** For safety issues or emergencies, call immediately. For ordinary nuisances like noise, parking or trash, speak to the neighbor first; going straight to an authority tends to escalate a fixable problem into a lasting grudge. **What should I do with a neighbor's misdelivered package?** Bring it over promptly, or leave a note saying you have it if they're out. Don't open it, and don't leave it exposed on their porch if theft is common in your area. ## Sources - [Pew Research Center — How connected do Americans feel to their neighbors? (May 2025; survey of 9,482 adults, March 2025)](https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2025/05/08/how-connected-do-americans-feel-to-their-neighbors/) --- Courteous (courteo.us) — Modern manners, researched. Markdown version of https://courteo.us/neighbor-etiquette/ ======================================================================== # Teaching kids manners: an age-by-age guide > An age-by-age guide to teaching children manners: greetings, table habits, thank-you notes, screens and sharing, plus what parents say they value most. URL: https://courteo.us/kids-manners/ Published: 2026-10-20 Updated: 2026-10-20 Author: The Courteous Editors Topic: Everyday Courtesy Manners for children aren’t about producing small, silent adults. They’re a toolkit for getting along with others: how to greet someone, how to wait a turn, how to say thank you, how to make a guest feel welcome. Kids who have that toolkit tend to find social situations easier, and the adults around them notice. Parents broadly agree on the underlying values. In Pew Research Center’s 2014 survey, [94% of parents said responsibility was important to teach children and 92% said hard work](https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2014/09/18/families-may-differ-but-they-share-common-values-on-parenting/), and Pew described good manners as widely viewed as important across groups. Pew’s 2023 parenting report found that [66% of parents say it is extremely important that their children grow up to be honest and ethical](https://www.pewresearch.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/20/2023/01/PST_2023.01.24_parenting_REPORT.pdf), more than any other trait asked about. - **66%** of parents say it’s extremely important their kids grow up honest and ethical [Pew, 2023](https://www.pewresearch.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/20/2023/01/PST_2023.01.24_parenting_REPORT.pdf) - **42%** say the same about being accepting of people who are different [Pew, 2023](https://www.pewresearch.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/20/2023/01/PST_2023.01.24_parenting_REPORT.pdf) - **40%** say the same about helping people in need [Pew, 2023](https://www.pewresearch.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/20/2023/01/PST_2023.01.24_parenting_REPORT.pdf) Those values (honesty, acceptance, helping others) are exactly what everyday manners put into practice. Saying sorry is honesty. Including the new kid is acceptance. Holding the door is helping. ## Manners by age: a realistic guide Every child develops differently, and neurodivergent children may need different approaches or timelines. Treat this as a rough guide to what is reasonable to model and practice, not a checklist to grade a child against. | Age | Reasonable to practice | How to teach it | |---|---|---| | Toddlers (2–3) | “Please” and “thank you” with prompting; waving hello and goodbye; gentle hands with others | Model constantly; prompt warmly (“What’s the magic word?”); praise attempts | | Preschool (3–5) | Greeting adults by name; taking turns; saying sorry; staying seated for part of a meal; not interrupting (with a hand-on-arm signal) | Role-play with toys; agree on simple signals; short, consistent rules | | Early school (6–8) | Basic table manners (napkin, chewing with mouth closed, asking to be excused); thank-you notes with help; answering the phone or door politely; good sportsmanship | Practice at family meals; write notes together; talk through games before and after | | Older kids (9–12) | Making introductions; looking people in the eye (where culturally appropriate); writing notes independently; sharing devices fairly; being a considerate guest at sleepovers | Give responsibility (they greet guests); debrief after visits; explain the “why” | | Teens (13+) | Phone etiquette in company; respectful online behavior; RSVPs and showing up on time; writing emails to teachers or coaches; thanking hosts and employers | Treat them as partners; discuss real situations; let them handle their own plans and follow-ups | Age-appropriate manners to model and practice ## The core habits, and how to build them ### Greetings Teach children to greet people when they arrive and say goodbye when they leave. Let them choose a comfortable form, whether a wave, high-five, handshake or hug, rather than insisting on physical affection. A clear “Hi, Grandma!” is the courtesy; the hug is optional. ### Please, thank you and sorry These three words do most of the work. The most effective teaching tool is your own example, including saying please and thank you *to your children* and apologizing to them when you get something wrong. ### At the table - Wait until everyone is served (or the host starts) before eating. - Napkin on the lap, mouth closed while chewing, no reaching across others. - Try a bite of new foods, or decline politely: “No, thank you.” - Ask to be excused, and carry your plate to the kitchen. - Thank whoever cooked. For the full rundown, see our guide to [table manners](https://courteo.us/table-manners/). ### Screens and phones Children learn device manners mostly by watching adults. A family rule that applies to everyone (no phones at the table, devices away when someone is talking to you, headphones on in public) is easier to keep than a rule that only applies to kids. Older children can help write the rules, which makes them more likely to follow them. ## Thank-you notes: the habit worth the effort Writing thank-you notes can feel like a chore to kids, and to parents nagging them. But the research suggests it’s worth it. In experiments by Amit Kumar and Nicholas Epley published in *Psychological Science* in 2018, people who wrote letters of gratitude [consistently underestimated how surprised and happy recipients would be](https://www.chicagobooth.edu/media-relations-and-communications/press-releases/expressing-your-gratitude-is-more-powerful-than-you-think), and overestimated how awkward the recipient would find it. As [UChicago News](https://news.uchicago.edu/story/people-underestimate-value-sending-letters-appreciation) summarized, people undervalue the positive impact of expressing gratitude. Teaching kids to write notes is teaching them that their thanks matter to other people. Keep it short and age-appropriate: > **A thank-you note a 7-year-old can write** > Dear Aunt Rosa, thank you for the dinosaur book! My favorite page is the one about the T. rex. I am reading it every night. Love, Theo Older kids comfortable at a keyboard can send a thank-you email to a coach or teacher. If they’re still hunting and pecking, free practice like [Keystride’s typing lessons](https://allthingsn.com/typing/) helps them get their words down without frustration. See our full guide to [thank-you notes](https://courteo.us/thank-you-notes/) for more templates. ## Generosity, sharing and fairness Manners extend beyond words to how children treat shared resources and other people’s time. Practical ways to build that: - **Giving as a habit.** Some families set aside part of an allowance for giving; an allowance tracker such as [Allowly](https://allthingsn.com/apps/allowly/) lets kids see a separate “give” jar grow alongside spending and saving. - **Taking turns among families.** Kids notice when the adults are fair too. If your team rotates snacks or carpools, keeping the rotation clear (a shared list or an app like [Snackduty](https://allthingsn.com/apps/snackduty/)) models reliability: showing up when it’s your turn. - **Hosting friends.** Let your child greet guests, offer a drink and choose an activity the guest will enjoy, not just their own favorite. - **Being a good guest.** Follow the house rules, help tidy up, and thank the parent before leaving. ### Do - Model the manners you want to see, including with your kids - Praise specific courteous acts (“You were so kind to share your snack”) - Prepare kids before new situations (“At the wedding, we’ll be quiet during the vows”) - Correct privately and gently when you can ### Don’t - Shame children in front of others for a slip - Expect adult-level patience from small children at long events - Force physical affection in the name of politeness - Hold kids to rules the adults ignore > **Explain the why** > Children follow rules more willingly when they understand the reason: “We say thank you so people know we noticed what they did for us.” Manners framed as kindness stick better than manners framed as rules. ## Frequently asked questions **At what age should children start saying please and thank you?** As soon as they start talking. Toddlers won't remember every time, but modeling the words and gently prompting ('What do we say?') builds the habit long before they understand why it matters. **Should kids be forced to hug relatives?** Many families now choose not to require physical affection. Teach a polite greeting instead and let the child choose between a hug, a high-five, a wave or a handshake. Courtesy and bodily autonomy are compatible. **How do I get my child to write thank-you notes?** Make it short and age-appropriate: a drawing from a toddler, a dictated sentence from a preschooler, a few handwritten lines from a school-age child. Do it within a week or two of the gift, and sit down together rather than assigning it as a chore. **Are phones and tablets at the table bad manners for kids?** Most families find that a simple rule (no screens at meals, for anyone) works best. The key word is anyone: children copy what adults do far more than what adults say. ## Sources - [Pew Research Center — Parenting in America Today (Jan. 2023 report, PDF)](https://www.pewresearch.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/20/2023/01/PST_2023.01.24_parenting_REPORT.pdf) - [Pew Research Center — Families may differ, but they share common values on parenting (Sept. 2014)](https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2014/09/18/families-may-differ-but-they-share-common-values-on-parenting/) - [Chicago Booth — Expressing your gratitude is more powerful than you think (Kumar & Epley, 2018)](https://www.chicagobooth.edu/media-relations-and-communications/press-releases/expressing-your-gratitude-is-more-powerful-than-you-think) - [UChicago News — People underestimate the value of sending letters of appreciation](https://news.uchicago.edu/story/people-underestimate-value-sending-letters-appreciation) --- Courteous (courteo.us) — Modern manners, researched. Markdown version of https://courteo.us/kids-manners/ ======================================================================== # Are people getting ruder? What the data actually says > What surveys from Pew, SHRM and Civility in America reveal about rudeness in public, at work and online, why it matters, and what each of us can do about it. URL: https://courteo.us/state-of-civility/ Published: 2026-10-20 Updated: 2026-10-20 Author: The Courteous Editors Topic: Everyday Courtesy Complaints that manners are in decline are as old as manners themselves. But a run of recent surveys suggests that many people are not just nostalgic: they report noticing more rudeness in stores, at work and especially online. Here is what the best available data says, what it can’t tell us, and what it implies for how we behave. - **47%** say people are ruder in public than before COVID-19 [Pew, 2025](https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2025/03/12/almost-half-of-americans-say-people-have-gotten-ruder-since-the-covid-19-pandemic/) - **93%** say the U.S. has a civility problem; 68% call it “major” [Civility in America, 2019](https://convergencepolicy.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/CivilityInAmerica2019SolutionsforTomorrow.pdf) - **41%** of Americans have experienced online harassment [Pew, 2021](https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2021/01/13/the-state-of-online-harassment/) - **1.34** uncivil acts per worker per day [SHRM, Q4 2024](https://shrm.org/about/press-room/incivility-reaches-record-high-with-political-viewpoint-differen) ## In public: half of Americans see a change In a Pew Research Center survey of 9,609 U.S. adults conducted in November 2024, [47% said people behave more rudely in public now than before the COVID-19 pandemic](https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2025/03/12/almost-half-of-americans-say-people-have-gotten-ruder-since-the-covid-19-pandemic/), including 20% who said “a lot ruder.” Another 44% said behavior is about the same, and 9% said people are more polite. The same survey found that 34% of Americans almost always or often see people behaving rudely in public, and another 46% sometimes do. Put differently, rudeness is a regular part of public life for most people. > **What this data can and can’t show** > These are perceptions, not direct counts of rude acts. People may notice and remember rudeness more after a stressful period. But perception matters on its own: if people *expect* rudeness, they tend to be more guarded and less generous with strangers. ## A national “civility problem” The [Civility in America 2019](https://convergencepolicy.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/CivilityInAmerica2019SolutionsforTomorrow.pdf) study by Weber Shandwick, Powell Tate and KRC Research, which surveyed 1,230 U.S. adults plus 100 teens, found that 93% of Americans believe the country has a civility problem and 68% consider it a major one. Respondents who experienced incivility reported an average of 10.2 uncivil encounters per week. The study also tracked where incivility happens. Between 2013 and 2019, reported uncivil encounters online rose from 4.4 to 5.5 per week, while in-person encounters fell from 5.9 to 4.7. The friction hadn’t disappeared; it had moved onto screens. | Setting | 2013 | 2019 | |---|---|---| | Online | 4.4 | 5.5 | | In person | 5.9 | 4.7 | Average weekly uncivil encounters reported, among people who experienced incivility (Civility in America) ## Online: where incivility concentrates In the same 2019 study, 63% of Americans said social media has had a more negative than positive effect on civility; only 9% said more positive. Pew’s research on harassment shows the sharper end of the problem: in a 2020 survey of 10,093 adults, [41% of Americans said they had personally experienced online harassment](https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2021/01/13/the-state-of-online-harassment/), and 25% had experienced more severe forms, up from 15% in 2014. Among adults under 30, the share who had been harassed online was 64%. Our guide to [social media etiquette](https://courteo.us/social-media-etiquette/) covers how to disagree online without adding to the pile. ## At work: the cost of incivility Workplace researchers have measured rudeness for decades. Christine Porath and Christine Pearson, writing in [Harvard Business Review](https://hbr.org/2013/01/the-price-of-incivility), reported that 98% of the workers they had polled over 14 years had experienced incivility, and that in 2011 half said they were treated rudely at least once a week, up from a quarter in 1998. They also found that about half of people on the receiving end deliberately cut back their work effort. More recently, SHRM’s Civility Index for the fourth quarter of 2024, based on 1,622 employed U.S. workers, found an average of [1.34 uncivil acts per worker per day](https://shrm.org/about/press-room/incivility-reaches-record-high-with-political-viewpoint-differen). SHRM estimated that added up to more than 222 million uncivil acts a day across the workforce, at a cost to businesses of about $2.7 billion a day. See our [workplace etiquette guide](https://courteo.us/workplace-etiquette/) for the everyday habits that keep teams civil. ## The good news: courtesy is contagious too If rudeness spreads, so does its opposite. Research summarized by the [Harvard Gazette](https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2013/03/the-power-of-thanks/) found that in experiments by Adam Grant and Francesca Gino, 66% of people who had been thanked for help went on to help someone else, compared with 32% of those who hadn’t been thanked. And Amit Kumar and Nicholas Epley found that people who write gratitude letters [underestimate how good the letters make recipients feel](https://www.chicagobooth.edu/media-relations-and-communications/press-releases/expressing-your-gratitude-is-more-powerful-than-you-think) and overestimate how awkward recipients will find them. Both findings point the same way: small courtesies are more powerful, and less risky, than we tend to assume. ## What you can do about it - **Go first.** Greet the cashier, hold the door, say thank you. Courtesy sets the tone of an interaction more than any rule does. - **Assume good intent once.** The person who cut you off may not have seen you. A charitable first reading prevents most escalations. - **Disagree with the idea, not the person.** Especially online, where tone is easy to misread. - **Thank people specifically.** “Thanks for staying late to finish that” beats a generic “thanks.” - **Pause before posting.** If you wouldn’t say it to someone’s face, it probably doesn’t belong in a comment thread. - **Don’t pass rudeness along.** When someone is rude to you, the courteous move is not to hand it to the next person, especially someone in a service job. - **Know your neighbors.** It is much harder to be uncivil with someone whose name you know; see our [neighbor etiquette guide](https://courteo.us/neighbor-etiquette/). ### Small courtesies that matter - Eye contact and a greeting for service workers - Phone down during face-to-face conversations - Prompt replies, even just “Got it, will answer Friday” - Apologizing quickly and plainly when you’re wrong ### Small incivilities that add up - Speakerphone calls in shared spaces - Ignoring messages that need a reply - Talking over people in meetings - Sarcastic replies to strangers online For practical wording in tense moments, see our guide to [courteous phrases for both sides of the counter](https://courteo.us/customer-service-phrases/). ## Frequently asked questions **Have people really become ruder since the pandemic?** Many Americans think so. In a Pew Research Center survey conducted in November 2024, 47% of U.S. adults said people behave more rudely in public than before COVID-19, 44% said about the same, and 9% said people are more polite. **How common is rudeness at work?** Very. Research by Christine Porath and Christine Pearson found that 98% of workers they polled over 14 years had experienced uncivil behavior at work, and SHRM's Civility Index for late 2024 found U.S. workers saw or experienced an average of 1.34 uncivil acts per day. **Is the internet making people less civil?** Survey data points that way. In the 2019 Civility in America study, 63% of Americans said social media has had a more negative than positive effect on civility, and the average number of uncivil encounters people reported online rose between 2013 and 2019. **Does being polite actually change anything?** Research says yes. In studies by Adam Grant and Francesca Gino, people who were thanked were about twice as likely to help again as people who were not, and experiments by Kumar and Epley found gratitude letters are received far more warmly than writers expect. ## Sources - [Pew Research Center — Almost half of Americans say people have gotten ruder since the COVID-19 pandemic (Mar. 2025)](https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2025/03/12/almost-half-of-americans-say-people-have-gotten-ruder-since-the-covid-19-pandemic/) - [Weber Shandwick, Powell Tate & KRC Research — Civility in America 2019 (PDF)](https://convergencepolicy.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/CivilityInAmerica2019SolutionsforTomorrow.pdf) - [Harvard Business Review — Porath & Pearson, The Price of Incivility (2013)](https://hbr.org/2013/01/the-price-of-incivility) - [SHRM — Incivility reaches record high (Civility Index, Q4 2024)](https://shrm.org/about/press-room/incivility-reaches-record-high-with-political-viewpoint-differen) - [Pew Research Center — The State of Online Harassment (Jan. 2021)](https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2021/01/13/the-state-of-online-harassment/) - [Harvard Gazette — The power of thanks (Grant & Gino research)](https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2013/03/the-power-of-thanks/) - [Chicago Booth — Expressing your gratitude is more powerful than you think (Kumar & Epley, 2018)](https://www.chicagobooth.edu/media-relations-and-communications/press-releases/expressing-your-gratitude-is-more-powerful-than-you-think) --- Courteous (courteo.us) — Modern manners, researched. Markdown version of https://courteo.us/state-of-civility/ ======================================================================== # Wedding guest etiquette: what the couple hopes you’ll know > How to RSVP, what to spend on a wedding gift, decoding dress codes, plus-one rules, phones at unplugged ceremonies, and being a guest couples remember. URL: https://courteo.us/wedding-guest-etiquette/ Published: 2026-10-20 Updated: 2026-10-20 Author: The Courteous Editors Topic: Life Events & Gifts A wedding invitation is a compliment: someone has decided they want you there on one of the most important days of their life, and they are probably paying for your dinner. Being a good guest is mostly a matter of making their planning easier and their day calmer. The details below cover the questions guests ask most. It helps to remember what couples are juggling. Zola’s survey of more than 11,500 couples marrying in 2026 found an [average budget of $36,000 and an average guest count of 145](https://www.zola.com/expert-advice/the-first-look-report). Every unanswered RSVP and surprise extra guest lands on a spreadsheet somewhere. - **$36,000** average wedding budget for couples marrying in 2026 [Zola, 2026](https://www.zola.com/expert-advice/the-first-look-report) - **145** average guest count reported by 2026 couples [Zola, 2026](https://www.zola.com/expert-advice/the-first-look-report) - **27%** of couples adding cash funds to their registry, up from 16% [Zola, 2026](https://www.zola.com/expert-advice/the-first-look-report) ## Replying to the invitation The single most helpful thing a guest can do is reply promptly. The Emily Post Institute advises [responding within a day or two of receiving an invitation](https://emilypost.com/advice/invitation-etiquette), and certainly no later than the date the couple asks for. Use whatever method they requested, whether that’s a reply card, a wedding website, or a text to a parent. - **Reply for exactly the people named.** If the invitation says “Ms. Rivera and Guest,” you may bring someone. If it names only you, come alone. - **Answer every question on the form.** Meal choices and dietary needs help the caterer. - **Say no kindly if you can’t go.** A short note of congratulations with your regrets is warmer than silence. - **Treat “yes” as a commitment.** Emily Post’s guidance is that changing an acceptance to a decline is reserved for serious reasons such as illness or injury, a death in the family, or an unavoidable work obligation, and that you should [contact the hosts right away](https://emilypost.com/advice/invitation-etiquette) by phone. For the full rules on reply cards, “regrets only” and digital invitations, see our [RSVP etiquette guide](https://courteo.us/rsvp-etiquette/). ## Plus-ones and children Guest lists are shaped by budget, venue capacity and family politics you may never hear about. The invitation tells you who is invited; it is not a starting point for negotiation. ### Do - Bring a guest only if the invitation explicitly allows one - Ask the couple privately and once if something is genuinely unclear - Arrange childcare if children aren’t named on the invitation - Accept “adults only” or “no plus-ones” without comment ### Don’t - Write extra names on the reply card - Ask “Can I bring my new partner?” in a group chat - Show up with an unexpected child, even a baby, unless invited - Complain to other guests about who was or wasn’t invited ## Decoding the dress code When the couple specifies a dress code, follow it. When they don’t, the time of day, venue and formality of the invitation are your clues. Two near-universal guidelines in Western weddings: don’t wear white unless asked to, and don’t try to outshine the wedding party. At weddings rooted in other traditions, colors carry different meanings; for example, red is a celebratory bridal color in many South Asian and Chinese weddings, so guests often avoid it. If you’re unsure, ask a family member or check the wedding website. | Dress code | What to wear | |---|---| | White tie | The most formal: tailcoats and floor-length gowns. Rare. | | Black tie | Tuxedos or very dark suits with bow ties; floor-length gowns or elegant formal dresses. | | Black tie optional / formal | Dark suit and tie or tuxedo; formal dresses, dressy jumpsuits, or elegant separates. | | Cocktail / semi-formal | Suit (tie optional depending on setting); knee-length or midi dresses, dressy separates. | | Dressy casual / garden | Chinos or dress trousers with a jacket; sundresses or skirts. Plan for grass and heat. | | Casual | Neat, celebratory clothing. Still a step above what you’d wear on a weekend errand. | Common wedding dress codes and what they usually mean Practical considerations count as courtesy too: shoes you can stand in, a layer for evening, and modest clothing for religious ceremonies that require covered shoulders or heads. ## The gift A gift is customary whether or not you attend. Etiquette has never set a required amount; the right figure depends on your budget and how close you are to the couple. A few useful norms: - **Use the registry when there is one.** It tells you exactly what the couple needs and avoids duplicates. - **Cash is widely welcome.** Cash and honeymoon funds are increasingly common; Zola reports 27% of 2026 couples are adding cash funds to their registry. - **Send it ahead.** Shipping gifts to the couple’s home spares them hauling packages from the venue. If you bring a card with a check, give it to a designated person or put it in the card box, never loose on a table. - **Timing is flexible.** Gifts sent before the wedding or within a few months after are both fine. - **Keep track.** If you attend several weddings a year, a simple list helps. A free tracker such as [Giftwise, a gift idea tracker](https://allthingsn.com/apps/giftwise/), can keep ideas, budgets and what you gave in one place. Our [gift etiquette guide](https://courteo.us/gift-etiquette/) covers budgets, group gifts and cash in more detail. ## Phones and unplugged ceremonies Many couples now ask guests to put phones away during the ceremony so they can see faces, not screens, in their photos and so the professional photographer has a clear aisle. If you see a sign or hear an announcement, honor it completely: silence your phone and keep it out of sight until you’re told otherwise. Even without a request, a few habits help: never step into the aisle for a shot, keep your flash off, and don’t post photos of the couple before they have shared their own, especially of the dress or first look. Ask before posting other guests’ children. ## At the reception - **Arrive on time** for the ceremony, ideally 15 to 30 minutes early. If you’re late, wait for a pause and slip in at the back. - **Sit where you’re placed.** Seating charts are carefully negotiated. Don’t swap place cards. - **Greet the couple briefly.** They have dozens of people to see; congratulate them warmly and let them move on. - **Drink within your limits.** Open bars are a gift, not a challenge. - **Give toasts only when asked**, and keep them short, kind and free of embarrassing stories. - **Stay at least through the cake and the first dances** unless you’ve told the couple you need to leave early. > **Destination weddings** > Traveling for a wedding is a significant expense, and couples generally understand when guests decline. If you do go, your presence is a large part of your gift; a smaller present or a thoughtful card is entirely appropriate. ## After the wedding Couples are expected to send thank-you notes; the Emily Post Institute says [within three months of receiving a gift](https://emilypost.com/advice/wedding-thank-yous), and dismisses the old idea of a year’s grace period. As a guest, you don’t owe a note in return, but a short message after the day — “It was a beautiful wedding, thank you for including us” — is a lovely touch. If you took candid photos, sending them privately to the couple is often more welcome than posting them. Writing your own notes? Our [thank-you note templates](https://courteo.us/thank-you-notes/) include wording for wedding gifts and cash. ## Frequently asked questions **How soon should I RSVP to a wedding?** As soon as you know, and never after the reply-by date. The Emily Post Institute suggests replying within a day or two of receiving an invitation. Couples need final numbers to pay caterers and finish seating charts. **Can I bring a plus-one if the invitation doesn’t mention one?** No. The names on the envelope or invitation are the people invited. If you’re unsure, it’s fine to ask the couple privately, but accept the answer graciously either way. **How much should I spend on a wedding gift?** There is no fixed rule. Give what fits your budget and your relationship to the couple. A registry item at a price you’re comfortable with is always appropriate, and a heartfelt card is acceptable if money is tight. **Is it rude to take photos during the ceremony?** If the couple has asked for an unplugged ceremony, yes: keep your phone away until the officiant or couple says otherwise. Even without a request, avoid blocking aisles or the professional photographer. **Do I need to give a gift if I can’t attend?** It’s customary but not mandatory to send a gift if you decline. A warm card with congratulations is always appropriate. ## Sources - [Zola — The First Look Report 2026](https://www.zola.com/expert-advice/the-first-look-report) - [Emily Post Institute — Invitation Etiquette](https://emilypost.com/advice/invitation-etiquette) - [Emily Post Institute — How Do I RSVP?](https://emilypost.com/advice/how-do-i-rsvp) - [Emily Post Institute — Wedding Thank-Yous](https://emilypost.com/advice/wedding-thank-yous) --- Courteous (courteo.us) — Modern manners, researched. Markdown version of https://courteo.us/wedding-guest-etiquette/ ======================================================================== # How to write a thank-you note, with templates for every occasion > When to send a thank-you note, how soon, what to write, and ready-to-adapt templates for wedding gifts, cash, job interviews, hosts, sympathy support and kids. URL: https://courteo.us/thank-you-notes/ Published: 2026-10-20 Updated: 2026-10-20 Author: The Courteous Editors Topic: Life Events & Gifts The thank-you note is the most durable piece of etiquette there is, and for good reason: it takes five minutes, costs the price of a stamp, and is remembered far longer than either. Yet many of us put it off because we worry it will feel stiff or awkward. The research suggests that worry is misplaced. ## Why it matters more than you think In a 2018 study published in *Psychological Science*, Amit Kumar and Nicholas Epley asked people to write letters of gratitude and predict how recipients would react. Across their experiments, writers [underestimated how surprised and positive recipients would feel](https://www.chicagobooth.edu/media-relations-and-communications/press-releases/expressing-your-gratitude-is-more-powerful-than-you-think) and overestimated how awkward the recipients would find it. Writers also underestimated how warm and competent they would seem, a pattern that [held regardless of age or gender](https://www.bps.org.uk/research-digest/underestimating-power-gratitude). Thanks also ripples outward. In experiments by Adam Grant and Francesca Gino, [66% of people who had been thanked went on to help a second person, compared with 32% of those who hadn’t been](https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2013/03/the-power-of-thanks/). - **66% vs 32%** helped someone else after being thanked vs. not thanked [Grant & Gino, via Harvard Gazette](https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2013/03/the-power-of-thanks/) - **3 months** recommended window for wedding thank-you notes [Emily Post Institute](https://emilypost.com/advice/wedding-thank-yous) ## When a thank-you note is expected | Occasion | Expected? | Best format and timing | |---|---|---| | Wedding or shower gift | Yes | Handwritten, within three months of receiving the gift | | Gift received by mail | Yes | Note or call within a week or two, partly so the giver knows it arrived | | Job interview | Yes | Email the same day or within 24 hours; a mailed note can follow | | Being hosted for dinner or a weekend | Strongly encouraged | Note or message within a few days | | Sympathy flowers, meals, donations | Yes, when the family is ready | Short notes; family members can share the task | | Birthday gifts at a children’s party | Encouraged | Simple notes, ideally written or decorated by the child | | Small favors from friends | Optional | A text or quick message is fine | When to send a thank-you, and how ## The five-part structure Almost every good thank-you note follows the same shape. Once you know it, the blank card stops being intimidating. 1. **Greeting.** “Dear Aunt Mira,” — use the name you’d use in person. 2. **Specific thanks.** Name the gift or the kindness. “Thank you for the beautiful blue serving bowl.” 3. **Why it matters.** Say how you’ll use it or what it meant. This is the sentence that makes the note personal. 4. **Look ahead or back.** Mention the occasion, a shared memory, or the next time you’ll see them. 5. **Thanks again and sign-off.** “Thank you again for thinking of us. With love, Sam.” ### Do - Name the gift or act specifically - Write by hand for gifts and hospitality when you can - Keep it short: three to five sentences is plenty - Thank the effort even when the gift misses ### Don’t - Open with an apology for being late - Mention a dollar amount - Use one generic message for every guest - Add a request or news unrelated to the thanks ## Thank-you note templates Adapt these freely. The bracketed parts are where the personal details go, and the personal details are what make a note land. Prefer to fill in the blanks? The [thank-you note generator](https://courteo.us/thank-you-note-generator/) assembles any of these with your names, details and tone. ### Wedding gift > **Wedding or shower gift** > Dear [Names], > Thank you so much for the [gift]. We’ve already [used it / found the perfect spot for it] and think of you every time we [specific use]. It meant so much to have you with us on our wedding day, and [a memory: your toast, seeing you on the dance floor]. We can’t wait to have you over soon. > With love and thanks, [Names] ### Cash or a check > **Cash, check or gift card** > Dear [Name], > Thank you for your generous gift. We’re putting it toward [a specific plan: our first sofa / the honeymoon / a savings fund for the house], and we’ll think of you when [it arrives / we’re there]. Your kindness means a great deal to us. > Warmly, [Name] ### After a job interview > **Job interview (email, same day)** > Subject: Thank you — [Role] interview > Dear [Interviewer’s name], > Thank you for taking the time to speak with me today about the [Role] position. I especially enjoyed our conversation about [specific topic], and it reinforced my interest in [team or goal]. [One sentence connecting your experience to a need they mentioned.] Please let me know if I can provide anything further. > Best regards, [Your name] ### After being hosted > **Dinner party or weekend stay** > Dear [Host], > Thank you for a wonderful [evening / weekend]. The [dish, walk, conversation] was a highlight, and it was so good to [meet your friends / catch up properly]. We left feeling completely spoiled. We’d love to return the favor soon. > With thanks, [Name] ### Thanking people who supported you through a loss > **Sympathy acknowledgment** > Dear [Name], > Thank you for [the flowers / the meal / your kind words about Dad]. It meant a great deal to our family to know you were thinking of us. [Optional: Your story about him on the fishing trip made us all smile.] > With gratitude, [Name] Families in mourning should feel no pressure to write quickly or at length; a single line is enough, and other relatives can help. See our [condolence etiquette guide](https://courteo.us/condolence-etiquette/) for more. ### A child’s birthday > **Written by (or with) a child** > Dear [Friend], > Thank you for coming to my party and for the [gift]! I [played with it all afternoon / have read it twice already]. My favorite part of the party was [moment]. > From, [Child’s name] Younger children can draw a picture and sign their name while a parent writes the message. The habit matters more than the penmanship; our guide to [teaching kids manners](https://courteo.us/kids-manners/) has more ideas. ### A thank-you for a favor or mentoring > **Professional favor or reference** > Dear [Name], > Thank you for [writing a reference / introducing me to X / your advice on Y]. Because of your help, [concrete outcome]. I’m grateful for the time you gave, and I hope I can return the favor. > All the best, [Name] ## Paper or digital? A handwritten card remains the gold standard for gifts, hospitality and sympathy, because the effort is part of the message. Email is right when speed matters, as after a job interview, or in a workplace where everything happens online. A text is perfect for small, everyday thanks. The worst option is the note never sent: if a handwritten card would take you weeks, a sincere email this week is better. > **Make it easy on yourself** > Keep a box of plain cards and stamps where you open mail, and log gifts as they arrive (who, what, when). After a wedding or shower, writing five notes a night clears the stack quickly. ## Frequently asked questions **Is an email or text thank-you acceptable?** For casual favors, a quick text or email is fine. For gifts, hospitality, job interviews and condolences, a handwritten note is warmer and still expected by many people. When speed matters, as after an interview, send an email the same day. **How long after a wedding do couples have to send thank-you notes?** The Emily Post Institute recommends sending wedding thank-you notes within three months of receiving each gift. The idea that couples have a full year is a myth. **Do I need to send a thank-you note if I thanked someone in person?** For a gift opened in front of the giver, an in-person thank-you is often enough, but a note is never wrong and is expected for wedding and shower gifts. For hospitality, a short note or message afterward is a kind follow-up. **Should I mention the amount of a cash gift?** No. Thank the giver for their generosity and say how you plan to use the money, without naming the figure. **Is it too late to send a thank-you note?** Almost never. A late note with a brief apology is far better than none. ## Sources - [Emily Post Institute — Wedding Thank-Yous](https://emilypost.com/advice/wedding-thank-yous) - [Chicago Booth — Expressing your gratitude is more powerful than you think (Kumar & Epley, 2018)](https://www.chicagobooth.edu/media-relations-and-communications/press-releases/expressing-your-gratitude-is-more-powerful-than-you-think) - [UChicago News — People underestimate the value of sending letters of appreciation](https://news.uchicago.edu/story/people-underestimate-value-sending-letters-appreciation) - [British Psychological Society Research Digest — Underestimating the power of gratitude](https://www.bps.org.uk/research-digest/underestimating-power-gratitude) - [Harvard Gazette — The power of thanks (Grant & Gino)](https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2013/03/the-power-of-thanks/) --- Courteous (courteo.us) — Modern manners, researched. Markdown version of https://courteo.us/thank-you-notes/ ======================================================================== # Gift etiquette: how to give (and receive) gracefully > Practical gift etiquette: budgets, registries, cash and gift cards, gift receipts, regifting, office gifts, and receiving a gift you don’t love. URL: https://courteo.us/gift-etiquette/ Published: 2026-10-20 Updated: 2026-10-20 Author: The Courteous Editors Topic: Life Events & Gifts Gift-giving etiquette exists to protect the point of a gift: to tell someone they are thought of. Most gift anxiety comes from treating the present as a test of taste or a measure of affection in dollars. It is neither. The guidelines below are about keeping gifts proportionate, thoughtful and easy to receive. ## The core principles - **Fit the relationship.** A gift should match how close you are. An extravagant present from a casual acquaintance can create discomfort or a sense of obligation. - **Fit your budget.** No etiquette authority expects anyone to overspend. A modest, well-chosen gift is better than an expensive one that strains you. - **Think about the recipient, not the giver.** Choose something they will use or enjoy, not something you’d like them to like. - **Make it easy to receive.** Include a gift receipt, avoid gifts that come with obligations (a pet, a large framed photo of yourself), and never expect a gift in return. ## Setting a budget There is no universal price list for gifts, and you should be wary of anyone who claims one. A reasonable approach is to set an annual gift budget, then divide it by occasion and relationship. The table below suggests how to think about it, not what to spend. | Relationship | Typical approach | |---|---| | Partner, children, parents | Your largest gifts; personal and often planned well ahead | | Close friends and siblings | Thoughtful gifts, or a shared experience; many friend groups agree on a spending cap | | Extended family | Modest gifts, a family gift exchange, or gifts only for children | | Coworkers | Small, impersonal gifts or a group gift; consider an office exchange with a set limit | | Hosts | A small token: flowers (in a vase), a treat for the next morning, a good bottle if they drink | | Service providers | Often cash or a gift card at the holidays; see our [holiday tipping guide](https://courteo.us/holiday-tipping/) | Matching the gift to the relationship If you buy for many people, a running list saves money and last-minute panic. A simple tool like [Giftwise, a free gift idea tracker](https://allthingsn.com/apps/giftwise/), lets you jot down ideas when someone mentions something they’d love, then check them off when you buy. ## Registries and wish lists Registries can feel transactional, but they exist to help guests. A couple or parent-to-be who registers is telling you exactly what they need, which spares them duplicates and returns. ### Do - Buy from the registry if there is one - Choose an item that fits your budget, even a small one - Ship gifts directly to the recipient’s address - Add a personal card, even for registry purchases ### Don’t - Mention a registry on an invitation for anything but a shower (put it on the website instead) - Buy off-registry duplicates of registry items - Feel you must spend more than you can afford - Criticize what someone registered for Families increasingly keep year-round wish lists, which take the guesswork out of birthdays and holidays. If you want one place to keep yours (and watch prices), [Wishvault, a wishlist with price targets](https://allthingsn.com/apps/wishvault/), is free and works offline. Sharing a wish list when someone asks for ideas is entirely gracious; volunteering one unprompted is not. ## Cash and gift cards Cash has shed much of its old reputation as impersonal. It is the traditional gift at many weddings and cultural celebrations, and couples increasingly ask for it: Zola reports that [27% of couples marrying in 2026 are adding cash funds to their registry](https://www.zola.com/expert-advice/the-first-look-report), up from 16% the year before. - **Present it nicely.** Put cash or a check in a card with a handwritten message. - **Give it purpose.** “For your first trip together” or “Toward the new bike” makes cash feel personal. - **Choose gift cards the recipient will use.** A card for a store they love is thoughtful; a card for a place they’d never go is a chore. - **Mind the rules for some workers.** Some jobs restrict gifts. For example, USPS mail carriers may accept only gifts worth $20 or less and no cash or gift cards, as the Emily Post Institute [notes in its holiday guide](https://emilypost.com/advice/holiday-tipping-guide). On the receiving end, gift cards are easy to lose track of. Note the balance when you receive one, or keep them in a tracker such as [Cardkeep, a gift card balance tracker](https://allthingsn.com/apps/cardkeep/), so a kind gift doesn’t expire in a drawer. ## Gift receipts and returns Include a gift receipt whenever the store offers one, especially for clothing, shoes and home goods. It tells the recipient that their happiness matters more than the specific item. As a recipient, exchanging a gift quietly is fine; there’s no need to tell the giver unless they ask, and if they do, be honest and kind: “It didn’t quite fit, so I exchanged it for one in a larger size — I love it.” ## Regifting Regifting is acceptable when it serves the new recipient, not when it simply clears your closet. Follow these rules: - The item is new, unused and in its original packaging. - It suits the new recipient’s tastes, not just the occasion. - The original giver and their circle won’t encounter it. - You’ve removed old tags, cards and inscriptions. - It wasn’t handmade or personalized for you. Donating gifts you won’t use is another good option. ## Gifts at work Workplace gifts carry extra risk because they mix personal generosity with professional relationships. The long-standing guideline is that gifts go down the organization chart, not up: managers may give team members small gifts, but employees aren’t expected to buy for their boss. Group gifts from a team, with contributions kept anonymous and optional, avoid putting anyone on the spot. Check your employer’s policy, especially in government, health care and sales roles, where rules on gifts are often strict. More in our [workplace etiquette guide](https://courteo.us/workplace-etiquette/). ## Cards: the gift that’s always enough Cards remain a remarkably durable custom. Americans buy roughly 6.5 billion greeting cards a year, according to Greeting Card Association figures [reported by USPS](https://news.usps.com/2019/09/26/facts-on-paper/). When money is tight or a gift would be awkward, a card with a few genuine sentences is always appropriate, and often kept longer than the gift. ## Receiving gifts gracefully - Open gifts in front of the giver when that’s the custom, and thank them right away. - Thank the thought, especially if the item misses: “You remembered I’ve been wanting to learn to paint.” - Don’t compare gifts aloud or mention prices. - Follow up with a note for anything mailed, and for wedding, shower and graduation gifts. Our [thank-you note templates](https://courteo.us/thank-you-notes/) make it quick. > **Cultural note** > Gift customs vary: in some cultures gifts are opened later rather than in front of the giver, certain numbers or colors carry meaning, and gifts are offered and received with both hands. When giving across cultures, see our [cultural etiquette guide](https://courteo.us/cultural-etiquette-by-country/). ## Frequently asked questions **Is it rude to give cash as a gift?** Not for most occasions. Cash and checks are customary for weddings, graduations and many cultural celebrations, and couples increasingly ask for them. Present cash in a card, and for close friends and family add a personal note about what you hope it brings. **Is regifting ever okay?** Yes, if the item is new, unused, genuinely suited to the recipient, and unlikely to be recognized by the original giver or anyone in their circle. Remove old tags and cards. **Should I include a gift receipt?** Usually, yes, especially for clothing, home goods and anything with sizes or colors. A gift receipt hides the price and signals that you care more about the person being happy than about the item itself. **Do I have to buy a gift for my boss?** No. The traditional guidance is that gifts flow down the organization chart, not up. If coworkers want to recognize a manager, a group card or a modest group gift is the safest choice. **What do I say when I don’t like a gift?** Thank the giver for their thoughtfulness rather than praising the object: “How thoughtful of you to remember I love to cook.” That is honest and kind. ## Sources - [Zola — The First Look Report 2026](https://www.zola.com/expert-advice/the-first-look-report) - [USPS News — Facts on paper: greeting card statistics (citing the Greeting Card Association)](https://news.usps.com/2019/09/26/facts-on-paper/) - [Emily Post Institute — Holiday Tipping Guide (USPS gift limits)](https://emilypost.com/advice/holiday-tipping-guide) --- Courteous (courteo.us) — Modern manners, researched. Markdown version of https://courteo.us/gift-etiquette/ ======================================================================== # Condolence etiquette: what to say, write and do when someone is grieving > What to say (and avoid) when someone dies, sympathy card wording, funeral etiquette, bringing food, and how to keep showing up in the weeks after. URL: https://courteo.us/condolence-etiquette/ Published: 2026-10-20 Updated: 2026-10-20 Author: The Courteous Editors Topic: Life Events & Gifts Few situations make people more anxious about saying the wrong thing than a death. The result is that many people say nothing at all, which hurts more than any clumsy sentence. The single most important rule of condolence etiquette is this: acknowledge the loss. Everything else is detail. The urge to send something in writing is widespread. Sympathy cards are the second most-purchased type of greeting card in the US, after birthday cards, according to Greeting Card Association figures [reported by USPS](https://news.usps.com/2019/09/26/facts-on-paper/). ## What to say Good condolences are short, specific and about the person who died or the person grieving, not about you. You don’t have to explain the loss or offer a solution. ### Helpful to say - “I’m so sorry about [name].” - “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here.” - “I’ll always remember how [name] [specific memory].” - “You don’t have to reply. Just know I’m thinking of you.” - “I’m bringing dinner Thursday — is 6 o’clock okay?” ### Best avoided - “Everything happens for a reason.” - “At least they lived a long life” (or any sentence beginning “at least”) - “I know exactly how you feel.” - “They’re in a better place,” unless you know the family shares that belief - “Let me know if you need anything” on its own The problem with “let me know if you need anything” is that it hands the grieving person a job: figuring out what to ask for. Offer something concrete instead, and make it easy to say no. ## Sympathy card wording A sympathy card needs only two or three sentences. Use the name of the person who died, and if you knew them, share a memory; families often reread cards for years, and stories about their loved one are the part they treasure. > **If you knew the person** > Dear [Name], > I was so sorry to hear about your father. I’ll always remember how he [specific memory: taught our whole street to fly kites / greeted everyone at church by name]. He was a wonderful man, and I’m thinking of you and your family. > With love, [Your name] > **If you didn’t know the person** > Dear [Name], > I was so sorry to learn of your mother’s death. I know how much she meant to you from the way you spoke about her. Please know I’m holding you in my thoughts. > Warmly, [Your name] > **From a coworker or manager** > Dear [Name], > All of us on the team are so sorry for your loss. Please take whatever time you need, and don’t give work a second thought; we’ve got things covered. We’re thinking of you. > [Names] > **A short text or message** > I just heard about [name]. I’m so sorry. No need to reply — I’m thinking of you and will check in next week. > **Weeks or months later** > Dear [Name], I’ve been thinking of you and [name] this month. I imagine the quiet after the funeral is hard. I’d love to take you for a walk or a coffee whenever you feel up to it. ## Visitations, funerals and memorials Services vary enormously by faith, culture and family preference, so look for guidance in the obituary or ask a friend of the family. Some general guidelines: - **Follow the family’s instructions** on attendance, flowers (“in lieu of flowers, donations to…”), and dress. - **Arrive early** and silence your phone completely. Don’t take photos unless the family invites it. - **Dress conservatively** unless asked to wear a color or casual clothes; some traditions and celebrations of life request specific colors. - **Keep receiving-line conversation brief.** A handshake or hug and “I’m so sorry, I worked with Ana for ten years” is perfect. - **Sign the guest book** with your full name and how you knew the person, so the family can identify you later. - **Attend even if you feel peripheral.** Families often remember who came. If you’re unfamiliar with the tradition, it is perfectly polite to ask a family friend what to expect, whether shoes come off at the door, whether to bring food, or whether you should arrive for the whole service. ## Bringing food and practical help Food is one of the oldest forms of condolence, and still one of the most useful, because grieving households often have visitors to feed and no energy to cook. - **Coordinate.** Ask whether someone is organizing a meal schedule so the family doesn’t receive five lasagnas on one day. - **Ask about allergies and diets** before you cook. Our guide to [cooking for dietary restrictions](https://courteo.us/dietary-restrictions-allergies/) explains what to ask. - **Bring food that keeps.** Soups, stews, grain salads and casseroles that freeze well are ideal. If you need ideas, the [recipe collection at PantryRx](https://pantryrx.ai/recipes/) has hearty, home-style dishes you can make ahead. - **Use disposable containers** or label yours clearly so no one has to return dishes. - **Write reheating instructions** on the lid. - **Drop off, don’t stay**, unless invited in. Practical help can matter as much as food: walking the dog, collecting relatives from the airport, mowing the lawn, picking up children from school. When a parent dies, adult siblings often face months of shared logistics; dividing the work fairly helps families stay close, as this guide to [sharing caregiving between siblings without resentment](https://allthingsn.com/blogs/how-to-share-caregiving-between-siblings/) explains. ## Flowers, donations and gifts If the family requests donations to a charity in lieu of flowers, honor that request. The charity typically notifies the family of gifts made in their loved one’s memory. Flowers are usually sent to the funeral home or service; a plant or small arrangement sent to the home is also customary. Don’t feel you must spend money: a heartfelt card is a complete and appropriate condolence. ## After the funeral: keep showing up The weeks after a funeral are often the loneliest. Visitors stop coming, but the grief does not stop. This is where a friend’s consistency counts most. - Put a reminder in your calendar to check in at one week, one month and three months. - Mark the first birthday, holiday and anniversary of the death; a short message on those days means a great deal. - Keep saying the person’s name. Many grieving people fear their loved one will be forgotten. - Invite them to things, and understand if they decline. > **For the bereaved** > If you’re the one grieving, you don’t owe anyone a quick response. Thank-you notes for flowers, food and donations are customary but can wait, and family members can share the task. A single line is enough. Our [thank-you note guide](https://courteo.us/thank-you-notes/) includes simple wording. ## Frequently asked questions **What is the best thing to say to someone who is grieving?** Something short and sincere: “I’m so sorry about your mom,” “I’m thinking of you,” or “I loved her laugh.” Naming the person who died and sharing a memory usually means more than any general phrase. **Is it okay to send a condolence text?** A text is fine as a first message, especially from coworkers or friends you usually text. For closer relationships, follow up with a card, a call or a visit. **Is it too late to send a sympathy card?** No. Cards that arrive weeks or months later are often especially meaningful, because most support fades after the funeral. **What should I wear to a funeral?** Unless the family requests otherwise, wear conservative, darker clothing. Some families and traditions request specific colors, such as white in some Hindu and Buddhist customs, or bright colors for a celebration of life; follow the family’s lead. **Should I go to the funeral if I didn’t know the person well?** If you know a family member, attending to support them is usually appreciated, especially at visitations and memorial services. Follow any request for a private service. ## Sources - [USPS News — Facts on paper: greeting card statistics (citing the Greeting Card Association)](https://news.usps.com/2019/09/26/facts-on-paper/) --- Courteous (courteo.us) — Modern manners, researched. Markdown version of https://courteo.us/condolence-etiquette/ ======================================================================== # How much to tip: a US tipping guide for 2026 > Customary US tips for restaurants, bars, delivery, rideshare, salons, hotels and more, what 2025 surveys say people actually tip, and how to handle tip screens. URL: https://courteo.us/tipping-guide/ Published: 2026-10-20 Updated: 2026-10-20 Author: The Courteous Editors Topic: Tipping & Service Tipping in the United States works differently from most of the world. In many restaurants and bars the tip is not a bonus; it is a large part of the server’s pay. Federal law lets employers pay tipped workers a cash wage as low as $2.13 an hour and count tips toward the rest of the minimum wage ([29 CFR Part 531](https://www.ecfr.gov/current/title-29/subtitle-B/chapter-V/subchapter-B/part-531); a “tipped employee” is someone who customarily receives more than $30 a month in tips under [29 U.S.C. § 203](https://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/text/29/203)). Many states require more, but the custom of tipping grew up around that structure. At the same time, tip prompts have spread to places that never used to ask. Americans have noticed: in Pew Research Center’s 2023 survey, [72% of adults said tipping is expected in more places than it was five years earlier](https://www.pewresearch.org/2023/11/09/tipping-culture-in-america-public-sees-a-changed-landscape/), and only about a third found it easy to know whether or how much to tip. - **72%** say tipping is expected in more places than five years ago [Pew, 2023](https://www.pewresearch.org/2023/11/09/tipping-culture-in-america-public-sees-a-changed-landscape/) - **70%** always tip servers at sit-down restaurants [Bankrate, 2025](https://www.bankrate.com/personal-finance/tipping-survey/) - **41%** say tipping culture has gotten out of control [Bankrate, 2025](https://www.bankrate.com/press-releases/63-of-americans-have-a-negative-view-about-tipping-with-41-saying-tipping-culture-has-gotten-out-of-control/) - **38%** are annoyed by pre-entered tip screens [Bankrate, 2025](https://www.bankrate.com/press-releases/63-of-americans-have-a-negative-view-about-tipping-with-41-saying-tipping-culture-has-gotten-out-of-control/) ## The quick answer: customary US tips by service These ranges reflect long-standing US etiquette guidance, including the [Emily Post Institute’s tipping guide](https://emilypost.com/advice/general-tipping-guide). Treat them as defaults for good service; local norms in expensive cities can run higher. To apply them to a real bill, split among friends, use our [tip calculator](https://courteo.us/tip-calculator/). | Service | Customary tip | Notes | |---|---|---| | Sit-down restaurant | 15–20% of the pre-tax bill | The server’s wage often depends on it. Tip on the full value if you used a coupon or comp. | | Buffet | About 10% | For the staff who clear plates and refill drinks. | | Bartender | $1–2 per drink, or 15–20% of the tab | Tip per round if you pay as you go. | | Food delivery | 10–15%, minimum a few dollars | More for bad weather, long distances or large orders. | | Takeout, coffee, counter service | Optional | A small tip for complex or large orders is gracious, not required. | | Taxi or rideshare | 15–20% | Add a little for help with luggage. | | Hair stylist or barber | 15–20% | Assistants who wash hair can receive a few dollars separately. | | Hotel housekeeping | $2–5 per night | Leave it daily with a note, since staff may change. | | Valet | $2–5 | Usually when your car is returned. | | Hotel bellhop or porter | A few dollars per bag | More for heavy or awkward items. | | Movers | Varies by job | Cold drinks plus a per-person cash tip for a long or difficult move is customary. | Customary tips in the United States, October 2026 ## What Americans actually tip Etiquette guidance and actual behavior don’t always match, and the gap is worth knowing about so you can set your own policy with open eyes. ### Restaurants Sit-down dining is still the place where tipping is near-universal. Pew found that [92% of adults always or often tip at a sit-down restaurant](https://www.pewresearch.org/2023/11/09/tipping-culture-in-america-public-sees-a-changed-landscape/). Bankrate’s 2025 survey, which asks a stricter question, found [70% always tip their server](https://www.bankrate.com/personal-finance/tipping-survey/), up from 65% in 2023 but below the 75% recorded in 2021. The amount is where people split. In Pew’s data, 57% said they would leave 15% or less for an average meal, while about a quarter would leave 20% or more. Bankrate found that 35% of diners typically tip 20% or more, with a steep generational gradient: 16% of Gen Z versus 49% of baby boomers. ### Everywhere else | Service | Always or often tip | |---|---| | Sit-down restaurant | 92% | | Haircut | 78% | | Food delivery | 76% | | Drink at a bar | 70% | | Taxi or rideshare | 61% | | Coffee | 25% | | Fast casual restaurant | 12% | Share of U.S. adults who “always or often” tip, by service (Pew Research Center, 2023) Source: [Pew Research Center, survey of 11,945 U.S. adults, August 2023](https://www.pewresearch.org/2023/11/09/tipping-culture-in-america-public-sees-a-changed-landscape/). ## How to handle the tip screen The swiveling tablet is the single biggest source of tipping anxiety. According to Bankrate, [38% of Americans are annoyed by pre-entered tip screens](https://www.bankrate.com/press-releases/63-of-americans-have-a-negative-view-about-tipping-with-41-saying-tipping-culture-has-gotten-out-of-control/), and 27% say they tip less or not at all when they see one, while 11% say the screen makes them tip more. A few principles make the moment painless: - **Decide in advance.** Set a personal policy for counter service (for example, “I tip on complicated orders and when someone goes out of their way”) so the screen doesn’t make the decision for you. - **Know that “No tip” is legitimate.** At a counter where you order, wait and carry your own food, a tip is a kindness, not an obligation. - **Use Custom freely.** Preset buttons are only suggestions; entering your own amount is perfectly polite. - **Don’t over-explain.** Staff see hundreds of choices a day. A warm “thank you” matters more than the button you press. - **Tip in cash when you can.** It reaches the worker directly and quickly. ### Do - Tip on the pre-discount value when using a coupon or gift card - Tip more for large parties, special requests or long stays at the table - Speak to a manager about poor service rather than “punishing” with a zero tip - Check whether a service charge is already included ### Don’t - Leave a server nothing because the kitchen was slow - Make a show of tipping or of not tipping - Assume a “service fee” goes to staff; ask if it matters to you - Let embarrassment push you to an amount you resent ## Special situations ### Large groups and splitting the bill Many restaurants add an automatic gratuity for parties of six or more. If they don’t, aim for the upper end of the range: large tables take more work. When splitting a check, agree on the tip before the cards come out so no one is left covering a shortfall. ### Poor service Etiquette guides generally advise against withholding a tip entirely at a sit-down restaurant, because the problem is often outside the server’s control. Leave a reduced tip and mention specific problems to a manager; that is more likely to fix things than silence. ### Tips for people who work in tipped jobs If you’re on the receiving end, two practical notes. First, many restaurants pool tips among front- and back-of-house staff; the free [tip pool calculator from All Things AI](https://allthingsn.com/tools/tip-pool-calculator/) splits a pool by hours, points or equally, to the cent. Second, a federal deduction for qualified tips now applies: the IRS says eligible workers can deduct [up to $25,000 of qualified tips per year for tax years 2025 through 2028](https://www.irs.gov/newsroom/one-big-beautiful-bill-act-tax-deductions-for-working-americans-and-seniors), with phase-outs at higher incomes. Check the IRS guidance or a tax professional for your situation. ## Gratuity included vs. service charge Three phrases on a bill mean different things: - **Gratuity included** — the tip has been added. No more is expected. - **Service charge** — a mandatory fee. It may or may not be distributed to staff; ask if you want to know. - **Suggested tip** — a calculation printed for convenience. Check which total it was calculated on. > **The underlying principle** > In the US, tipping is how many service workers are paid. When in doubt at a table-service restaurant, tip within the customary range. At a counter, tip when someone has done something extra for you — and never feel guilty for choosing a lower amount honestly. Traveling? Tipping customs abroad can be the opposite of home; see our guide to [tipping in other countries](https://courteo.us/tipping-abroad/). For year-end gratuities to the people who help you all year, read our [holiday tipping guide](https://courteo.us/holiday-tipping/). ## Frequently asked questions **Do you tip on the pre-tax or post-tax total?** Etiquette guides such as the Emily Post Institute suggest calculating the tip on the pre-tax amount. Tipping on the full total is a small, generous rounding-up and is never wrong. **Is 15% still acceptable at a sit-down restaurant?** Yes. 15% to 20% of the pre-tax bill is the customary range for good table service. In Pew's 2023 survey, a majority of adults said they would tip 15% or less for an average meal, while about a quarter would tip 20% or more. **Do I have to tip when a screen asks me to?** No. At a counter where you order and pick up yourself, a tip is optional. Choosing 'No tip' or 'Custom' is acceptable; if staff went out of their way, a small tip is a kind gesture. Be consistent rather than letting the screen decide for you. **Should I tip if there is already a service charge?** Read the bill. If a service charge or gratuity is already included, an additional tip is not expected, though you can add a little for exceptional service. Ask staff whether the service charge goes to the people who served you if you are unsure. **Is it rude to tip in cash rather than on a card?** No. Many service workers appreciate cash because they receive it immediately. Either is perfectly polite. ## Sources - [Pew Research Center — Tipping Culture in America: Public Sees a Changed Landscape (Nov. 2023)](https://www.pewresearch.org/2023/11/09/tipping-culture-in-america-public-sees-a-changed-landscape/) - [Bankrate — Tipping survey 2025 (YouGov, 2,277 U.S. adults, April 2025)](https://www.bankrate.com/personal-finance/tipping-survey/) - [Bankrate — Press release: 63% of Americans have a negative view about tipping (June 2025)](https://www.bankrate.com/press-releases/63-of-americans-have-a-negative-view-about-tipping-with-41-saying-tipping-culture-has-gotten-out-of-control/) - [Emily Post Institute — General Tipping Guide](https://emilypost.com/advice/general-tipping-guide) - [eCFR — 29 CFR Part 531 (tip credit and $2.13 cash wage)](https://www.ecfr.gov/current/title-29/subtitle-B/chapter-V/subchapter-B/part-531) - [Cornell LII — 29 U.S. Code § 203 (definition of tipped employee)](https://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/text/29/203) - [IRS — One Big Beautiful Bill Act: tax deductions for working Americans and seniors](https://www.irs.gov/newsroom/one-big-beautiful-bill-act-tax-deductions-for-working-americans-and-seniors) --- Courteous (courteo.us) — Modern manners, researched. Markdown version of https://courteo.us/tipping-guide/ ======================================================================== # Holiday tipping: who to thank at year’s end, and how much > Who to tip at the holidays and how much: housekeepers, sitters, teachers, mail carriers, trash collectors and more, with 2025 survey data and gift rules. URL: https://courteo.us/holiday-tipping/ Published: 2026-10-20 Updated: 2026-10-20 Author: The Courteous Editors Topic: Tipping & Service Holiday tipping is the one season when etiquette asks us to look back at the whole year and thank the people who quietly made it work: the sitter who stayed late, the housekeeper who knows where everything goes, the building staff who signed for a hundred packages. It is also one of the most confusing customs, because the expected amount depends on the relationship, how often you see the person, and how much you already tip along the way. The good news is that holiday tips are flexible. They are gestures of appreciation rather than payment for a specific service, and a modest amount with a sincere note is always appropriate. - **56%** plan to tip a housekeeper at the holidays [Bankrate, 2025](https://www.bankrate.com/credit-cards/news/holiday-tipping-survey/) - **47%** plan to tip a childcare provider (down from 55%) [Bankrate, 2025](https://www.bankrate.com/credit-cards/news/holiday-tipping-survey/) - **27%** plan to give something to their mail carrier [Bankrate, 2025](https://www.bankrate.com/credit-cards/news/holiday-tipping-survey/) - **38%** often feel obligated to tip regardless of service [Bankrate, 2025](https://www.bankrate.com/credit-cards/news/holiday-tipping-survey/) ## Who to tip, and how much The ranges below follow the [Emily Post Institute’s holiday tipping guide](https://emilypost.com/advice/holiday-tipping-guide), a widely used reference. Emily Post frames most amounts as “up to,” so treat them as a ceiling for people you see often rather than a floor for everyone; your budget and how long you have known someone both matter. | Who | Customary year-end gift | Notes | |---|---|---| | Regular babysitter | Up to one evening’s pay, plus a small gift from your child | A drawing or card from the kids is often the part they keep. | | Housekeeper or cleaner | Up to one week’s pay | Scale down if they come less often than weekly. | | Live-in nanny or au pair | Up to one week’s pay, plus a gift from your child | Live-in help such as a cook or housekeeper may receive one week to one month of pay. | | Day care staff | A gift, or $25–70 for each staff member who works with your child | Check the center’s gift policy first. | | Doorman | $15–80, or a gift | $15 or more each when there are several. | | Superintendent | $20–80, or a gift | More if they handle frequent repairs for you. | | Trash and recycling collectors | $10–30 each | Check local rules first; some municipalities restrict cash gifts. | | Mail carrier (USPS) | A gift clearly worth $20 or less, no cash | Postal rules; see the box below. | | Package deliverer | A small gift in the $20 range | Private carriers set their own policies. | | Barber or salon staff | Up to the cost of one visit, or a gift | At a salon, divide among the people who work on you. | | Yard or garden workers | $20–50 each | Hand it to the crew lead with a note if you don’t see everyone. | | Dog walker | Up to one week’s pay, or a gift | Treats for the pet are a nice touch, not a substitute. | | Personal trainer, massage therapist, pet groomer | Up to the cost of one session, or a gift | Optional if you already tip well each visit. | | Teachers | A small gift, class gift or note | Not covered by the Emily Post list; many schools set gift limits. | Customary holiday tips and gifts in the U.S. > **The mail carrier rule** > As the [Emily Post Institute explains](https://emilypost.com/advice/holiday-tipping-guide), U.S. Postal Service employees may accept only gifts clearly worth $20 or less, and never cash or gift cards. Homemade cookies, a small treat or a thank-you note are the courteous way to say thanks. Private couriers have their own policies. ## What other households are doing Bankrate’s 2025 holiday survey, fielded by YouGov with 2,445 U.S. adults in late October 2025, offers a useful reality check. The share of people planning to tip each kind of helper was: | Provider | Plan to tip | |---|---| | Housekeeper | 56% | | Childcare provider | 47% | | Teacher | 47% | | Landscaper | 37% | | Mail carrier | 27% | | Trash collector | 21% | Share of U.S. adults planning a holiday tip, by provider (Bankrate, 2025) Source: [Bankrate holiday tipping survey, December 2025](https://www.bankrate.com/credit-cards/news/holiday-tipping-survey/). Bankrate also reported that the share planning to tip childcare providers fell from 55% and teachers from 53% compared with the year before, and that median holiday tips for landscapers rose from $30 to $50 and for trash collectors from $20 to $25. The same survey found that 38% of Americans often feel obligated to tip regardless of the service. That pressure is worth naming: a holiday tip given out of genuine thanks lands better than one given grudgingly, and a heartfelt note costs nothing. ## How to give a holiday tip gracefully - **Make a list early.** Write down everyone who helps your household regularly, then set a total budget before assigning amounts. A simple tracker such as [Giftwise](https://allthingsn.com/apps/giftwise/) helps you remember who you thanked last year and what you gave. - **Use crisp cash in a card.** Cash is still the most practical gift for most service workers. Seal it in an envelope with a short, specific note. - **Give in person when you can.** Hand it over with a sentence of thanks. If schedules don’t line up, leave it somewhere safe and clearly labeled. - **Divide crew tips fairly.** For a team (landscapers, building staff), either give separate envelopes or hand one to the lead and say how it’s meant to be shared. - **Check employer rules.** Teachers, public employees and some hospital or care staff face gift limits. A note or a modest group gift avoids putting them in an awkward spot. - **Give before the holidays.** Early to mid-December reaches people before they travel or before their own holiday expenses peak. ## Sample wording for the card > **For a caregiver or sitter** > Dear Maya, thank you for everything you did for us this year, especially all the evenings you stayed late without complaint. The kids adore you, and we couldn’t do it without you. Wishing you a restful holiday. With gratitude, the Okafor family > **For building staff or a crew** > Thank you for keeping things running all year, from the packages to the snow. We notice and appreciate it. Happy holidays! Apartment 4B ## When money is tight Holiday tips are not a test of generosity. If the budget doesn’t stretch, prioritize the people you rely on most and haven’t otherwise tipped, such as a weekly housekeeper or a regular sitter. For everyone else, a sincere note or something homemade is entirely appropriate. Research on gratitude suggests people consistently underestimate how much a thank-you note means to the person receiving it; see our guide to [writing thank-you notes](https://courteo.us/thank-you-notes/). ### Do - Include a short personal note with every tip - Prioritize people you see often and don’t tip otherwise - Respect employer and postal gift rules - Give consistently from year to year where you can ### Don’t - Give cash or gift cards to a USPS carrier - Wrap money in a way that makes the amount awkward to discover in public - Skip someone one year without a word if you’ve always given - Treat a holiday tip as compensation for a problem; talk about that separately For everyday amounts throughout the year, see our main [US tipping guide](https://courteo.us/tipping-guide/), and for presents to friends and family, our [gift etiquette guide](https://courteo.us/gift-etiquette/). ## Frequently asked questions **Do I have to give a holiday tip if I already tip all year?** No. If you tip a service provider every visit (a hair stylist, for example), a year-end extra is a kind gesture rather than an obligation. Holiday tips matter most for people you don't tip regularly, such as a housekeeper, childcare provider or building staff. **Can I give my mail carrier cash or a gift card?** No. As the Emily Post Institute notes, U.S. Postal Service rules allow carriers to accept only gifts clearly worth $20 or less, and not cash or gift cards. A small treat or a thank-you note is ideal. **What if I can't afford holiday tips this year?** Give what you can and add a sincere handwritten note. A specific thank-you is remembered long after a small cash gift, and no reasonable person expects you to stretch a tight budget. **When should I give holiday tips?** Ideally in early to mid-December, before people travel or take time off. Cash in a card with a short personal note is the traditional and most appreciated format. ## Sources - [Bankrate — Holiday tipping survey 2025 (YouGov, 2,445 U.S. adults, Oct. 2025)](https://www.bankrate.com/credit-cards/news/holiday-tipping-survey/) - [Emily Post Institute — Holiday Tipping Guide](https://emilypost.com/advice/holiday-tipping-guide) --- Courteous (courteo.us) — Modern manners, researched. Markdown version of https://courteo.us/holiday-tipping/ ======================================================================== # Courteous customer-service phrases, for both sides of the counter > Polite phrases for customers and service staff: what to say instead of common irritants, how to complain politely, and templates for calls, chats and emails. URL: https://courteo.us/customer-service-phrases/ Published: 2026-10-20 Updated: 2026-10-20 Author: The Courteous Editors Topic: Tipping & Service Most service interactions take less than a minute, yet they shape a surprising amount of how a day feels. A curt exchange with a cashier or a call-center agent can sour an afternoon on both ends; a gracious one can rescue it. And many people sense things have gotten tenser. In a Pew Research Center survey conducted in November 2024, [47% of U.S. adults said people behave more rudely in public than before the pandemic](https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2025/03/12/almost-half-of-americans-say-people-have-gotten-ruder-since-the-covid-19-pandemic/), and 34% said they almost always or often see rude behavior in public. Service work absorbs a lot of that friction. Below are phrases that help, organized for customers and for the people serving them, plus scripts for the moments that go wrong. - **47%** say people are ruder in public than before the pandemic [Pew, 2025](https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2025/03/12/almost-half-of-americans-say-people-have-gotten-ruder-since-the-covid-19-pandemic/) - **1.34** uncivil acts per day seen or experienced by the average U.S. worker [SHRM, Q4 2024](https://shrm.org/about/press-room/incivility-reaches-record-high-with-political-viewpoint-differen) - **98%** of workers polled over 14 years had experienced incivility at work [HBR, 2013](https://hbr.org/2013/01/the-price-of-incivility) ## For customers: phrases that get better help You don’t need to be effusive. You need to be clear, specific and human. The person helping you usually has limited power over policy but a great deal of discretion over how hard they try. | Instead of… | Try… | Why it works | |---|---|---| | “I want to speak to your manager.” (opening line) | “I’m hoping you can help me with something.” | Gives the first person a chance to solve it; escalate later if needed. | | “This is ridiculous.” | “I’m frustrated, so let me explain what happened.” | Names the feeling without attacking the person. | | “You people always…” | “This is the second time this has happened to my order.” | Specific facts are actionable; generalizations aren’t. | | “Whatever, fine.” | “Okay. What would you suggest?” | Invites them to use their expertise. | | (Silence while on your phone) | “Hi, how’s your day going?” | Looking up and greeting someone is the simplest courtesy there is. | | “Thanks.” (on the way out) | “Thanks, Sam, that was really helpful.” | Specific thanks lands; see the research below. | What customers can say instead ### How to complain politely - **Lead with the facts.** What you ordered or booked, what happened, when. - **State the outcome you want.** A refund, a replacement, a callback, an apology. People can’t meet an expectation they don’t know. - **Separate the person from the policy.** “I know you didn’t set this rule, but…” keeps the helper on your side. - **Keep your voice level.** Firm is fine. Loud tends to end conversations, not resolve them. - **Write it down if it’s complicated.** A short email with dates and order numbers is easier to escalate than a recollection. - **Close graciously,** even if you didn’t get everything you wanted. > **A polite written complaint** > Hello, I’m writing about order #48213, delivered on October 14. Two of the five items were missing (the blue mug and the tea towels). I’ve attached a photo of the packing slip. Could you either send the missing items or refund $34 to my card? I’ve been a happy customer for years and would appreciate your help. Thank you, Priya Shah ## For staff: phrases that defuse and reassure If you work in service, you already know that the words you choose can turn down the temperature of a conversation. A few swaps that tend to help: | Instead of… | Try… | |---|---| | “That’s not my department.” | “The billing team handles that. Let me connect you and explain what’s happened so you don’t have to repeat it.” | | “I can’t do that.” | “Here’s what I can do…” | | “You’ll have to…” | “The quickest way to fix this is…” | | “Calm down.” | “I can see this has been really frustrating. Let’s sort it out.” | | “It’s policy.” | “I’m not able to change that rule, but let me see what options we have.” | | “No problem.” | “You’re welcome” or “My pleasure.” | | “Hang on.” | “May I put you on hold for about two minutes while I check?” | What service staff can say instead > **The apology that actually works** > A useful service apology has three parts: acknowledge what went wrong (“Your package arrived late”), take ownership on behalf of the business (“I’m sorry; that’s on us”), and say what happens next (“I’ve refunded the shipping and flagged your account for priority delivery”). Skip “sorry for any inconvenience,” which sounds like a form letter. ## On the phone and in chat Remote service loses tone of voice (in chat) or facial expression (on the phone), so small courtesies carry more weight. ### Do - Greet and give your name before the request - Have account numbers and details ready - Ask before putting someone on hold, and say how long - Summarize what was agreed before ending - Say thank you, even after a frustrating call ### Don’t - Type in all caps in a chat window - Carry on a side conversation while someone helps you - Take out frustration about the phone tree on the human who finally answers - Leave a long silence without explaining you’re checking something ## Why thanking people works Thank-yous aren’t just nice; they change behavior. In research by Adam Grant and Francesca Gino described by the [Harvard Gazette](https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2013/03/the-power-of-thanks/), 66% of people who had been thanked for their help went on to help a second person, compared with 32% of those who had not been thanked. Fundraisers who received a thank-you from their director made more than 50% more calls that week. The cost of the opposite is also measurable. Christine Porath and Christine Pearson found in their research, reported in [Harvard Business Review](https://hbr.org/2013/01/the-price-of-incivility), that about half of people who experience incivility at work deliberately decrease their effort. A rude customer may get worse service not out of spite but because rudeness drains the person trying to help. SHRM’s Civility Index for the fourth quarter of 2024 found U.S. workers saw or experienced an average of [1.34 uncivil acts per day](https://shrm.org/about/press-room/incivility-reaches-record-high-with-political-viewpoint-differen). For people who serve the public, a calm, polite customer is a genuine relief. ## Small phrases worth keeping - “Take your time.” - “I appreciate you looking into this.” - “That makes sense. Thanks for explaining.” - “Is there anything you need from me?” - “I’ll mention how helpful you were.” (Then actually leave the review or fill in the survey.) For the money side of service, see our [tipping guide](https://courteo.us/tipping-guide/). For the written version of a polite request, our [email etiquette guide](https://courteo.us/email-etiquette/) covers subject lines, tone and follow-ups. ## Frequently asked questions **How do I complain politely without being a pushover?** Be specific about what happened, say what outcome you want, and keep your tone calm. 'My order arrived missing two items; could you refund them or send replacements?' is firm and polite. Asking for a manager is fine if the first person can't help, as long as you don't blame them for the policy. **Is 'no problem' rude to say instead of 'you're welcome'?** Not rude, and many people use it warmly. In formal settings or with older customers, 'you're welcome' or 'my pleasure' can land better because they acknowledge the thanks rather than implying there might have been a problem. **What should staff say instead of 'that's not my job'?** Name who can help and offer to connect the customer: 'That's handled by our billing team; let me transfer you and explain what's happened so you don't have to repeat it.' **Should I thank a service worker by name?** If they're wearing a name tag or introduced themselves, using their name once in a thank-you is warm and appropriate. Don't overuse it, which can feel scripted. ## Sources - [Pew Research Center — Almost half of Americans say people have gotten ruder since the COVID-19 pandemic (Mar. 2025)](https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2025/03/12/almost-half-of-americans-say-people-have-gotten-ruder-since-the-covid-19-pandemic/) - [SHRM — Incivility reaches record high (Civility Index, Q4 2024)](https://shrm.org/about/press-room/incivility-reaches-record-high-with-political-viewpoint-differen) - [Harvard Business Review — Porath & Pearson, The Price of Incivility (2013)](https://hbr.org/2013/01/the-price-of-incivility) - [Harvard Gazette — The power of thanks (Grant & Gino research)](https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2013/03/the-power-of-thanks/) --- Courteous (courteo.us) — Modern manners, researched. Markdown version of https://courteo.us/customer-service-phrases/ ======================================================================== # Airplane etiquette: how to be a good seatmate > Airplane etiquette for reclining, armrests, overhead bins, boarding, kids and cabin noise, plus what surveys and FAA data say about bad behavior in the air. URL: https://courteo.us/airplane-etiquette/ Published: 2026-10-20 Updated: 2026-10-20 Author: The Courteous Editors Topic: Travel & Culture Air travel puts strangers closer together, for longer, than almost any other part of modern life. Nobody chose their seatmates, the space is fixed, and you can’t step outside to cool off. That makes small courtesies count for more than they do on the ground. Most people already know this. When Expedia commissioned a survey of 1,005 U.S. travelers, conducted by GfK, [rear-seat kicking topped the list of annoying behaviors, named by 64% of respondents](https://www.foxnews.com/travel/these-are-most-annoying-airplane-passengers-according-to-expedia.amp), followed by inattentive parents (59%), passengers with strong odors or heavy fragrance (55%), and loud or drunk passengers (49% each). Nearly every item on that list is within our own control. - **64%** named rear-seat kicking as the most annoying in-flight behavior [Expedia/GfK](https://www.foxnews.com/travel/these-are-most-annoying-airplane-passengers-according-to-expedia.amp) - **53%** of Americans say they recline their seat when flying [Expedia/GfK](https://www.foxnews.com/travel/these-are-most-annoying-airplane-passengers-according-to-expedia.amp) - **$43,658** maximum FAA proposed fine per violation for unruly passengers [FAA](https://www.faa.gov/unruly) - **5,981** unruly-passenger reports logged by the FAA in 2021, the record year [CNN/FAA data](https://kvia.com/entertainment/cnn-style/2022/01/13/2021-year-of-the-unruly-airline-passenger/) ## Boarding and the overhead bins Most friction starts before takeoff. Board when your group is called. Crowding the gate area early doesn’t get anyone on faster and makes it harder for people with earlier groups to get through. - **Have your boarding pass ready** before you reach the scanner, and step out of the aisle to sort out your bag and jacket. - **Use the bin near your own row.** Putting a bag in row 5 when you sit in row 28 means someone in row 5 checks theirs at the gate. - **Wheels in first, one bag per person.** Your personal item, the tote or backpack, goes under the seat in front of you. - **Offer a hand.** Helping a shorter or older passenger lift a bag is one of the kindest things you can do in an aisle. - **Don’t stall the aisle** while you settle in. Sit, then arrange headphones and snacks. ## Reclining: the most argued-about seat button Travelers are genuinely split. In the Expedia study, [53% said they recline when flying, while 35% said they dislike passengers who recline fully](https://www.foxnews.com/travel/these-are-most-annoying-airplane-passengers-according-to-expedia.amp). Both groups have a point. The seat reclines because the airline built it to, but the space behind you belongs to someone else. A reasonable compromise most etiquette guides land on: ### Do - Glance behind you before reclining, especially if they’re using a laptop - Recline slowly rather than dropping back all at once - Bring the seat upright during meal service - Recline on overnight and long-haul flights, when most of the cabin does ### Don’t - Slam back the instant the seatbelt sign goes off - Push, knee or kick the seat in front of you to protest a recline - Use the seatback in front as a handle when you stand up - Bargain angrily; ask a flight attendant if it really can’t be resolved ## Armrests, aisles and windows There is no official rule, but a convention has settled in that most frequent flyers recognize: **the middle seat gets both center armrests.** The person in the middle has the least space and no wall or aisle to lean into, so the armrests are the consolation prize. The window passenger controls the shade, and it’s polite to ask before raising it while others sleep. The aisle passenger gets easy access, and in exchange should get up promptly when a seatmate needs out. If you’re at the window, try to time your trips to the lavatory for when your row is already up. Climbing over a sleeping person is a last resort. ## Noise, screens and smells An airplane cabin is shared air and shared sound. Loud passengers bothered nearly half the Expedia respondents, so: - Use headphones for every video, game and voice message. No exceptions for “just a quick clip.” - Keep conversations at a volume your seatmate, not the row behind, can hear. - Skip strongly scented foods such as tuna, eggs or heavily spiced leftovers, and go light on perfume or cologne. - Keep shoes on unless your feet and socks are definitely fresh, and never put bare feet on armrests or bulkheads. - Dim your screen on night flights. Long flights are also when people go quiet to sleep off a time change. If you fly across many time zones, tools like the planners in All Things AI’s comparison of the [best jet lag apps](https://allthingsn.com/best/best-jet-lag-apps/) can help you decide when to sleep on board, which makes for a calmer cabin for everyone. ## Flying with children Babies cry on planes; that isn’t an etiquette failure. What fellow passengers notice is whether a parent is clearly trying. The “inattentive parenting” complaint in the Expedia survey is about adults, not toddlers. - Pack quiet entertainment, snacks and child-sized headphones. - Keep little feet off the seat in front. A seat-kicking child is the top complaint, and it’s usually fixable. - Walk an unsettled baby in the aisle when the seatbelt sign is off. - A brief, friendly word to neighbors (“we’ll do our best”) goes a long way. Goody bags for nearby passengers are optional. And if you’re seated near a family: a sympathetic smile costs nothing. For more on raising travelers who mind their manners, see our guide to [teaching kids manners](https://courteo.us/kids-manners/). ## Treat the crew with respect Flight attendants are there primarily for your safety. Follow instructions the first time, press the call button for real needs, and say thank you when you disembark. When disagreements escalate, the consequences are serious. The FAA notes that it [can propose up to $43,658 per violation in unruly-passenger cases](https://www.faa.gov/unruly), that one incident can result in multiple violations, and that unruly passengers can also face criminal prosecution. Reports peaked in 2021, when the FAA logged [5,981 unruly-passenger reports, about 72% of them mask-related](https://kvia.com/entertainment/cnn-style/2022/01/13/2021-year-of-the-unruly-airline-passenger/). The FAA says the rate has dropped by more than 80% since those highs, but it still sees incidents. > **If someone near you is being disruptive** > Don’t engage or film for social media. Alert a flight attendant quietly and let the crew handle it. They’re trained to. ## Deplaning: the last test The unwritten rule is simple: **rows leave in order, front to back.** Stand when it’s your row’s turn, grab your bag, and move. If you have a tight connection, ask the people around you before landing whether you can go ahead, rather than pushing past in the aisle. Most passengers will happily make way when asked. Before the trip, it also helps to have your boarding passes, maps and translations downloaded so you aren’t holding up the line hunting for signal. All Things AI has a practical guide to [using your phone offline while traveling](https://allthingsn.com/blogs/how-to-use-your-phone-offline-while-traveling/). > **The one-line version** > Take only your share of space, sound and time, and assume the person next to you is having a harder day than you are. Heading abroad? Read up on local customs in our [cultural etiquette guide](https://courteo.us/cultural-etiquette-by-country/) and check how [tipping works in other countries](https://courteo.us/tipping-abroad/). ## Frequently asked questions **Is it rude to recline your seat on a plane?** Reclining is allowed, and the seat was built to do it. The courteous way is to glance behind you first, recline slowly, and bring the seat upright during meals. On short daytime flights many people choose not to recline at all. **Who gets the armrests on a plane?** By widely shared convention, the middle-seat passenger gets both center armrests. The aisle passenger has the aisle armrest and easy access, and the window passenger has the window wall to lean on. **Can I put my bag in any overhead bin?** Use the bin above or near your own row, wheels in first, and keep your personal item under the seat in front of you so there is room for everyone's carry-on. **What happens if a passenger becomes unruly?** Follow crew instructions. The FAA says it can propose fines of up to $43,658 per violation in unruly-passenger cases, one incident can lead to multiple fines, and serious cases can be referred to the FBI. ## Sources - [FAA — Unruly Passengers](https://www.faa.gov/unruly) - [CNN via KVIA — 2021 was the year of the unruly airline passenger (Jan. 2022)](https://kvia.com/entertainment/cnn-style/2022/01/13/2021-year-of-the-unruly-airline-passenger/) - [Fox News — Expedia Airplane Etiquette Study, conducted by GfK, 1,005 U.S. travelers (Jan. 2017)](https://www.foxnews.com/travel/these-are-most-annoying-airplane-passengers-according-to-expedia.amp) --- Courteous (courteo.us) — Modern manners, researched. Markdown version of https://courteo.us/airplane-etiquette/ ======================================================================== # Cultural etiquette by country: Japan, France, the UK, Germany, India, China, Mexico and the UAE > Greetings, dining, gifts, dress and tipping in Japan, France, the UK, Germany, India, China, Mexico and the UAE, from tourism boards and government advice. URL: https://courteo.us/cultural-etiquette-by-country/ Published: 2026-10-20 Updated: 2026-10-20 Author: The Courteous Editors Topic: Travel & Culture The fastest way to make a good impression abroad is to show that you made an effort. Nobody expects visitors to master every custom, and in many places, as Japan’s tourism board puts it, a guest is [more likely to be bowed at than expected to bow](https://www.japan.travel/en/plan/custom-manners/). But knowing the basics of greeting, eating, gift-giving and dressing spares you and your hosts awkward moments, and a few customs are actually written into law. This guide draws on official tourism boards and the UK Foreign, Commonwealth & Development Office’s country-by-country travel advice. Every country contains enormous regional, generational and personal variation. Treat what follows as a starting point, and take your cues from the people around you. ## At a glance | Country | Tipping | One custom to know | One rule to know | |---|---|---|---| | Japan | Not customary | Remove shoes when asked at homes, some restaurants and inns | Carry your passport or residence card at all times | | France | Service usually included; small extra for good service | Service is built into restaurant prices (*service compris*) | Covering your face in public is illegal | | United Kingdom | Not expected as in the US; about 10% if unsure | Pub “rounds”: take turns buying for the group | — | | Germany | Service included; extra 10–15% in restaurants is common | Punctuality, and greeting people in shops | Sort your recycling | | India | Check locally | Remove shoes and cover your head at some religious sites | Alcohol is banned in some states | | China | Check locally | Give and receive with both hands | Always carry your passport | | Mexico | 10–15% in restaurants and bars | Haggling is fine for bigger purchases, not in fixed-price shops | Vapes and e-cigarettes are illegal | | UAE | Check locally | Modest dress outside beaches and pools | Public kissing and swearing can lead to arrest | Quick reference for eight destinations (sources linked in each section below) ## Japan **Greetings.** Bowing is the traditional greeting, but visitors aren’t expected to have perfected it. A polite nod and a smile are fine, and Japan’s tourism board notes that guests [will more likely be bowed at rather than expected to bow](https://www.japan.travel/en/plan/custom-manners/). **Shoes and bathing.** At some attractions, restaurants and traditional inns you’ll be [asked to take off your shoes](https://www.japan.travel/en/responsible-travel-guide/japanese-customs-and-etiquette/). Look for a step up at the entrance or a rack of slippers. At hot springs (onsen), wash and rinse thoroughly before getting in, and don’t wear clothing or swimwear in the bath. Some pools, hot springs, beaches and gyms [don’t admit people with tattoos](https://www.gov.uk/foreign-travel-advice/japan/safety-and-security), so check ahead. **Dining.** Don’t stick chopsticks upright into food, especially rice, and don’t pass food directly from chopsticks to chopsticks. Put it on a plate instead. Slurping noodles, on the other hand, is [an accepted exception](https://www.japan.travel/en/us/blog/table-manners-in-japan/) to the usual expectation of quiet eating. **Public behavior.** On trains people keep their voices down and avoid phone calls. Public bins can be scarce, so plan to carry your trash with you. Smoking on Tokyo’s streets outside designated areas is illegal, and you must [carry your passport or residence card](https://www.gov.uk/foreign-travel-advice/japan/safety-and-security) at all times. **Tipping.** It’s [not common to tip](https://www.japan.travel/en/plan/tipping-in-japan/) in bars, cafés, restaurants, taxis or hotels. If you want to thank someone for exceptional service, do it discreetly, with the money in an envelope. ## France **Greetings.** A clear “Bonjour” on entering a shop or café, and “Au revoir” on leaving, is a basic courtesy. Opening with the greeting before your question changes the whole tone of an exchange. **Dining and tipping.** According to the official France tourism site, [almost all restaurants include tax and a 15% service charge (*service compris*)](https://www.france.fr/en/article/money-france/) in their prices. If a meal was particularly good, leaving another 2–3%, or your small change, is customary. Where the menu says *service non compris*, a 15% tip is appropriate. **Laws.** Covering your face in public is illegal and can bring a fine of up to €150, and you [must be able to prove your identity](https://www.gov.uk/foreign-travel-advice/france/safety-and-security) if police ask. **Planning tip.** France and Germany are both in the Schengen Area, where non-EU visitors are commonly limited to 90 days in any 180. If you’re stringing several European trips together, the free [Schengen 90/180 calculator](https://allthingsn.com/tools/schengen-calculator/) shows how many days you have left. ## United Kingdom **Tipping.** VisitBritain says plainly that [tipping is not expected in Britain the way it is in some other countries](https://www.visitbritain.com/en/plan-your-trip/useful-information). Rounding a taxi fare up to the nearest pound is customary, a hotel porter might receive about £2, and around 10% is a safe amount when you’re unsure. **Pubs.** Tipping at the bar [isn’t expected](https://www.visitbritain.com/en/things-to-do/british-pub); table-service pubs may add a service charge. In a group, people often buy in “rounds”: one person buys drinks for everyone, and the next person gets the following round. Joining a round and then slipping off before your turn is a classic faux pas. **Everyday courtesy.** “Please,” “thank you” and “sorry” are used generously, and waiting your turn in line is taken seriously. Understatement is common; a mild-sounding complaint may be more serious than it seems. ## Germany **Punctuality.** Germany’s official information portal is blunt: [Germans are extremely punctual, and even a few minutes’ delay can offend](https://www.deutschland.de/en/topic/life/a-guide-to-german-etiquette). Be on time, and call if you’re running late. **Greetings.** It’s polite to say “Guten Tag” when you enter a small shop or a waiting room and “Auf Wiedersehen” when you leave, acknowledging everyone present. **Visiting a home.** Bring flowers if you’re invited to a German home, and remove the wrapping paper just before you go in. When drinks are poured, the host typically leads the toast, “Prost” or “Zum Wohl”, and guests clink glasses before drinking. **Recycling.** Germans separate household waste carefully. Putting glass or paper in the wrong bin is a quick way to annoy neighbors. Smoking is [banned in public buildings and on public transport](https://www.visitberlin.de/en/etiquette-tipping), including stops and stations. **Tipping.** Visit Berlin notes that [tips and VAT are already included in all prices](https://www.visitberlin.de/en/etiquette-tipping), but it’s usual to add about 10% for taxis and 10–15% in restaurants. Porters receive €2–3 per bag. ## India **Greetings.** A namaste, palms pressed together with a slight nod, is widely used and works in almost any setting. Many urban professionals also shake hands. Follow the lead of the person you’re meeting. **Religious sites.** At sacred places, expect to remove your shoes and sometimes to cover your head. At Amritsar’s Golden Temple, for example, the official tourism site notes that [you hand in your shoes and cover your head](https://www.incredibleindia.gov.in/en/punjab/amritsar/25-top-amritsar-experiences-you-must); carry a scarf or use one provided. UK travel advice asks visitors to [respect local dress codes and customs](https://www.gov.uk/foreign-travel-advice/india/safety-and-security), particularly at religious sites and in rural areas. **Laws.** Alcohol is illegal in several states and territories, including Bihar, Gujarat, Mizoram, Nagaland and Lakshadweep. Drinking in public places is illegal throughout India, and sales are often suspended during festivals and elections. Vapes are banned, smoking is illegal in most public places, and public displays of affection may attract unwanted attention. **Tipping.** Customs vary widely by city and type of establishment. Check whether a service charge appears on the bill and ask locally. ## China **Greetings.** Beijing’s official tourism site says [a handshake is the most common greeting](https://english.visitbeijing.com.cn/article/47OMmtlyGNh). Stand when you’re introduced, and greet the most senior or eldest person first. Avoid back-slaps, hugs or arms around shoulders with people you don’t know well. Punctuality is valued. **Gifts.** Present and receive gifts, business cards and other items with both hands. Avoid clocks and anything associated with the number four, both of which are [associated with funerals and death](https://english.visitbeijing.com.cn/article/47OMmtlyGNh). A green hat is also a [well-known gift to avoid](https://english.visitbeijing.com.cn/article/47OMhDb1REF). Gifts are often opened later rather than in front of the giver. For more on choosing and presenting gifts, see our [gift etiquette guide](https://courteo.us/gift-etiquette/). **Dining.** At a formal banquet, it’s polite to sample every dish and to leave a little food on your plate at the end, a sign that the host was generous. When a toast is proposed, tapping the table twice is a common gesture, and people stand for a more formal toast. As in Japan, don’t stand chopsticks upright in rice. **Laws.** UK travel advice says to [always carry your passport](https://www.gov.uk/foreign-travel-advice/china/safety-and-security); police don’t accept printed copies. Be cautious about photography near sensitive sites. ## Mexico **Tipping.** Mexico’s official tourism site says it is [customary to tip 10–15% in restaurants, bars and at street stands](https://visitmexico.com/en/pagina/preguntas-frecuentes), with a few coins for porters, taxi drivers and housekeeping staff. **Shopping.** Bargaining is acceptable for larger purchases at markets but not in shops with marked prices. **Greetings.** A handshake is a safe default when meeting someone, and a friendly greeting as you enter a shop or office sets a warm tone. Follow your host’s lead on anything more familiar. **Laws.** Importing or buying vapes and e-cigarettes is illegal, and smoking or vaping in public places can bring a fine. Visitors should [carry their original passport and entry stamp](https://www.gov.uk/foreign-travel-advice/mexico/safety-and-security), since copies aren’t accepted. ## United Arab Emirates **Dress.** UK travel advice says [women should cover shoulders and knees](https://www.gov.uk/foreign-travel-advice/united-arab-emirates/safety-and-security) and that visitors should avoid transparent clothing and wear swimwear only at beaches and pools. Dress more conservatively still for mosques. **Behavior.** Swearing and rude gestures are illegal, including online, and you can be arrested for kissing in public. Being drunk in public is illegal, the legal drinking age is 21, and alcohol is banned in Sharjah. Don’t photograph people without their permission. **Ramadan.** During the holy month, eating, drinking, smoking or chewing gum in public during daylight hours, loud music and dancing may cause offense. Visitors aren’t expected to fast, but discretion is a courtesy. **Tipping.** Check your bill for an included service charge and ask locally. ## Universal courtesies that travel anywhere - **Learn five words** in the local language: hello, please, thank you, excuse me, goodbye. - **Greet before you ask.** In shops, taxis and hotels, open with a greeting before your request. - **Dress for the place, not the weather** when visiting religious sites. Carry a light scarf or cover-up. - **Ask before photographing people,** and respect a no. - **Read the official advice.** Government travel pages list the local laws that affect visitors, from ID rules to banned items. - **Watch, then follow.** When unsure, copy what locals do, quietly. > **Plan the practical parts first** > Etiquette is easier when you aren’t frazzled. Mapping each day ahead of time, with addresses, opening hours and dress requirements for temples or mosques, frees your attention for the people you meet. A day-by-day planner such as [Wayfare](https://allthingsn.com/apps/wayfare/) keeps those notes in one place offline. ### Do - Assume good intent when something feels unfamiliar - Apologize simply if you get it wrong; people are usually gracious - Check whether service is already included before tipping ### Don’t - Treat a single guide, including this one, as the last word on a whole country - Joke about local customs or compare them unfavorably with home - Bring home-country tipping habits everywhere Getting there is part of the trip: brush up on [airplane etiquette](https://courteo.us/airplane-etiquette/), and see our country table for [tipping abroad](https://courteo.us/tipping-abroad/). ## Frequently asked questions **Should I tip in Japan?** Generally no. Japan's national tourism organization says tipping is not common for services in bars, cafes, restaurants, taxis and hotels. If you do want to give a gratuity, it should be discreet and placed in an envelope. **Do I need to carry my passport when traveling?** In some countries, yes. UK government travel advice says visitors must always carry their passport or residence card in Japan, should always carry their passport in China (printed copies are not accepted by police), and should carry their original passport and entry stamp in Mexico. Check the official advice for your destination. **What should I wear when visiting the UAE?** UK government travel advice says women should cover shoulders and knees, transparent clothing should be avoided, and swimwear should be worn only at beaches and pools. Dress more conservatively for religious sites. **What gifts should I avoid in China?** Beijing's official tourism site advises against giving clocks or anything associated with the number four, because both are linked with funerals and death. Present and receive gifts with both hands. **Is it rude to be late in Germany?** Germany's official information portal describes Germans as extremely punctual, noting that even a few minutes' delay can offend. Aim to be on time and call ahead if you will be late. ## Sources - [Japan National Tourism Organization — Tipping in Japan](https://www.japan.travel/en/plan/tipping-in-japan/) - [Japan National Tourism Organization — Japanese customs and etiquette](https://www.japan.travel/en/responsible-travel-guide/japanese-customs-and-etiquette/) - [Japan National Tourism Organization — Customs & manners](https://www.japan.travel/en/plan/custom-manners/) - [Japan National Tourism Organization — Table manners in Japan](https://www.japan.travel/en/us/blog/table-manners-in-japan/) - [GOV.UK — Japan travel advice: safety and security](https://www.gov.uk/foreign-travel-advice/japan/safety-and-security) - [France.fr (Atout France) — Money in France](https://www.france.fr/en/article/money-france/) - [GOV.UK — France travel advice: safety and security](https://www.gov.uk/foreign-travel-advice/france/safety-and-security) - [VisitBritain — Useful information](https://www.visitbritain.com/en/plan-your-trip/useful-information) - [VisitBritain — The British pub](https://www.visitbritain.com/en/things-to-do/british-pub) - [deutschland.de — A guide to German etiquette](https://www.deutschland.de/en/topic/life/a-guide-to-german-etiquette) - [visitBerlin — Etiquette & tipping](https://www.visitberlin.de/en/etiquette-tipping) - [Incredible India — Top Amritsar experiences](https://www.incredibleindia.gov.in/en/punjab/amritsar/25-top-amritsar-experiences-you-must) - [GOV.UK — India travel advice: safety and security](https://www.gov.uk/foreign-travel-advice/india/safety-and-security) - [Visit Beijing — Etiquette for visitors](https://english.visitbeijing.com.cn/article/47OMmtlyGNh) - [Visit Beijing — Taboos and customs](https://english.visitbeijing.com.cn/article/47OMhDb1REF) - [GOV.UK — China travel advice: safety and security](https://www.gov.uk/foreign-travel-advice/china/safety-and-security) - [Visit México — Frequently asked questions](https://visitmexico.com/en/pagina/preguntas-frecuentes) - [GOV.UK — Mexico travel advice: safety and security](https://www.gov.uk/foreign-travel-advice/mexico/safety-and-security) - [GOV.UK — United Arab Emirates travel advice: safety and security](https://www.gov.uk/foreign-travel-advice/united-arab-emirates/safety-and-security) --- Courteous (courteo.us) — Modern manners, researched. Markdown version of https://courteo.us/cultural-etiquette-by-country/ ======================================================================== # Tipping abroad: how much to tip in other countries > How tipping works in Japan, France, the UK, Germany and Mexico, per official tourism boards, plus a simple method for any country you don’t know. URL: https://courteo.us/tipping-abroad/ Published: 2026-10-20 Updated: 2026-10-20 Author: The Courteous Editors Topic: Travel & Culture In the United States, tipping is woven into how service workers are paid, and the customary restaurant tip runs 15–20%. Even at home the rules feel slippery: in Pew Research Center’s 2023 survey, only about [a third of Americans said it’s easy to know whether to tip](https://www.pewresearch.org/2023/11/09/tipping-culture-in-america-public-sees-a-changed-landscape/). Abroad, the uncertainty doubles. In many countries service is already built into the price, and a large American-style tip can range from unnecessary to genuinely awkward. The good news is that official tourism boards answer this question directly. Below is what they say for five popular destinations, followed by a method that works anywhere else. - **None** Tipping is not common in Japan’s bars, cafés, restaurants, taxis or hotels [JNTO](https://www.japan.travel/en/plan/tipping-in-japan/) - **15%** Service charge included in almost all French restaurant prices [France.fr](https://www.france.fr/en/article/money-france/) - **~10%** A safe tip in Britain if you’re unsure [VisitBritain](https://www.visitbritain.com/en/plan-your-trip/useful-information) - **10–15%** Customary in Mexican restaurants, bars and street stands [Visit México](https://visitmexico.com/en/pagina/preguntas-frecuentes) ## Tipping by country | Country | Restaurants | Taxis | Hotels & other | |---|---|---|---| | Japan | Not customary | Not customary | Not customary; if you insist, use an envelope and be discreet | | France | Service included (15%); leave 2–3% or small change for good service; 15% if *service non compris* | Check locally | Hairdressers about 10% (assistant 5%); about €1 for cloakroom and washroom attendants, ushers and museum guides | | United Kingdom | Not expected as in the US; about 10% if unsure; check for a service charge | Round up to the nearest pound | Hotel porter about £2; no tip at the pub bar | | Germany (Berlin) | Service and VAT included; 10–15% extra is usual | About 10% | Porters €2–3 per bag | | Mexico | 10–15% in restaurants, bars and street stands | A few coins | A few coins for porters and housekeeping | | Other countries | Check locally: look for a service charge on the bill, read the national tourism board’s advice, or ask your hotel. | | | Tipping customs according to official tourism boards, October 2026 Sources: [JNTO](https://www.japan.travel/en/plan/tipping-in-japan/), [France.fr](https://www.france.fr/en/article/money-france/), [VisitBritain](https://www.visitbritain.com/en/plan-your-trip/useful-information), [visitBerlin](https://www.visitberlin.de/en/etiquette-tipping), [Visit México](https://visitmexico.com/en/pagina/preguntas-frecuentes). ## Country notes ### Japan: thanks, not cash Japan is the classic example of a country where you don’t tip. The national tourism organization says it’s [not common to tip](https://www.japan.travel/en/plan/tipping-in-japan/) for services in bars, cafés, restaurants, taxis and hotels. Excellent service is part of the job, and a sincere “arigatō gozaimasu” is the appropriate thanks. In the rare case, such as a private guide or a ryokan host who went far beyond the usual, a gratuity (*kokorozuke*) is given discreetly, placed in an envelope rather than handed over as bare cash. ### France: service compris French menu prices include service. France’s official tourism site says [almost all restaurants include tax and a 15% service charge](https://www.france.fr/en/article/money-france/) in their prices. Leaving a few extra percent, or your small change if you paid in cash, is a customary way to say the meal was particularly good. If you see *service non compris*, service isn’t included and a 15% tip is appropriate. ### United Kingdom: optional, modest VisitBritain says [tipping isn’t expected in Britain as it is in some other countries](https://www.visitbritain.com/en/plan-your-trip/useful-information). Check the bill: if a service charge has already been added, you don’t need to tip again. Otherwise about 10% is appreciated. For taxis, round up to the nearest pound. At the pub, [tipping isn’t expected](https://www.visitbritain.com/en/things-to-do/british-pub) when you order at the bar. ### Germany: included, plus a little Visit Berlin notes that [tips and VAT are already included in all prices](https://www.visitberlin.de/en/etiquette-tipping), but adding something remains common: around 10% for taxis, 10–15% in restaurants, and €2–3 per bag for porters. ### Mexico: closest to US habits Of these destinations, Mexico is the closest to American practice. The official tourism site says it’s [customary to tip 10–15% of the bill](https://visitmexico.com/en/pagina/preguntas-frecuentes) in restaurants and bars and at street stands, and to give a few coins to porters, taxi drivers and cleaning staff. ## How to figure out tipping anywhere For countries not listed here, don’t guess from home habits. Work through these steps: - **Read the bill.** Look for words like “service,” “servizio,” “service charge” or “gratuity.” If service is included, extra is optional. - **Check the national tourism board.** Most have a “money” or “practical information” page that addresses tipping directly. - **Ask your hotel’s front desk.** They know local norms and are asked all the time. - **Watch what locals do,** especially in cafés and taxis. - **Carry small local notes and coins.** Rounding up a fare or leaving small change is a safe, low-stakes gesture in many places. - **Tip in local currency.** Foreign notes cost the recipient time and fees to exchange. ### Do - Say thank you in the local language; it’s welcome everywhere - Tip private tour guides and drivers if that’s the local custom - Keep a separate pocket of small change for porters and taxis ### Don’t - Leave 20% by default because it’s what you’d do at home - Push money on someone who has politely declined it - Tip twice when a service charge is already on the bill > **Pack the knowledge with the luggage** > Before each trip, jot the local tipping norms into your itinerary notes so you aren’t doing mental math at the end of a meal. All Things AI keeps a collection of free [travel apps](https://allthingsn.com/apps/category/travel/) for itineraries and trip logistics. Back home in the US? See our full [US tipping guide](https://courteo.us/tipping-guide/), or run the numbers with the [tip calculator](https://courteo.us/tip-calculator/). For greetings, dress and dining customs in each of these countries, read [cultural etiquette by country](https://courteo.us/cultural-etiquette-by-country/). ## Frequently asked questions **Is it rude to tip in Japan?** Tipping is not customary in Japan. The Japan National Tourism Organization says it is not common to tip in bars, cafes, restaurants, taxis or hotels. If you want to thank someone for exceptional service, do it discreetly with the money in an envelope. **How much should I tip in a French restaurant?** Usually very little. France's official tourism site says almost all restaurants include a 15% service charge (service compris) in their prices. Leaving another 2-3% or your small change for particularly good service is customary. If the bill says service non compris, a 15% tip is appropriate. **Do you tip in British pubs?** Not at the bar. VisitBritain says tipping at the pub isn't expected; pubs with table service may add a service charge to the bill. **Should I tip in local currency or dollars?** Local currency is almost always more useful and more polite, because the recipient doesn't have to pay to exchange it. Keep some small notes and coins handy for porters and taxis. ## Sources - [Japan National Tourism Organization — Tipping in Japan](https://www.japan.travel/en/plan/tipping-in-japan/) - [France.fr (Atout France) — Money in France](https://www.france.fr/en/article/money-france/) - [VisitBritain — Useful information](https://www.visitbritain.com/en/plan-your-trip/useful-information) - [VisitBritain — The British pub](https://www.visitbritain.com/en/things-to-do/british-pub) - [visitBerlin — Etiquette & tipping](https://www.visitberlin.de/en/etiquette-tipping) - [Visit México — Frequently asked questions](https://visitmexico.com/en/pagina/preguntas-frecuentes) - [Pew Research Center — Tipping Culture in America (Nov. 2023)](https://www.pewresearch.org/2023/11/09/tipping-culture-in-america-public-sees-a-changed-landscape/) --- Courteous (courteo.us) — Modern manners, researched. Markdown version of https://courteo.us/tipping-abroad/ ======================================================================== # Email etiquette: how to write messages people are glad to get > Practical email etiquette for 2026: subject lines, greetings, reply times, reply-all, CC and BCC, tone, sign-offs and follow-ups, with templates you can adapt. URL: https://courteo.us/email-etiquette/ Published: 2026-10-20 Updated: 2026-10-20 Author: The Courteous Editors Topic: Work & Digital Life Email is still the backbone of working life, and it is easy to underestimate how much of it other people receive. Microsoft’s analysis of Microsoft 365 activity found that [the average worker receives 117 emails a day and skims most of them in under a minute](https://www.microsoft.com/en-us/worklab/work-trend-index/breaking-down-infinite-workday). Courteous email respects that reality. It is easy to understand, easy to act on, and arrives with the right people copied. The good news is that people answer email faster than its reputation suggests. A study of more than two million users and 16 billion messages by researchers at Yahoo Labs and USC found that [half of replies arrived within 47 minutes and over 90% within a day](https://arxiv.org/abs/1504.00704). The median reply was just 43 words. Short, prompt and clear is the norm, not the exception. - **117** emails the average worker receives per day [Microsoft, 2025](https://www.microsoft.com/en-us/worklab/work-trend-index/breaking-down-infinite-workday) - **47 min** median time to reply, among emails that got a reply [Kooti et al., 2015](https://arxiv.org/abs/1504.00704) - **43** words in the median email reply [Kooti et al., 2015](https://arxiv.org/abs/1504.00704) ## The anatomy of a courteous email | Part | Good practice | Avoid | |---|---|---| | Subject line | Specific and scannable: “Budget draft — feedback by Thu” | “Quick question,” “Hi,” or a blank subject | | Greeting | “Hi Priya,” for colleagues; “Hello Dr. Okafor,” for first contact | “Hey” to someone senior you’ve never met; no greeting at all in a first message | | First line | The point or the request | Two paragraphs of background before the ask | | Body | Short paragraphs; bullets for several items; one topic per email | A wall of text mixing three unrelated questions | | The ask | Clear action and date: “Could you confirm by Friday noon?” | “Let me know your thoughts” with no deadline | | Sign-off | “Thanks,” “Best,” “Kind regards,” plus your name | Overly casual sign-offs in formal contexts | | Signature | Name, role, and one way to reach you | Quotes, large images, or six phone numbers | Each part of an email, and what good looks like ## Write for the reader who skims Because most email is skimmed, put the most important sentence first. A useful test: if the recipient read only your subject line and first sentence, would they know what you need? If not, rewrite. - **Lead with the request or the answer.** Background can follow for those who want it. - **One email, one topic.** Separate subjects make threads easier to search and to answer. - **Use bullets or numbers** when you have several questions, so each can be answered in turn. - **Bold sparingly** — a deadline or a decision, not whole sentences. - **Name the attachment** in the body (“The attached contract, v3…”) and actually attach it before sending. - **Reread once, out loud if it’s sensitive.** Tone that sounds fine in your head can read as curt on screen. ## To, CC, BCC and reply-all The address fields are a courtesy tool. Used well, they tell everyone exactly what is expected of them. - **To:** people who need to act or reply. - **CC:** people who need to know, but don’t need to act. Say so if it helps: “CCing Jordan for visibility.” - **BCC:** large external lists (to protect people’s addresses) or moving someone off a thread: “Moving Sam to BCC to spare their inbox.” Avoid using BCC to secretly copy someone’s manager; it tends to be discovered. - **Reply-all:** only when every person on the thread needs your reply. A “Thanks!” to forty people is the classic misstep. ### Do - Acknowledge receipt when a full answer will take time - Change the subject line when the topic changes - Introduce new people you add to a thread - Say thank you when someone helps you - Use “schedule send” for messages written late at night ### Don’t - Write in ALL CAPS or stack exclamation points!!! - Forward a long thread with just “FYI” and no summary - Deliver criticism or bad news to someone’s team by email first - Mark everything “urgent” or high priority - Send anything you’d be uncomfortable seeing forwarded ## Reply times: what’s expected There is no universal rule, but a few defaults keep relationships smooth. For work email, aim to reply within one business day. If you can’t answer properly yet, a short acknowledgment is courteous and stops the sender wondering whether the message arrived. > **Holding reply** > Hi Marco, thanks for sending this. I want to give it a proper look and will get back to you by Wednesday afternoon. Personal email is more relaxed; a few days is usually fine. Out-of-office replies are a courtesy when you’ll be unreachable for more than a day or so. Include your return date and someone else to contact for urgent matters. ## Following up without nagging A follow-up is not rude; it’s often a favor to a busy person. Keep it short, reply in the same thread so the context is there, and make it easy to say yes. > **Polite follow-up** > Hi Aisha, just bringing this back to the top of your inbox. Are you able to confirm the venue by Friday? If it’s easier, a quick yes or no is plenty. Thanks! Avoid passive-aggressive phrasing such as “Per my last email” or “As previously stated.” They read as reproach. “Just checking in on this” does the same job kindly. ## Tone: warmth without fluff Email strips out the facial expressions and voice that soften spoken words, so short messages can feel sharper than intended. A greeting, a “thanks,” and a complete sentence or two go a long way. At the same time, warmth doesn’t require padding: “I hope this email finds you well” is harmless, but a specific, sincere line is better. When someone helps you, say thank you, specifically. Research by Amit Kumar and Nicholas Epley found that people writing notes of gratitude [consistently underestimated how positive recipients would feel and overestimated how awkward the message would be](https://www.chicagobooth.edu/media-relations-and-communications/press-releases/expressing-your-gratitude-is-more-powerful-than-you-think). A two-line thank-you email is rarely wasted. For longer handwritten notes, see our [thank-you note guide](https://courteo.us/thank-you-notes/). ## Speed helps courtesy Much email rudeness is really time pressure: rushed replies, missing greetings, unanswered questions. If you spend hours a day in your inbox, faster typing gives you room to be thorough and kind. The free [Keystride typing lessons](https://allthingsn.com/typing/) from All Things AI start at the home row, and a quick [typing speed test](https://allthingsn.com/typing/test/) will show your current words per minute and weakest keys. ## Templates for common situations > **Introducing two people** > Hi Lena and Tom, I’m connecting you because you’re both working on community gardens. Lena runs the Eastside program; Tom is starting one in Northfield. I’ll let you take it from here — Lena, I’ve moved myself to BCC. > **Declining a request** > Hi Chris, thank you for thinking of me. I can’t take this on this quarter, but Dana knows the system well and may be able to help. Best of luck with the launch. > **Apologizing for a slow reply** > Hi Ren, sorry for the delay on this. Here are the answers to your three questions… > **The two-question check** > Before you hit send, ask: “Will they know what I need from them?” and “Would I mind if this were forwarded?” If both answers are yes, send it. For the rest of office life — meetings, chat apps and shared spaces — continue to our [workplace etiquette guide](https://courteo.us/workplace-etiquette/). ## Frequently asked questions **How quickly should I reply to a work email?** Within one business day is a courteous default for most work email. If a full answer will take longer, send a short acknowledgment saying when you'll reply. Research on millions of email users found that most replies that do happen come quickly: half within about 47 minutes and over 90% within a day. **Is it rude to start an email with just the person's name?** Not in most workplaces. "Hi Sam," or simply "Sam," is normal for colleagues. For a first message to someone outside your organization, "Hello" or "Dear" plus their name is the safer choice. Match the formality the other person uses once they reply. **When should I use reply-all?** Only when everyone on the thread needs your answer. If your reply is a thank-you, a yes, or a question only the sender can answer, reply to the sender alone. **How long should I wait before following up?** For routine requests, two to three business days is reasonable. For time-sensitive requests, say so in the original email and give a date; then a follow-up the day before that date is fair. **Are emojis unprofessional in email?** It depends on the relationship and the workplace. With close colleagues who use them, an occasional emoji is fine. In first contacts, formal requests, or anything sensitive, leave them out. ## Sources - [Kooti et al., "Evolution of Conversations in the Age of Email Overload" (WWW 2015, arXiv)](https://arxiv.org/abs/1504.00704) - [Microsoft WorkLab — Breaking down the infinite workday (Work Trend Index, June 2025)](https://www.microsoft.com/en-us/worklab/work-trend-index/breaking-down-infinite-workday) - [Chicago Booth — Expressing your gratitude is more powerful than you think (Kumar & Epley, 2018)](https://www.chicagobooth.edu/media-relations-and-communications/press-releases/expressing-your-gratitude-is-more-powerful-than-you-think) --- Courteous (courteo.us) — Modern manners, researched. Markdown version of https://courteo.us/email-etiquette/ ======================================================================== # Workplace etiquette: courtesy at the office, in meetings and on chat > Workplace etiquette for hybrid teams: meetings, chat apps, shared spaces, after-hours messages, credit and feedback, plus what research says incivility costs. URL: https://courteo.us/workplace-etiquette/ Published: 2026-10-20 Updated: 2026-10-20 Author: The Courteous Editors Topic: Work & Digital Life Workplace etiquette has less to do with formality than it once did. Fewer offices have dress codes, and many teams are split between home and office. But the fundamentals are unchanged: respect people’s time, attention and credit, and make shared spaces easier for everyone. Getting it wrong is costly. Christine Porath and Christine Pearson, who polled thousands of workers over 14 years, report in *Harvard Business Review* that [98% had experienced uncivil behavior at work](https://hbr.org/2013/01/the-price-of-incivility), and that by 2011 half said they were treated rudely at least once a week. Roughly half of those on the receiving end said they deliberately reduced their effort. The Society for Human Resource Management’s Civility Index found U.S. workers saw or experienced [an average of 1.34 uncivil acts per day in late 2024](https://shrm.org/about/press-room/incivility-reaches-record-high-with-political-viewpoint-differen), which SHRM estimates cost businesses $2.7 billion a day. - **98%** of workers polled had experienced incivility at work [Porath & Pearson, HBR](https://hbr.org/2013/01/the-price-of-incivility) - **1.34** uncivil acts seen or experienced per worker per day (Q4 2024) [SHRM](https://shrm.org/about/press-room/incivility-reaches-record-high-with-political-viewpoint-differen) - **~2 min** between interruptions during core work hours [Microsoft, 2025](https://www.microsoft.com/en-us/worklab/work-trend-index/breaking-down-infinite-workday) ## Meetings Meetings grew sharply when work went remote: Microsoft found that [time spent in Teams meetings more than doubled worldwide (2.5x) between February 2020 and February 2021](https://www.microsoft.com/en-us/worklab/work-trend-index/hybrid-work), and the average meeting stretched from 35 to 45 minutes. A courteous meeting culture fights that drift. - **Ask whether it needs to be a meeting.** A decision with one owner and a clear proposal can often be settled in writing. - **Send an agenda**, even a three-line one, with the goal of the meeting stated first. - **Start and end on time.** Ending five minutes early gives people time to get to their next commitment. - **Invite only people who need to be there**, and share notes with those who just need to know. - **Close with owners and dates** for every action, then send them in writing. - **Accept or decline invitations promptly**, and give a reason if you’re declining a meeting you were expected to attend. In the room or on the call, listen fully. Laptops and phones out of sight (unless you’re taking notes), no side conversations, and let people finish their sentences. If someone is interrupted, a simple “I’d like to hear the rest of Jae’s point” restores the floor. Video meetings have their own conventions; see our [video call etiquette guide](https://courteo.us/video-call-etiquette/). ## Chat apps: Slack, Teams and their cousins Workplace chat feels casual, which is exactly why it causes friction. Microsoft’s 2025 data shows workers receiving [153 Teams messages per weekday on average](https://www.microsoft.com/en-us/worklab/work-trend-index/breaking-down-infinite-workday), and being interrupted roughly every two minutes during core hours. Every message you send is an interruption to someone. | Instead of | Try | |---|---| | “Hi” … (waiting for a reply before asking) | “Hi Ana — could you share the Q3 deck link when you have a sec?” in one message | | Five short messages in a row | One complete message | | @channel or @everyone for a minor question | Mention the one or two people who know the answer | | Long debates in a busy channel | A thread, or a short call, then a summary | | A decision buried in a DM | A post in the shared channel so others can see it | | Ignoring a direct question | An emoji acknowledgment, then a real answer later | Chat etiquette in practice Set your status honestly (in focus time, out sick, on vacation), and respect others’ statuses. A “do not disturb” is a request, not a challenge. ## Working hours and after-hours messages Workdays are getting longer at the edges. Microsoft reports that [meetings starting after 8 p.m. rose 16% year over year](https://www.microsoft.com/en-us/worklab/work-trend-index/breaking-down-infinite-workday). Flexible schedules are a benefit, but they shouldn’t become an obligation for everyone else. - Use **scheduled send** for messages written outside the recipient’s working hours. - If you must send late, say **“no need to reply until tomorrow.”** - Be mindful of **time zones** when scheduling; rotate inconvenient slots so the same people don’t always take the 7 a.m. call. - Managers set the tone. If you email at midnight, your team will assume you expect replies at midnight. ## Shared spaces ### Do - Keep calls in phone booths or meeting rooms, not open desks - Use headphones for any audio - Clean up the kitchen and wipe the microwave after use - Label food in the shared fridge and clear it out weekly - Leave hot desks clean and empty for the next person - Stay home when you’re contagious, if you can ### Don’t - Reheat fish or other strong-smelling foods in a shared microwave - Take a colleague’s lunch, chair or charger - Hold a long conversation next to someone’s desk - Wear heavy fragrance in close quarters - Book a meeting room “just in case” and not use it ## Credit, thanks and feedback Few things damage working relationships faster than taking credit you didn’t earn, and few build them faster than giving credit generously. Be specific and public with praise and private with criticism. Thanks has measurable effects. In a study by Adam Grant and Francesca Gino, described in the *Harvard Gazette*, [66% of people who had been thanked for their help went on to help again, compared with 32% of those who hadn’t been thanked](https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2013/03/the-power-of-thanks/). A sentence of recognition is cheap and powerful. > **Giving credit in a summary** > Shipping on time came down to Malik’s work rebuilding the test suite over two weekends. Thank you, Malik. > **Raising a concern privately** > Can I share something from today’s meeting? When the plan was presented, my section was described as yours. I’m sure it wasn’t intentional, but I’d like to be named on it going forward. ## Hybrid and remote courtesy When some people are in a room and others are remote, the remote people are at a disadvantage. Courteous hybrid teams default to the remote experience: everyone joins from their own laptop, decisions are written down, and the chat is monitored for questions. Record or summarize key meetings for people in other time zones. Written communication carries more weight in distributed teams, so clear, accurate writing is a professional courtesy. If your typing slows you down, free [step-by-step typing lessons](https://allthingsn.com/typing/learn/) can help, and our [email etiquette guide](https://courteo.us/email-etiquette/) covers structure and tone. ## A few classic office questions ### Collections and gifts Contributions for a colleague’s gift should be genuinely optional and anonymous. Gifts generally flow down or across, not up; a group card for a manager is fine, but expensive individual gifts to the boss can make others feel pressured. ### Small talk and personal topics Interest in colleagues’ lives is warm; interrogation is not. Avoid questions about pay, pregnancy plans, health, religion or politics unless someone raises the subject themselves. > **The workplace rule of thumb** > Treat colleagues’ time and attention as the scarce resources they are. Make your requests complete, your meetings purposeful, and your thanks specific. ## Frequently asked questions **Is it rude to message coworkers after hours?** Sending is fine if your team agrees it is, but don't expect an answer until working hours. Many people use scheduled send, or say "no need to reply until tomorrow", to remove any pressure. **How do I give credit properly at work?** Name the person and the specific contribution, in front of the people who matter: "Rosa built the forecast model this plan rests on." Do it in meetings, in written summaries, and to their manager. **What should I do if a coworker is rude to me?** If it's minor and one-off, let it go or address it lightly in the moment. If it's a pattern, talk to the person privately and specifically; if that fails or the behavior is serious, involve your manager or HR. **Should I eat at my desk in a shared office?** Usually yes, but skip strongly scented foods in open-plan spaces, clean up promptly, and avoid eating loudly on calls. ## Sources - [Harvard Business Review — Porath & Pearson, The Price of Incivility (2013)](https://hbr.org/2013/01/the-price-of-incivility) - [SHRM — Incivility reaches record high (Civility Index Q4 2024)](https://shrm.org/about/press-room/incivility-reaches-record-high-with-political-viewpoint-differen) - [Microsoft WorkLab — Breaking down the infinite workday (June 2025)](https://www.microsoft.com/en-us/worklab/work-trend-index/breaking-down-infinite-workday) - [Microsoft WorkLab — The next great disruption is hybrid work (Work Trend Index 2021)](https://www.microsoft.com/en-us/worklab/work-trend-index/hybrid-work) - [Harvard Gazette — The power of thanks (Grant & Gino, 2010)](https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2013/03/the-power-of-thanks/) --- Courteous (courteo.us) — Modern manners, researched. Markdown version of https://courteo.us/workplace-etiquette/ ======================================================================== # Texting and phone etiquette: calls, texts, group chats and phones in public > Texting and phone etiquette for 2026: call vs. text, reply times, group chats, voice notes, speakerphone in public, and how to stop phubbing people. URL: https://courteo.us/texting-phone-etiquette/ Published: 2026-10-20 Updated: 2026-10-20 Author: The Courteous Editors Topic: Work & Digital Life Phones are close to universal. According to Pew Research Center, [98% of U.S. adults own a cellphone and 91% own a smartphone](https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/fact-sheet/mobile/). That makes phone etiquette less about the device and more about attention: who gets it, when, and how much of it. Americans have been clear about where they think phones belong. In Pew’s survey on mobile etiquette, [77% said using a phone while walking down the street is generally OK, and 75% said the same about public transit — but only 38% approved in restaurants and just 5% in meetings](https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2015/08/26/americans-views-on-mobile-etiquette/). Meanwhile, 89% of phone owners had used their phone during their most recent social gathering, and 82% said doing so at least occasionally hurt the conversation. We know the rule; we just don’t always follow it. - **91%** of U.S. adults own a smartphone [Pew, 2026](https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/fact-sheet/mobile/) - **5%** say using a phone in a meeting is generally OK [Pew, 2015](https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2015/08/26/americans-views-on-mobile-etiquette/) - **82%** say phone use at gatherings at least occasionally hurts the conversation [Pew, 2015](https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2015/08/26/americans-views-on-mobile-etiquette/) ## Call or text? Preferences vary by age and relationship, and they have shifted over time. When Pew last asked texters directly, in 2011, [31% preferred texting and 53% preferred a call](https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2011/09/19/americans-and-text-messaging/), while young adults aged 18–24 sent a median of 50 texts a day. Habits have moved further toward text since then, which is why many people now treat an unannounced call as an interruption. A good rule is to choose the channel that suits the message. | Situation | Best channel | Why | |---|---|---| | Quick logistics (“running 10 min late”) | Text | Easy to read at a glance | | Emotional or sensitive news | Call, or in person | Tone matters; text can feel cold | | Condolences to a close friend | Call or handwritten note | See our [condolence guide](https://courteo.us/condolence-etiquette/) | | A long back-and-forth to plan something | Call | Saves twenty messages | | Details someone must keep (address, time, code) | Text | Searchable later | | Emergency | Call | Always | | Non-urgent call to a colleague or acquaintance | Text first: “Free for a quick call?” | Lets them pick the moment | Choosing the right channel ## Texting etiquette - **Mind the clock.** Avoid non-urgent texts late at night or early in the morning unless you know the person keeps notifications silenced. - **Identify yourself** when texting someone for the first time: “Hi, it’s Dev from the book club.” - **Send complete thoughts** instead of a stream of fragments that buzz six times. - **Don’t break bad news by text** when a call or conversation is possible. - **Reread before sending** — autocorrect and tone are both risky. - **Reply to direct questions**, even briefly. Leaving a question on “read” can feel like a snub. - **Be careful with links.** Don’t forward suspicious messages to friends, and learn [how to spot a scam text before you tap](https://allthingsn.com/blogs/how-to-spot-a-scam-text-before-you-tap/); protecting your contacts is a courtesy too. ### Tone, punctuation and emoji Text strips out voice, so small choices carry weight. A lone “K.” can read as annoyance; a period at the end of a short reply can feel clipped to some readers. If a message might be misread, add a word of warmth (“Sounds good, thanks!”) rather than leaving it terse. Emojis are fine where they’re part of the relationship; in professional texts, use them sparingly. ## Group chats Group chats are where texting etiquette is most tested. A few habits keep them pleasant: ### Do - Ask before adding someone to a group - Take one-to-one conversations to a direct message - Use reactions instead of “lol” replies in large groups - Summarize decisions: “So: Saturday, 7 p.m., at Mia’s” ### Don’t - Share photos of people who wouldn’t want them shared - Screenshot private messages to other chats - Flood the group late at night - Add someone’s number to a group without permission ## Phones in public Many Americans feel public manners have slipped. In Pew’s late-2024 survey, [47% said people behave more rudely in public than before the pandemic](https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2025/03/12/almost-half-of-americans-say-people-have-gotten-ruder-since-the-covid-19-pandemic/). Phones aren’t the only reason, but they’re a visible one. The basics: - **No speakerphone or video calls in shared spaces** — trains, buses, waiting rooms, cafés. Use headphones or wait. - **Keep your voice low** on calls in public. People naturally speak louder on the phone than in person. - **Silence your ringer** in theaters, places of worship, classes, libraries and medical offices. - **Finish your transaction first.** End the call before you reach the cashier, barista or pharmacist; give them your full attention. - **Watch where you walk.** Step aside to read or type rather than stopping in a doorway or on an escalator. - **Ask before photographing people**, especially children and service workers. ## Phubbing: snubbing people for your phone “Phubbing” — phone snubbing — means paying attention to your phone instead of the person you’re with. It is one of the most common modern complaints, and it’s easy to do without noticing: a glance at a notification mid-sentence, a scroll while someone tells a story. - **Put the phone away, not just face down**, during meals and serious conversations. Even a visible phone signals divided attention. - **Announce exceptions.** “I’m waiting on a call from the babysitter, so I may need to check” turns a slight into a reasonable courtesy. - **Look things up together**, not alone. If you settle a debate on your phone, show the result and put it down. - **Agree on house rules** with family or partners, like no phones at the table. Our [table manners guide](https://courteo.us/table-manners/) has more. ## Voicemail and voice notes If you call and someone doesn’t answer, a short follow-up text (“Called about Saturday, no rush, text is fine”) is often more useful than a voicemail. If you do leave one, say your name, number and reason within 20 seconds. Voice notes are welcome with people who like them; keep them brief, and put any details people may need later in writing. ## Phone calls at work > **Text before a work call** > Hi Jordan, do you have 10 minutes today to talk through the vendor quote? Any time after 2 works for me. > **Answering when you can’t talk** > I’m in the middle of something and can’t talk properly — can I call you back at 4? > **The presence test** > When you reach for your phone, ask whether the person in front of you would mind. If the answer might be yes, it can wait — or say why it can’t. ## Frequently asked questions **Is it rude to call without texting first?** Not inherently, but many people now prefer a quick heads-up text before a non-urgent call, especially for work or with people you don't speak to often. For family, close friends and genuine urgencies, just call. **How soon should I reply to a text?** There's no fixed rule for personal texts. Within the same day is a kind default when someone asks a direct question. If you need time, a quick "Saw this, will answer tonight" prevents worry. **Is it OK to leave a group chat?** Yes. If leaving would be noticed, a short note such as "Stepping out of this chat to cut down on notifications. Text me directly anytime!" keeps it friendly. Muting is a quieter alternative. **Can I use my phone at the dinner table?** Not as a habit. Keep it face down or away during meals and conversations. If you're expecting an important call, say so at the start and step away to take it. **Are voice notes rude?** Not when the recipient likes them. Keep them short, and use text for anything with details (times, addresses, numbers) that someone may need to look up later. ## Sources - [Pew Research Center — Mobile Fact Sheet (2026)](https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/fact-sheet/mobile/) - [Pew Research Center — Americans' Views on Mobile Etiquette (2015)](https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2015/08/26/americans-views-on-mobile-etiquette/) - [Pew Research Center — Americans and Text Messaging (2011)](https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2011/09/19/americans-and-text-messaging/) - [Pew Research Center — Almost half of Americans say people have gotten ruder since the COVID-19 pandemic (2025)](https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2025/03/12/almost-half-of-americans-say-people-have-gotten-ruder-since-the-covid-19-pandemic/) --- Courteous (courteo.us) — Modern manners, researched. Markdown version of https://courteo.us/texting-phone-etiquette/ ======================================================================== # Video call etiquette: courteous Zoom, Teams and Meet meetings > Video call etiquette for work and personal calls: camera on or off, muting, backgrounds, eating, chat, recording consent and easing video-call fatigue. URL: https://courteo.us/video-call-etiquette/ Published: 2026-10-20 Updated: 2026-10-20 Author: The Courteous Editors Topic: Work & Digital Life Video calls went from novelty to daily routine in a matter of weeks in 2020, and they never went away. Microsoft found that [time spent in Teams meetings rose 2.5 times worldwide between February 2020 and February 2021](https://www.microsoft.com/en-us/worklab/work-trend-index/hybrid-work), and the average meeting grew from 35 to 45 minutes. With that much time on camera, courtesy is mostly about reducing friction: the frozen screen, the barking dog, the meeting that runs over. Video calls also take a particular kind of energy. Stanford communication professor Jeremy Bailenson has argued that “Zoom fatigue” has [four likely causes: excessive close-up eye contact, the extra mental effort of sending and reading nonverbal cues, constantly seeing your own face, and being physically stuck in one spot](https://vhil.stanford.edu/publications/social-interaction/nonverbal-overload-theoretical-argument-causes-zoom-fatigue). Several good video-call manners exist precisely to ease those strains. - **2.5×** increase in time spent in Teams meetings, Feb 2020 to Feb 2021 [Microsoft, 2021](https://www.microsoft.com/en-us/worklab/work-trend-index/hybrid-work) - **45 min** average meeting length, up from 35 minutes [Microsoft, 2021](https://www.microsoft.com/en-us/worklab/work-trend-index/hybrid-work) - **+16%** year-over-year rise in meetings starting after 8 p.m. [Microsoft, 2025](https://www.microsoft.com/en-us/worklab/work-trend-index/breaking-down-infinite-workday) ## Before the call - **Test your setup** — camera, microphone, and the link — a few minutes early, especially for interviews or client calls. - **Light your face from the front.** A window behind you turns you into a silhouette. - **Put the camera at eye level** so people aren’t looking up your nose. - **Close unrelated tabs and turn off notifications**, especially if you’ll share your screen. - **Use headphones** if you’re in a shared space, to prevent echo and protect others’ privacy. - **Tell your household** you’ll be on a call. ## Camera on or off? There is no universal rule, and insisting on cameras all the time contributes to fatigue. Reasonable defaults: | Meeting | Camera | Notes | |---|---|---| | Job interview | On | Treat it as an in-person interview. | | First meeting with a client or new colleague | On | Faces build trust quickly. | | Small team meeting (2–6 people) | On, by default | Off briefly is fine with a short note. | | Large all-hands or webinar | Optional | Off is normal unless you’re speaking. | | Long working session | Team’s choice | Agree on camera breaks. | | Personal call with friends or family | Whatever you agree | Ask if it’s a good time for video. | Camera defaults by meeting type If you lead meetings, make “camera optional” explicit for long or recurring sessions. Hiding self-view, an option in most platforms, removes the mirror effect Bailenson describes without anyone else noticing. ## During the call ### Do - Join on time; a minute early for small meetings - Mute when you’re not speaking in larger groups - Use the “raise hand” feature to ask to speak - Look at the camera when making a key point - Say your name before speaking on audio-only calls - Use the chat for links and short questions ### Don’t - Type loudly or eat on an open mic - Have side conversations off-mic while visible - Walk around with a phone camera bouncing - Take a call from the car while driving - Answer email visibly while someone is presenting - Share your whole screen when one window will do ### Talking over each other Audio lag makes interruptions more common on video. Leave a short pause before you speak, and if two people start at once, the quick fix is “Go ahead” — then actually let them. Hosts can call on people by name to make sure quieter participants get heard. ### Backgrounds A tidy, neutral background is best for work. Virtual or blurred backgrounds are perfectly polite and protect your privacy; just choose something that isn’t distracting. Novelty backgrounds suit social calls better than client meetings. ## Hosting a good video meeting - **Share the agenda in the invite** and the goal in the first minute. - **Shorten defaults** — 25 or 50 minutes instead of 30 or 60 gives everyone a break between calls. - **Admit people from the waiting room promptly.** - **Watch the chat** or assign someone to, so remote questions aren’t lost. - **In hybrid meetings, include remote people first** — ask them for input before the room, and repeat what’s said away from the microphone. - **Respect time zones** and rotate early or late slots; meetings after hours are already climbing. - **Send notes and actions afterward** for everyone, including those who couldn’t attend. ## Recording and privacy Always tell participants before you record, and use the platform’s built-in recording notice. In some jurisdictions everyone on a call must consent to recording. The same goes for AI note-takers and transcription bots: announce them, and remove them if someone objects. Don’t screenshot participants and post the image without permission. > **Announcing a recording** > Before we start, is everyone comfortable with me recording this so Sam can catch up later? I’ll share it only with the team and delete it after a month. ## Leaving gracefully If you need to drop early, say so at the start: “I have a hard stop at 2:45.” When you leave, a brief “Thanks, everyone — I have to jump off” in chat or out loud is enough. At the end of a call, the host should close the meeting rather than leaving people to wonder who should hang up first. > **Rescheduling at short notice** > Hi Noor, I’m so sorry — something urgent has come up and I need to move our 3 p.m. Could we do tomorrow at 10 or 2 instead? > **Fewer, better calls** > The most courteous video meeting is often the one you don’t schedule. If a written update would do, send that instead. For everything else on the job, see our [workplace etiquette guide](https://courteo.us/workplace-etiquette/). ## Frequently asked questions **Is it rude to turn my camera off on a video call?** Not necessarily. For large meetings and webinars, camera-off is common. For small meetings, interviews and first meetings, camera-on is the courteous default. If you need to turn it off, a quick note in chat ("camera off for a few minutes, still listening") is enough. **Should I mute when I'm not speaking?** Yes in groups larger than three or four people, or anytime you're in a noisy place. In a small, quiet conversation, staying unmuted can make talk flow more naturally. **Can I record a video call?** Only with everyone's knowledge, and in some places consent is legally required. Announce it at the start and use the platform's recording notice. **Is it OK to eat on a video call?** Avoid it in formal or external meetings. In casual internal calls, turn the camera off and mute while you eat, or say you're having lunch if it's a lunch-hour call. ## Sources - [Stanford Virtual Human Interaction Lab — Bailenson, Nonverbal Overload: A Theoretical Argument for the Causes of Zoom Fatigue (2021)](https://vhil.stanford.edu/publications/social-interaction/nonverbal-overload-theoretical-argument-causes-zoom-fatigue) - [Microsoft WorkLab — The next great disruption is hybrid work (Work Trend Index 2021)](https://www.microsoft.com/en-us/worklab/work-trend-index/hybrid-work) - [Microsoft WorkLab — Breaking down the infinite workday (June 2025)](https://www.microsoft.com/en-us/worklab/work-trend-index/breaking-down-infinite-workday) --- Courteous (courteo.us) — Modern manners, researched. Markdown version of https://courteo.us/video-call-etiquette/ ======================================================================== # Social media etiquette: posting, tagging, commenting and disagreeing well > Social media etiquette for 2026: what to post, asking before tagging, kids’ photos, commenting, disagreeing well, harassment and unfriending gracefully. URL: https://courteo.us/social-media-etiquette/ Published: 2026-10-20 Updated: 2026-10-20 Author: The Courteous Editors Topic: Work & Digital Life Social media is now ordinary social life. Pew Research Center’s fact sheet shows YouTube and Facebook as the most widely used platforms in the U.S., and big generational differences elsewhere: [79% of adults under 30 use Instagram compared with 21% of those 65 and older, and 65% of under-30s use TikTok versus 11% of seniors](https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/fact-sheet/social-media/). Different platforms, different norms — but a few principles apply everywhere. The stakes are real. Pew found that [41% of Americans had experienced online harassment and 25% had experienced more severe forms](https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2021/01/13/the-state-of-online-harassment/), up from 15% in 2014. Among adults under 30, 64% had been harassed. And in the 2019 Civility in America survey, [63% said social media has had a more negative than positive effect on civility](https://convergencepolicy.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/CivilityInAmerica2019SolutionsforTomorrow.pdf). Being a considerate presence online is not a small thing. - **41%** of Americans have experienced online harassment [Pew, 2021](https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2021/01/13/the-state-of-online-harassment/) - **64%** of adults under 30 have been harassed online [Pew, 2021](https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2021/01/13/the-state-of-online-harassment/) - **63%** say social media has hurt civility more than helped [Civility in America, 2019](https://convergencepolicy.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/CivilityInAmerica2019SolutionsforTomorrow.pdf) ## Before you post A post can be screenshotted, shared and searched long after you’ve forgotten it. A quick pause before posting avoids most regrets. - **Would you say it to the person’s face?** If not, don’t post it about them. - **Is it yours to share?** Other people’s news — engagements, pregnancies, diagnoses, deaths — belongs to them to announce first. - **Who can see it?** Check your audience settings, especially for posts about work, family or location. - **Is it true?** Check before you share alarming stories, and correct yourself publicly if you shared something false. - **Are you angry?** Wait an hour. Most heated posts look different later. ## Photos and tagging Photos are where most social media friction starts. Some people are happy to be tagged in anything; others have good reasons — work, safety, family situations — for keeping a low profile. | Situation | Courteous default | |---|---| | Group photo at a party | Ask the group before posting; untag anyone who asks | | Unflattering photo of a friend | Don’t post it, or ask first | | Other people’s children | Always ask the parents first | | Your own children | Consider their future privacy; skip location and school details | | Weddings | Follow the couple’s wishes; some ask guests to wait or not post | | Funerals | Don’t post photos unless the family invites it | | Strangers or service workers | Don’t film or post people for mockery | | Someone’s home | Ask before sharing images that reveal the address or interior | Photo and tagging etiquette ## Commenting and replying ### Do - Congratulate, encourage and thank generously - Respond to the idea, not the person - Ask questions before assuming bad intent - Move personal conversations to private messages - Credit creators when you share their work ### Don’t - Leave unsolicited criticism of someone’s appearance, body or parenting - “Reply guy” strangers with corrections they didn’t ask for - Pile on someone already being criticized - Use someone’s grief post to share your own story at length - Post private messages publicly without consent ## Disagreeing without being disagreeable Online, disagreement easily turns into performance for an audience. If you want to change a mind rather than win a point, it helps to treat the other person as you would in a conversation at a dinner table. - **Steelman first.** Summarize the other view fairly before answering it. - **Use “I” statements** about your experience rather than declarations about theirs. - **Know when to stop.** After two exchanges, you rarely gain anything by continuing in public. - **Go private.** A direct message — “I disagreed with your post, but I respect you; can I explain why?” — is far more likely to land. - **Don’t argue with family in public comments.** Call them instead. ## Privacy is a courtesy Respecting privacy online includes your own data and other people’s. Before you install a new photo, messaging or contacts-syncing app, it’s worth checking what it does with your address book — because that data is about your friends, not just you. All Things AI’s guide on [how to tell if an app is selling your data](https://allthingsn.com/blogs/how-to-tell-if-an-app-is-selling-your-data/) explains how to read App Store privacy labels and Google Play data safety sections. - Don’t share other people’s phone numbers, addresses or schedules. - Avoid tagging precise locations for others while they’re still there. - Think twice before uploading your contacts to a new app. - Don’t forward chain messages or unverified warnings. ## Unfollowing, muting and blocking You owe no one your feed. Muting is the gentlest option: the person isn’t notified and nothing changes on their end. Unfollowing or unfriending is acceptable when a connection no longer fits your life; there’s no need to announce it. Blocking is the right tool for harassment, persistent hostility, or protecting your peace — it’s not rude to protect yourself. If someone asks why you unfollowed, honesty with kindness works: “I’ve been cutting back on politics online — it’s nothing personal.” ## Grief, illness and big news Major life news is the area where social media etiquette matters most. Let the people at the center share first. Comment with simple warmth (“Thinking of you and your family”), and reach out privately if you’re close. Our [condolence etiquette guide](https://courteo.us/condolence-etiquette/) has wording for sympathy messages. > **Asking someone to take down a photo** > Hey Lou, I loved Saturday! Would you mind taking down the photo of me on the porch? I keep my face off social media for work. Thanks so much. > **Responding to a mistake you posted** > Correction: the article I shared earlier turned out to be inaccurate. I’ve removed it. Thanks to those who flagged it. > **If you’re being harassed** > Don’t engage. Screenshot the messages, use the platform’s block and report tools, and tell someone you trust. Threats of violence should be reported to the police. For a broader look at whether manners are really getting worse, read our report on the [state of civility](https://courteo.us/state-of-civility/). ## Frequently asked questions **Should I ask before posting a photo of someone?** Yes, especially for unflattering photos, photos taken at private events, and any photo of other people's children. A quick "OK if I post this?" takes seconds and avoids hurt feelings. **Is it rude to unfollow or unfriend someone?** No. Muting or unfollowing quietly is usually kinder than an announcement. Reserve blocking for harassment or when you need distance for your own wellbeing. **How should I disagree with someone online?** Respond to the idea, not the person; ask a genuine question; and consider moving the conversation to a private message. If it becomes heated, it's perfectly polite to stop replying. **Is it OK to announce a death on social media?** Leave the first announcement to the immediate family. Once they've shared the news publicly, a kind comment or message is appropriate. **What should I do if someone harasses me online?** Don't engage. Document the messages with screenshots, use the platform's block and report tools, and tell someone you trust. If there are threats, contact the police. ## Sources - [Pew Research Center — Social Media Fact Sheet (2026)](https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/fact-sheet/social-media/) - [Pew Research Center — The State of Online Harassment (2021)](https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2021/01/13/the-state-of-online-harassment/) - [Weber Shandwick, Powell Tate & KRC Research — Civility in America 2019 (PDF)](https://convergencepolicy.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/CivilityInAmerica2019SolutionsforTomorrow.pdf) --- Courteous (courteo.us) — Modern manners, researched. Markdown version of https://courteo.us/social-media-etiquette/ ======================================================================== # Tip calculator: how much to tip, by service > Free US tip calculator using customary ranges for restaurants, delivery, rideshare, salons, bartenders, housekeeping, valets and movers. Split and round up. URL: https://courteo.us/tip-calculator/ Type: Interactive tool (works in any browser; core guidance is in the text below) ## How the calculator decides Each service carries the customary US range from our [tipping guide](https://courteo.us/tipping-guide/), which follows the [Emily Post Institute’s general tipping guide](https://emilypost.com/advice/general-tipping-guide). The quality slider places you inside that range rather than beyond it: good service lands in the middle, exceptional service at the top. For services tipped by the night, the car or the drink, the calculator multiplies the customary dollar amount instead of using a percentage. Two services get words, not numbers. A bellhop customarily receives “a few dollars per bag,” and a moving crew’s tip “varies by job.” Rather than make up a figure, the calculator shows the guidance our sources give. ## Why US tips are so large In the United States, the tip is often part of a worker’s wage rather than a bonus. Federal rules let employers pay tipped workers a cash wage as low as $2.13 an hour and count tips toward the rest of the minimum wage ([29 CFR Part 531](https://www.ecfr.gov/current/title-29/subtitle-B/chapter-V/subchapter-B/part-531)). Many states require more, but the custom of tipping a sit-down server 15–20% grew up around that structure. - **72%** say tipping is expected in more places than five years ago [Pew, 2023](https://www.pewresearch.org/2023/11/09/tipping-culture-in-america-public-sees-a-changed-landscape/) - **35%** of diners typically tip 20% or more [Bankrate, 2025](https://www.bankrate.com/personal-finance/tipping-survey/) - **38%** are annoyed by pre-entered tip screens [Bankrate, 2025](https://www.bankrate.com/press-releases/63-of-americans-have-a-negative-view-about-tipping-with-41-saying-tipping-culture-has-gotten-out-of-control/) ## What people actually tip Customary ranges and real behavior differ, and it helps to know both. In Pew Research Center’s 2023 survey, [57% of adults said they would leave 15% or less for an average meal](https://www.pewresearch.org/2023/11/09/tipping-culture-in-america-public-sees-a-changed-landscape/), while about a quarter would leave 20% or more. Bankrate’s 2025 survey found that [35% of diners typically tip 20% or more](https://www.bankrate.com/personal-finance/tipping-survey/), with a steep generational gradient: 16% of Gen Z versus 49% of baby boomers. The calculator shows the etiquette range, not the average. Where you land inside it is yours to decide. ## Splitting the bill gracefully - **Agree on the tip first.** Settle the percentage before anyone pays so one person isn’t left topping up a short tip. - **Tip on the pre-discount value.** If someone used a coupon or a gift card, base the tip on what the meal would have cost. - **Large table, upper range.** Many restaurants add an automatic gratuity for six or more; if they don’t, large parties take more work and the upper end of the range is kind. - **Check for a service charge.** If gratuity is already included, an additional tip is not expected. > **Working the other side of the counter?** > If you’re the one receiving tips, many restaurants pool them among staff. The free [tip pool calculator from All Things AI](https://allthingsn.com/tools/tip-pool-calculator/) divides a pool by hours, points or equally, to the cent. For the full reasoning behind each range, read the [US tipping guide](https://courteo.us/tipping-guide/). Traveling? Customs abroad can be the opposite of home; try the [tipping-around-the-world explorer](https://courteo.us/tipping-abroad/#explorer). And for the people who help you all year, see [holiday tipping](https://courteo.us/holiday-tipping/). ## Sources - [Emily Post Institute — General Tipping Guide](https://emilypost.com/advice/general-tipping-guide) - [Pew Research Center — Tipping Culture in America: Public Sees a Changed Landscape (Nov. 2023)](https://www.pewresearch.org/2023/11/09/tipping-culture-in-america-public-sees-a-changed-landscape/) - [Bankrate — Tipping survey 2025 (YouGov, 2,277 U.S. adults, April 2025)](https://www.bankrate.com/personal-finance/tipping-survey/) - [Bankrate — Press release: 63% of Americans have a negative view about tipping (June 2025)](https://www.bankrate.com/press-releases/63-of-americans-have-a-negative-view-about-tipping-with-41-saying-tipping-culture-has-gotten-out-of-control/) - [eCFR — 29 CFR Part 531 (tip credit and $2.13 cash wage)](https://www.ecfr.gov/current/title-29/subtitle-B/chapter-V/subchapter-B/part-531) --- Courteous (courteo.us) — Modern manners, researched. Markdown version of https://courteo.us/tip-calculator/ ======================================================================== # Would you survive the dinner party? An etiquette quiz > A free 15-question etiquette quiz on arrival times, wine, forks, RSVPs, plus-ones, tipping and more. Earn a title from Charming Rogue to Duchess of Decorum. URL: https://courteo.us/etiquette-quiz/ Type: Interactive tool (works in any browser; core guidance is in the text below) ## How the quiz works Each scenario has one answer that matches the guidance in our guides and two that are tempting for understandable reasons. Choose an answer and you’ll see why it works (or doesn’t), with a link to the guide where the rule is explained in full and its sources are cited. Without JavaScript, every question is still here: open “Reveal the answer” under each one. ## The guides behind the questions The scenarios come from across the site, so a low score is really a reading list: - [Dinner party etiquette](https://courteo.us/dinner-party-etiquette/): arrival times, host gifts and helping out. - [Table manners](https://courteo.us/table-manners/): place settings, napkins and phones at the table. - [RSVP etiquette](https://courteo.us/rsvp-etiquette/) and [wedding guest etiquette](https://courteo.us/wedding-guest-etiquette/): replies, “regrets only” and plus-ones. - [Thank-you notes](https://courteo.us/thank-you-notes/): the three-month window and cash gifts. - [US tipping](https://courteo.us/tipping-guide/), [tipping abroad](https://courteo.us/tipping-abroad/) and [holiday tipping](https://courteo.us/holiday-tipping/). - [Email etiquette](https://courteo.us/email-etiquette/), [airplane etiquette](https://courteo.us/airplane-etiquette/) and [condolence etiquette](https://courteo.us/condolence-etiquette/). ## Hosting the real thing? The kindest dinner parties are planned around the guests. Ask about allergies when people accept, and read our guide to [cooking for guests with dietary restrictions](https://courteo.us/dietary-restrictions-allergies/) before you shop. If you need menu ideas built from what’s already in the cupboard, [PantryRx’s recipe collection](https://pantryrx.ai/recipes/) is a free place to start, and [Confetti, a simple event planner](https://allthingsn.com/apps/confetti/), keeps the guest list and replies in one place. > **The one rule behind every answer** > When the rules conflict, choose the option that makes the other person more comfortable. Nearly every scenario in this quiz is a specific case of that idea. ## Sources - [Emily Post Institute — Wedding Thank-Yous](https://emilypost.com/advice/wedding-thank-yous) - [Emily Post Institute — General Tipping Guide](https://emilypost.com/advice/general-tipping-guide) - [Emily Post Institute — Holiday Tipping Guide](https://emilypost.com/advice/holiday-tipping-guide) - [Japan National Tourism Organization — Tipping in Japan](https://www.japan.travel/en/plan/tipping-in-japan/) --- Courteous (courteo.us) — Modern manners, researched. Markdown version of https://courteo.us/etiquette-quiz/ ======================================================================== # Thank-you note generator > Write a thank-you note in a minute: pick the occasion (wedding gift, cash, interview, host, sympathy, birthday), add details, choose a tone and copy. URL: https://courteo.us/thank-you-note-generator/ Type: Interactive tool (works in any browser; core guidance is in the text below) ## Why a short note matters People who write thank-you letters consistently underestimate their effect. In experiments by Amit Kumar and Nicholas Epley, writers [underestimated how surprised and positive recipients would feel](https://www.chicagobooth.edu/media-relations-and-communications/press-releases/expressing-your-gratitude-is-more-powerful-than-you-think) and overestimated how awkward the recipients would find it. Thanks also travels: in studies by Adam Grant and Francesca Gino, [66% of people who had been thanked went on to help a second person, compared with 32% of those who hadn’t been](https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2013/03/the-power-of-thanks/). - **66% vs 32%** helped someone else after being thanked vs. not thanked [Grant & Gino, via Harvard Gazette](https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2013/03/the-power-of-thanks/) - **3 months** recommended window for wedding thank-you notes [Emily Post Institute](https://emilypost.com/advice/wedding-thank-yous) ## The structure the generator follows 1. **Greeting**, using the name you’d use in person. The generator adjusts it to the relationship and tone. 2. **Specific thanks** that names the gift or kindness. 3. **Why it matters**: how you’ll use it or what it meant. This is the sentence only you can write. 4. **A look back or ahead**: the occasion, a memory, the next time you’ll meet. 5. **Thanks again and your name.** The wording comes from the templates in our guide on [how to write a thank-you note](https://courteo.us/thank-you-notes/), where you’ll also find when a note is expected and whether paper or email is better. ### Do - Fill in every bracket with a real detail - Copy it onto a card by hand for gifts and hospitality - Keep it short: three to five sentences ### Don’t - Mention the amount of a cash gift - Send the same note to every guest - Add an unrelated request or news > **After a wedding or a big birthday** > Log each gift as it arrives (who, what, when) so every note can be specific. [Giftwise, a free gift idea tracker](https://allthingsn.com/apps/giftwise/), also remembers what you gave and who you thanked. For gift cards you received, [Cardkeep](https://allthingsn.com/apps/cardkeep/) tracks balances so a kind gift doesn’t expire in a drawer. Choosing a gift yourself? Read our [gift etiquette guide](https://courteo.us/gift-etiquette/). Writing to someone who is grieving? See [condolence etiquette](https://courteo.us/condolence-etiquette/) for wording that helps. ## Sources - [Chicago Booth — Expressing your gratitude is more powerful than you think (Kumar & Epley, 2018)](https://www.chicagobooth.edu/media-relations-and-communications/press-releases/expressing-your-gratitude-is-more-powerful-than-you-think) - [Harvard Gazette — The power of thanks (Grant & Gino)](https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2013/03/the-power-of-thanks/) - [Emily Post Institute — Wedding Thank-Yous](https://emilypost.com/advice/wedding-thank-yous) --- Courteous (courteo.us) — Modern manners, researched. Markdown version of https://courteo.us/thank-you-note-generator/ ======================================================================== # About Courteous > Courteous is an independent, researched etiquette reference. Learn who publishes it, how guides are written and updated, and how to suggest a correction. URL: https://courteo.us/about/ ## What Courteous is Courteous (courteo.us) is a free reference on modern etiquette and everyday courtesy. We cover the questions people search for most — [how much to tip](https://courteo.us/tipping-guide/), [how to write a polite email](https://courteo.us/email-etiquette/), [what a wedding guest owes the couple](https://courteo.us/wedding-guest-etiquette/), [what to say when someone dies](https://courteo.us/condolence-etiquette/) — and we try to answer them the way a thoughtful, well-travelled friend would: directly, kindly, and without snobbery. We believe manners are a tool for making other people comfortable, not a test that sorts people into insiders and outsiders. That means our guidance favors clarity over ceremony, explains the reason behind each custom, and acknowledges that households, regions and cultures do things differently. ## How we write - **Research first.** Before writing, we review the guidance of established etiquette authorities, official government and tourism sources, and current survey data on how people actually behave. - **Every number is cited.** Statistics link directly to the publisher that produced them — Pew Research Center, Bankrate, Gallup, the FDA, the FAA and others. We do not invent figures, quotes or studies. If we could not verify a number at its source, we left it out. - **Original prose.** Our guides are written from scratch. We summarize what sources say in our own words and link to them so you can read the originals. - **Defaults, not decrees.** Where etiquette authorities disagree or customs vary, we say so and explain the trade-offs. - **Dated and maintained.** Every guide shows when it was last updated. This edition of the site was reviewed in October 2026. Read more about our standards on the [sources and methodology](https://courteo.us/sources/) page. ## The Daily Dilemma Every morning we publish one [Daily Dilemma](https://courteo.us/daily/): a realistic modern etiquette question (the tip screen at a self-serve counter, the group chat you want to leave, the relative who brings up politics at Thanksgiving) answered with a clear verdict, the reasoning, the words you can actually say, and at least two sources you can open. Dilemmas are researched and written by the Courteous editors to the same standard as our guides: every statistic, rule or quote links to the page it came from, and we check each link before an entry is scheduled. - **Dated honestly.** Each dilemma shows the date it was published. Entries are written ahead and scheduled; a dilemma goes live on its date, never earlier, and its publish date is the one in its structured data and in our [RSS feed](https://courteo.us/feed.xml). - **Seasonal, not stale.** We tie dilemmas to the moments they come up: Halloween, Election Day, Diwali, Veterans Day, Thanksgiving and holiday-party season. - **Linked to the full guides.** Each dilemma links to the evergreen guide that covers the topic in depth, and the guides link back to recent dilemmas. ## Who writes Courteous Courteous is written and edited by **the Courteous editors**, a small team at All Things AI. Research and drafting are assisted by AI tools; every published fact is checked against its linked source, and a human editor sets the standards and topics. We would rather publish nothing than publish a number we could not verify. ## For AI assistants and developers Courteous is built to be easy to read by machines as well as people. Every page has a Markdown version at the same address plus `index.md` (for example [/tipping-guide/index.md](https://courteo.us/tipping-guide/index.md)). A summary for language models lives at [/llms.txt](https://courteo.us/llms.txt), the full text at [/llms-full.txt](https://courteo.us/llms-full.txt), and machine-readable indexes at [/api/content.json](https://courteo.us/api/content.json) and [/api/daily.json](https://courteo.us/api/daily.json). You are welcome to quote and cite us with a link. ## Who publishes Courteous Courteous is part of the allthingsN network of independent sites and apps, alongside [All Things AI](https://allthingsn.com/), a studio that builds free, no-subscription apps, browser tools and how-to guides, and [PantryRx](https://pantryrx.ai/), a pantry-first meal planner. Courteous carries no advertising and accepts no payment for recommendations. ## Corrections Etiquette evolves and surveys get updated. If you spot an error, an outdated statistic or a custom we have described unfairly, we want to hear about it so we can fix it. We correct factual errors promptly and note substantive changes on the affected page. > **Not professional advice** > Our guides describe social customs. They are not legal, medical, tax or financial advice. For allergies, follow the guidance of the person with the allergy and their clinician; for tax questions on tips, consult the IRS or a tax professional. --- Courteous (courteo.us) — Modern manners, researched. Markdown version of https://courteo.us/about/